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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL so close

205 replies

ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 13:08

NC as possibly outing and don't want linked to other posts. My PIL currently live about 15-20 minutes away from us. They have recently accepted an offer on the home they've lived in for many years as are looking to downsize. The other day I asked DH about whether they had found anywhere to buy yet and he looked a bit sheepish and said he'd been 'meaning to mention' they've had an offer accepted on a house that is basically opposite us.

I feel like this is too close! I know IWBU to think I could have a say over where they live, but AIBU to feel annoyed? Or am I being mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 16:11

@drpet49

* Well there isn't anything you can do about it is there? You can't dictate where they live.*

^This

Agree. Exactly what I said in my OP and again in a subsequent post.

I am not asking to dictate where they live.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 01/02/2022 16:12

witholding information until too late

well, to be fair, it may be that they didn't feel the need of the OP's input. No point asking someone if they'll mind, if you are not going to let that influence your decision.

toomuchlaundry · 01/02/2022 16:17

If things aren't good with your DH, if the worse happens and you split up would you be the one staying in the house, as that would be fun with your exMIL opposite

HelloPanda12 · 01/02/2022 16:21

Fuck that, I’d have to sell my house.

Dibble135 · 01/02/2022 16:22

I would third it and indeed came on here to say it if no one else had already…Channel 4 7.45am ish

Holly60 · 01/02/2022 16:25

@ToocloseMIL

I don't think there are any expectations on me in terms of providing care etc. I'm pretty sure they don't like me very much anymore (I've given up trying to be the golden DIL in recent years). But there will be on DH.

Sadly FIL will almost certainly pass away relatively soon so MIL will be on her own which I think she will find very hard, understandably. She doesn't have a lot of friends. I feel like she relies on DH and his sibling for close relationships (and FIL obviously).

This isn’t really that unusual though. She is getting older and will be on her own. As other posters have said - it is likely your husband will have to do a bit more as time goes on anyway. In some ways it’s better she is so close he can just pop in and out rather than being gone for mornings/ afternoons etc.

Make sure he talks to his sibling about sharing the load and that it is the two of them who do it.

Agree he should have discussed it. Does he try to avoid any kind of conflict?

frazzledasarock · 01/02/2022 16:28

Wait and see would be my advice.

And decide on how you want to move forwards with your marriage.

ElftonWednesday · 01/02/2022 16:33

Depends on what they are like really. PIL live five minutes' walk from us and they aren't exactly always in our house and neither are we in theirs.

PasswordEarth · 01/02/2022 16:35

No no no no no!
I’d say that was the final nail in your relationship if he kept this from you! At least you get to move away when you sell your house. As designated female you will be expected to be carer

TatianaBis · 01/02/2022 16:38

Well if you end up splitting from DH, he can stay in the house and hang out with his mum. Wink

HollowTalk · 01/02/2022 16:42

"I'm glad you like the neighbourhood. We've gone off it a bit so we'll be moving soon."

Thirtytimesround · 01/02/2022 16:57

Yanbu. It’s very weird and kinda sneaky that things got so serious about the house before anyone told you. I’d have expected there to have been general conversations about ‘moving a lot closer’.

That said I’d love to have family opposite. But my family, not his 🤣

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/02/2022 17:02

No, you can't dictate where they live, but you can make it VERY clear you won't be lined up as carer - which with the "needy" and "soon to be living alone" comments about MIL makes me think that's exactly what she's hoping for

If you have problems with DH now it's nothing to what they could become, especially if he's lined this up behind your back ...

drpet49 · 01/02/2022 17:05

* Sadly FIL will almost certainly pass away relatively soon so MIL will be on her own which I think she will find very hard, understandably. She doesn't have a lot of friends. I feel like she relies on DH and his sibling for close relationships (and FIL obviously).*

^So what if she does?

billy1966 · 01/02/2022 17:10

The wanting to move closer is not the issue, that is their business.

It's your husband behaving to form of being sneaky and secretive that is the issue.

No wonder you have issues with him.

incognitoforthisone · 01/02/2022 17:10

The PILs are not BU to want to move nearer to their son, but equally you are definitely not BU either to be dreading the prospect of it.

