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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL so close

205 replies

ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 13:08

NC as possibly outing and don't want linked to other posts. My PIL currently live about 15-20 minutes away from us. They have recently accepted an offer on the home they've lived in for many years as are looking to downsize. The other day I asked DH about whether they had found anywhere to buy yet and he looked a bit sheepish and said he'd been 'meaning to mention' they've had an offer accepted on a house that is basically opposite us.

I feel like this is too close! I know IWBU to think I could have a say over where they live, but AIBU to feel annoyed? Or am I being mean?

OP posts:
WhiteXmas21 · 01/02/2022 14:51

I totally get that they can live where they like but I think if they had any sensitivity they would have talked to both you & your DH before they got themselves excited about this house.

In my case, having MIL that close would put such a strain on my marriage that I doubt we would survive. Thats specific to my MIL & I, her neediness and boundary crossing, and my personal need for privacy.

I just think ‘ let no-one put asunder’. This is asunder territory for me.

MintyGreenDream · 01/02/2022 14:52

FUCK THAT.My worse nightmare op.

lololololollll · 01/02/2022 14:53

Fuck. That

BoredZelda · 01/02/2022 14:54

And so can OP. She can choose not to live opposite her PIL.

So she can move.

I’d love my in-laws or parents to move in to my street. I’ve been trying to convince my parents to do it for years!

thegreylady · 01/02/2022 14:54

Another viewpoint…
About 18 years ago we were looking to move near my dd and her dh (at her request) and we were looking at a house at the other end of the very long road she lived on. She said, “ might that be a bit intrusive?”
I was hurt as the move was her idea but we moved our search to another village about 8 miles away and bought the house we live in now.
When dd had her first child she ‘wished we lived nearer’.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer she ‘wished we lived nearer’.
Now that we are very elderly she ‘wishes we lived nearer’.
All these events have meant a lot of travelling for one or other of us. I did 3 days a week of child care and after school care for a total of 14 years. We often talk about the ‘intrusive’ house and she feels so bad about having said it. She has asked us to look for a bungalow near them now so she can help more but we can’t face moving. Life throws some curve balls and you can’t know what your in-laws circumstances will mean in future.

BoredZelda · 01/02/2022 14:55

And the fact he didn’t tell you speaks volumes.

It does. But not in the way I think you mean. There is clearly a back story about OPs relationship with her PIL.

Aderyn21 · 01/02/2022 14:55

@Dearblossom

I am glad to say my daughter would adore me living over the road, my heart goes out to the good lonely grandparents of the world reading posts like this.
Would she though?

Good grandparents respect boundaries and don't just move over the road without making sure it's okay with their child and child's spouse!

Santahasjoinedww · 01/02/2022 14:56

Ils lived 7 mins by car from us. They never bothered. We moved 45 mins away and they told everyone we had taken ds away from them. Ils are bonkers ime.
Make sure dh knows nothing will be changing as far as you are concerned

sadpapercourtesan · 01/02/2022 14:56

Oof, that's made my blood run cold Shock

You have to tell him you're not happy with that! Also with the fact that they have all blatantly kept it from you. I would NOT live opposite my husband's mother (she's fine, but not all the fucking time!) and would be making arrangements to move if they go ahead. With or without their spineless son.

Drinkingallthewine · 01/02/2022 14:56

How well do you get on with PIL? Or are they interfering/overbearing?

How long did DH know about this? that would be the thing that would piss me off. There's obviously a reason as to why you were kept out of the loop so if that's the case and say, they are moving closer to you so they can get family care, I'd make damn sure you kept well out of that loop!

Now, for me, we did move very near PIL, but that was after discussion with the wider family and it was our choice (they were absolutely lovely and I had no concerns about them being underfoot) and they loved the idea as well. In our case it worked out well from everyone's point of view but there's very few families who are lucky enough to have that I think.

BoredZelda · 01/02/2022 14:59

Would she though?

Why wouldn’t she?

Good grandparents respect boundaries and don't just move over the road without making sure it's okay with their child and child's spouse!

Good children realise they can’t control their parents. Living over the road doesn’t mean boundaries are crossed. I mean, how far is the limit? One street over? 2 streets away? 3 miles?

Metallicalover · 01/02/2022 15:00

What's your relationship like with them?
I live a few doors away from my sibling and we aren't in each other's pockets and have our own space.
We wouldn't be bothered living in the same street as my parents either as they like their own space too and would always message or ring before popping over.
In laws sometimes just drop in unannounced I always seem to be doing some housework with no bra on or going out somewhere! We said we couldn't live closer to them!

BoredZelda · 01/02/2022 15:00

How well do you get on with PIL? Or are they interfering/overbearing?

