Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL so close

205 replies

ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 13:08

NC as possibly outing and don't want linked to other posts. My PIL currently live about 15-20 minutes away from us. They have recently accepted an offer on the home they've lived in for many years as are looking to downsize. The other day I asked DH about whether they had found anywhere to buy yet and he looked a bit sheepish and said he'd been 'meaning to mention' they've had an offer accepted on a house that is basically opposite us.

I feel like this is too close! I know IWBU to think I could have a say over where they live, but AIBU to feel annoyed? Or am I being mean?

OP posts:
SarahProblem · 01/02/2022 13:37

You have a DH problem.

He clearly knew so a discussion has taken place.

If you feel strongly you don't want to live that near to them, move house.

vivainsomnia · 01/02/2022 13:38

Would you feel the same if it was your parents?

QueeniesCroft · 01/02/2022 13:38

@OnceuponaRainbow18

My parents live down our road, it’s really not a problem, in fact we probably annoy them more than they annoy us.!!!
Mine started passive-aggressively threatening to move to Shetland. I encouraged it, and they were kind of backed into a corner. I haven't had to see them in 4 years. It's lovely. My husband is visibly happier now he doesn't have to deal with them/run around after them.

I lived happily with my in-laws, but if my own parents threatened to move in next to me, I'd be investing in a couple of bulls, a flock of angry geese and an electrified fence!

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 01/02/2022 13:39

Op this is where you put your foot down before they've even moved in.

I've been plagued for years by mine who live a 10 min car ride away but are retired and bored with no friends.

I can tell you it's been hell but finally a few months ago things changed after dh and his very controlling father fell out and as times gone on he's realised how suffocating it actually was Hmm

I've pointed out a few times that even if they do become friends again I'm not having daily visits or getting home from work to them in MY garden drinking my coffee and chilling like they own it.

Never ever again.
Please put your foot down

nokidshere · 01/02/2022 13:39

Surely it depends on your relationship with them. My MIL lived next door to us for the last 13yrs of her life. We never had any issues at all but that's because we had a good relationship.

There's no reason to think it would be different just because they are across the road unless you don't get on in the first place.

nokidshere · 01/02/2022 13:41

And why on earth should they discuss it with you? They can live wherever they like.

SamphiretheStickerist · 01/02/2022 13:41

Ah! So your DH is aware that this could be an issue for you, for him, for you both!

So we don't really need to know any mpre about PIL. They have made this decision without you and so now you must make yours. And make it really clear to your DH, they are NOT your parents. YOU won't be putting yourelf out for them., not now or at amy time in the future. He and they can work towards whatever it is they might have had earmarked as your contribution.

I don't undertsand why your DH has 'forgotten' to tell you about this. It automatically sets you apart, o na more combative road than you might have been. Because now you have to question what his motives were for not telling you! Just as he had to consider them before choosing not to tell you.

SamphiretheStickerist · 01/02/2022 13:44

@nokidshere

And why on earth should they discuss it with you? They can live wherever they like.
Yeah! But why make it a surprise for OP?

How she found out makes it almost a certainty that there is something that has gone before and that her DH, at least, chose not to tell her for a reason. No matter what that reason is, no matter who was in any way unreasonable, OP and her DH now have to find a way to work through that - and his actions have set them off on the wrong foot.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/02/2022 13:46

@Allpenguinsarepingus

That’s not fair that nobody discussed this with you. How long has your H known?
This!!!

I'd be straight on to the estate agents, decluttering the house and getting it ready to go on the market!

He must have known for a while.

Biker47 · 01/02/2022 13:46

Fuck. No.

I wouldn't even want my own relatives living on my estate, never mind opposite or next door, and never mind in laws. I don't dislike them, but; just no.

Biker47 · 01/02/2022 13:47

I'd second putting your house up for sale.

Also, they're cowards for doing it and not mentioning it, and your husband is a coward for hiding it.