I'd actually quite like my MIL, and indeed my own mum, to live just round the corner (they're both about 250 miles away) but neither of them are needy or difficult and wouldn't have expectations about how much we saw them etc. It would actually make life a lot easier for us in some ways! But I totally understand that if you don't have a close relationship with your in-laws and your MIL is difficult and demanding, you wouldn't want them living over the road. My dad's mother was a difficult woman and I think my mum would have run away to live in a cave if she'd bought the house opposite ours.

It is also a bit shit that your husband didn't mention it - sounds like he's a wimp about discussing tricky subjects.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/02/2022 17:12

it is likely your husband will have to do a bit more as time goes on anyway

IME of men who "fail to mention things", then look "a bit sheepish" when they come out, the expectation's more that someone else - and usually someone female - picks up the pieces

In fact I'd be doing a bit of digging to discover whether he really has volunteered OP for a carer's role

NorthSouthcatlady · 01/02/2022 17:12

Sounds like a nightmare to me! If it’s so not a biggy then why did he not tell you straightaway? I genuinely couldn’t stand this with my mother or in-laws Ironically my mum would be way worse
She doesn’t get the concept of boundaries and would push back on them. Not getting we were tired after work and actually needed / wanted to do other things. Rather than some household task she wanted doing Hmm My fiancé feels that strongly that he wouldn’t even view a house on his child house road and his parents had moved on from there about 10 years ago!

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 01/02/2022 17:13

Why did they not tell you earlier - because of your possible reaction?
If MIL has few friends and her DH is gravely ill I think there ought to be a clear conversation with your DP around the expectation of your DH to step up and support her/provide her with a social life. If she's living opposite then that does make things easier for him to accomplish but how much will ALL her DCs help support her? Not just you and your DH because you live so close.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2022 17:29

Well, I'd be furious at my DH to be handed a 'fait accompli'. But I guess in the long run what difference would it have made to know ahead of time, since where they choose to move is nothing to do with you.

All you can do at this point (especially since you and DH are at a 'rocky place) is for you to decide now, don't wait til shit starts happening. Decide what your 'limits' are for your PiL having keys, dropping in or walking in unannounced, overstaying, interfering, etc and what your response will be to your DH if they're not respected. And what you would expect your DH to do because he should be the one dealing with his parents. Hopefully it will be something you and DH can reach agreement on in counseling.

vesperlindor · 01/02/2022 17:30

I'd want to know WHY they are moving so close:

Always loved the area, have lots of friends close by, easier to get to the shops/doctors etc - maybe not such an issue

No real reason other than 'because it's closer to you' - I'd be on the phone to the estate agent pronto to get the house on the market.

Your DH is a right sneaky fucker isn't he.

Bettysnow · 01/02/2022 17:40

Some years ago my pil moved into the house across the street. I convinced myself it would be fine and wouldn't cause any probs.
Wrong! They landed over to our house every single day! Even when my husband and i had both been on night shift and they knew we would be asleep they would bang on the door until we answered. They would sit for hours! Mil especially! Visit in the middle of us eating our dinner and again land over if we had visitors! Absolutely awful! We moved house in the end thankfully.
Im hoping your pil aren't as intrusive as mine were

TurquoiseDragon · 01/02/2022 17:40

OP says MIL doesn't like her, but liking is irrelevant to expecting care from OP.

She's needy, likely to be alone soon and has few friends. She'll be expecting OP does stuff, that'll become obvious eventually.

momtoboys · 01/02/2022 17:41

@Santahasjoinedww

As a matter of urgency you need shutters and a guard ddog...
And a moat, large fence and security guards! :)
Blossomtoes · 01/02/2022 17:43

@MrsBaublesDylan

I can't believe they didn't discuss it with you first!

Sit them down (and make cowardly dh join in) and ask them what their expectations are as they age.

I would be worried about becoming a carer by default - after all, if you are going food shopping, why not get theirs?

And the bags are heavy so maybe you could carry it through to the kitchen.

And whilst your there, could you take a look at the Wi-Fi router which isn't connecting?

And could dh come over and help FiL cut the hedges.

And why not, you live just across the road, it's no bother is it?

That isn’t being a carer. It’s called being a decent human being.