Another way of asking this question is “do you resent any input from them whatsoever”

bigbluebus · 01/02/2022 15:00

I've never lived near any family and often wish I did. That said, I'd have been happy to have MIL across the road as she'd mind her own business and get on with her day. Even now at 93 and limited eye sight she is very independent. My own DM, on the other hand would have been a different kettle of fish. She'd want to know who everyone was that came and went, where we'd been and why we came home so late. She'd have a chair set up overlooking our house.
As others have said it depends on your relationship with them and their intentions but you can't actually dictate where they live.

giveyou2reasons · 01/02/2022 15:00

I'd be annoyed that your husband has been hiding it, delaying the inevitable of telling you. Cowardly of him, and telling that he knows it's a problem.

That said, my parents moved close to where we live. They can walk here in just a few minutes, so not right across the road, but quite close. They did ask us beforehand how we felt about it, which was nice of them, but at the time it would never have occurred to me that it would be a problem. Naïve, maybe, but it hasn't turned out to be a problem. They never just pop over without asking first, and we have plenty of privacy from them. I know it's a bit different, since they're my parents and not PIL, but I honestly don't believe DH has ever had a problem with it, either.

So much depends on the individuals and their personalities, but just wanted to say that this doesn't have to be a recipe for disaster. They do need to respect boundaries, though, and it should be your DH who sets those in place, if they overstep.

diddl · 01/02/2022 15:01

So they've discussed it with their son who has decided not to mention it to Op-until he had to.

Obviously if he gives them carte blanche to pop in when they like then that could be a problem, or if he's constantly there.

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/02/2022 15:02

I think it is a bonus having ageing parents very near by.
It is incredible stressful if they are Ill and distant. If they are that near you can help them and pop in but it isn't a long mission. You can add a few items to your shopping or whatever. I have had far away, 20 minutes away and in our road and for us the best was them being very nearby.

Original poster
ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 15:04

Ok - I've caught up. Some key points:

Mine and H's relationship is not good, about to start couples counselling. In part because he is secretive (!!), but other reasons too. He definitely deliberately didn't mention it to me until I asked.

PIL are tricky, I'd say. MIL quite needy and self absorbed so not sure if they will be popping in a lot or not - could go either way. They are pretty close now and we don't see them that often, and only on their terms (we get told they'd like to see us/DC). FIL grumpy and in poor health. It's more the proximity that's the issue.

My kids are a bit older so no huge need for childcare or babysitting, and my kids aren't that close to them.

Rest of my immediate family (parents and my siblings) and Hs sibling live locally too - but none quite this close! So in terms of seeing the value of living near family - I absolutely do. I love it and have deliberately chosen to live near my family but not actually this near.

The housing market where we are (home counties north of London) is crazy and I know they've been looking for a little while. So I do sort of understand why they've snapped this one up. But still...

To be clear, as I said in my OP I know it would be unreasonable to expect to have a say in where they live.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 01/02/2022 15:04

Even if they all get a long fabulously I think it’s weird the pil would make an offer on a house opposite and not tell op and for op’s husband to deliberately not tell her. When was he going to mention it if she hadn’t asked.
He knew she wouldn’t be happy. Op would have felt silly if neighbour had said something to her first.
Directly opposite is a whole different league to living nearby for convenience.

diddl · 01/02/2022 15:05

@yikesanotherbooboo

I think it is a bonus having ageing parents very near by. It is incredible stressful if they are Ill and distant. If they are that near you can help them and pop in but it isn't a long mission. You can add a few items to your shopping or whatever. I have had far away, 20 minutes away and in our road and for us the best was them being very nearby.
That is another way of looking at it.

We were only an hour away, but visits to ILs or them to us always seemed an ordeal.

Shorter & more often sounds better.

Op, have they moved with the idea of being looked after when they are older?

If o, then I guess that is between them & their son.

RandomMess · 01/02/2022 15:06

Ah well you can send DH over to care and visit them then get the DC to retrieve him.

Where you can see each other is too close, just feels like an invasion of privacy. I live in a cul de sac of many retired people. Feels like a gold fish bowl sometimes!

ProudThrilledHappy · 01/02/2022 15:06

If FIL is in ill health are they hoping to get closer for care and support? If so be careful your DH hasn’t made promises on your behalf, since he was looking so sheepish

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2022 15:10

Well all I can say is that your first counselling session is going to be interesting.

I hope it's helpful

NameChangeCity123 · 01/02/2022 15:10

@Biker47

I'd second putting your house up for sale.

Also, they're cowards for doing it and not mentioning it, and your husband is a coward for hiding it.

My thoughts exactly
Dixiechickonhols · 01/02/2022 15:13

Well that’s a cracking example for your couples counselling - why do you say DH is secretive, well he hid fact his parents were moving opposite.
I think you need frank discussion re how he sees this working and establish expectations. What if one gets ill and needs care. What if mil is widowed. I imagine you are not on same page.
Eg he says well she’d have tea with us daily and you are thinking once a week. It’s also impact on your children and their privacy.

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