MrsToothyBitch · 01/02/2022 13:53

YANBU at all. If they go through with it, strong boundaries from the get go. My mum was rigid about not dropping her activities and friends to pander to my maternal grandma when she moved really near us because she deserved a life and some privacy. She made time for grandma but they'd never been that close so she wasn't going to let grandma take her over.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 01/02/2022 13:56

Everyone saying it'll be fine - really, despite the fact it's been done without OP's knowledge? The three of them are so sure it'll be fine that they've... kept it from her?

OP, tell your DH that if they move in over the road you're moving out.

TrufflesAndToast · 01/02/2022 13:57

‘Gosh DH I’m surprised you’re not a bit concerned about this plan. With them being so close surely there will be a lot of expectation on you to do so much for them, especially as they age. Have you thought about how you’ll cope with any personal care expectations etc as well as all the inevitable shopping etc which could easily come to dominate your weekends? I’d hate to see you under all that pressure what with everything else you have going on in your life.’

Make it clear to him that this is NOTHING to do with you and set boundaries clear as anything right now that any future help etc will be on him to provide. Detach yourself entirely and assert razor sharp boundaries to be enforced religiously.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 01/02/2022 13:57

It would also take me a while to regain my trust for my husband in this situation. He has knowingly lied to you by omission, which is why he looked sheepish. He didn't just forget to tell you, or think you wouldn't care. He knew.

mugoftea456 · 01/02/2022 13:58

I really feel for you!

Although, there is absolutely nothing you can do.

All I can suggest to make your boundaries VERY clear now!

T00Ts · 01/02/2022 13:59

The fact that he hid it from you is very telling. I’d go absolutely mad and mine aren’t even that bad. They just have a few issues with boundaries.

KatyRebecca84 · 01/02/2022 14:00

Yeah I’d not be thrilled! Mine moved from up north and are now 20 mins away and I was FUMING! This would really annoy me!

theremustonlybeone · 01/02/2022 14:00

Seems your DH has known about their plans and they likely assume you do too and are happy with it.

He is a shit bag and any decent DH would have told you

godmum56 · 01/02/2022 14:04

@HunterHearstHelmsley

Please don't arrange a meeting with them.

They don't need yours or your DHs permission about where they move to. If you don't want to be so close then you can move.

This reminds me of someone who doesn't want my niece at the same school as her daughter. The person with the issue is the one who needs to make changes.

yeah i did laugh at "arrange a meeting" To say what exactly?
Holly60 · 01/02/2022 14:07

What are they like in general? If you get on ok with them now it might well work out ok. If you already struggle with them its not going to get easier I wouldn’t have thought.

But like other posters say, there isn’t much you can do about it except make boundaries clear now

Aderyn21 · 01/02/2022 14:08

It doesn't matter if other posters wouldn't mind - the OP does!
And of course she should talk to them about it - yes they gave the right to do it, but this is a serious amount of money they are about to spend and they are clearly doing so with certain expectations (probably ones that the dh has allowed them to have). If OP isn't going to be happy with ILs dropping in all the time and being very involved, then it's much better to say so before too much money gets spent.

I have to say though, that your husband has behaved really badly in letting it get this far without saying - such a cowardly, shitty thing to do. This is a real problem - he's going to let you be the bad guy, if you are someone who needs personal space and they are the 'drop in whenever' type when you try to set boundaries.
I'd find the lying hard to forgive and make no mistake, these things don't slip your mind, he's made a deliberate choice not to tell you.

Poor pil probably think this is all good

Hbh17 · 01/02/2022 14:09

I'd say 15 - 20 minutes away is too close, never mind across the road! An hour should be the minimum time away from parents, in my opinion.

viques · 01/02/2022 14:10

@nokidshere

And why on earth should they discuss it with you? They can live wherever they like.
But why haven’t they discussed it? That’s the elephant in the room, they have found the house, presumably viewed it, discussed it, sorted out their finances, put in an offer.... all without mentioning it to the OP
tara66 · 01/02/2022 14:14

Maybe they won't bother you??