Page 7 | To not want PIL so close

Santahasjoinedww · 01/02/2022 19:29

I have a feeling your dh has spoken at length about mil's future once she is a widow. And your dh figures hugely in it..

PrincessesRUs · 01/02/2022 19:31

Totally defends on your family - I'd be delighted to have family (ie help!) so close!!

StoneofDestiny · 01/02/2022 19:34

Your husband kept this from you? 😱Huge issue.

I'd put my house on the market and move asap - with or without DH

Sh05 · 01/02/2022 19:37

This would be my worst nightmare!
It's just too close especially as it's right across the road so every time you go out you see the net twitching or similar.
I know you're saying he'll take up most of any caring duties but you need to be very clear in this regard.
He seems sneaky, I wouldn't be surprised if he's encouraged them to buy so close so that you will be close at hand when he forgets to do chores for his mum.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 17:38

@ToocloseMIL

NC as possibly outing and don't want linked to other posts. My PIL currently live about 15-20 minutes away from us. They have recently accepted an offer on the home they've lived in for many years as are looking to downsize. The other day I asked DH about whether they had found anywhere to buy yet and he looked a bit sheepish and said he'd been 'meaning to mention' they've had an offer accepted on a house that is basically opposite us.

I feel like this is too close! I know IWBU to think I could have a say over where they live, but AIBU to feel annoyed? Or am I being mean?

What is a PIL? Pest in law? Partner in law? Can we not just write words?

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 17:38

@ToocloseMIL

NC as possibly outing and don't want linked to other posts. My PIL currently live about 15-20 minutes away from us. They have recently accepted an offer on the home they've lived in for many years as are looking to downsize. The other day I asked DH about whether they had found anywhere to buy yet and he looked a bit sheepish and said he'd been 'meaning to mention' they've had an offer accepted on a house that is basically opposite us.

I feel like this is too close! I know IWBU to think I could have a say over where they live, but AIBU to feel annoyed? Or am I being mean?

oh parents in law. Just in laws?!

SueStan · 02/02/2022 17:47

It depends what your relationship is like. It could make life easier all round if assistance is needed in either direction, or it could make you feel like you’re living in a goldfish bowl. I hope it works out well, but I can understand why you would be anxious.

Weemovitchski · 02/02/2022 17:47

My MIL lived on a different continent. S Africa. She rented our flat in Kensington, London before we bought it. She still felt entitled to visit and considered it 'hers'. This caused so much aggro and resentment. She came over for a month offered to look after baby DD, so I could go to work. She was bored with this after a week. I had committed to a job, so had to take our child to my parents, 200 miles away. She was an absolute bitch, expected to be waited on and out of the blue, installed a part time cleaner!!

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 02/02/2022 17:59

We made the mistake of moving closer to PIL. DH promised me they would be kept at arms length! Yeah right!!!! I had 2 years of being under surveillance! They would stand outside their house every morning to check that me and DS were on the bus to school. If we weren't the phonecalls would start demanding to know why DS was not in school (because we got a taxi instead or had a lift!)). I was informed by FIL I was catching the wrong bus home from school but got very annoyed when I told him that the bus he was on about left 10 mins before school ended! The incessant pretend walks to get fresh air which somehow always stopped at our house! The never ceasing arrangements for them to come down to our house. All came to a head when I was pregnant and unwell. I snapped and packed my bags. When DH came home fir once instead of laughing it off actually listened to me. The next day he took me shopping. When we came home in the 4 hours we were out she had phoned 18 times! She rang again as I was sobbing so DH took her call and was interrogated as to why we had not answered the phone in 3 days??? She had noted the time of every call she made and cross examined him to our exact whereabouts! He took a breath and told her to back off and asked me why I hadn't told him it was so bad!!!!! She carried on so he gave the phone to me and said "I am not taking this crap!". I informed MIL she was guilty of harrassment and would call the Police foradvice first then the Estate Agent to put our house up for sale!!! We then had 2 weeks of bliss with no contact whatsoever. She showed up 2 days later for a visit and I would not let her in!!! I told her what she was doing was wrong and she had to give us privacy and stop questioning our every move. Things settled after that. Now she occasionally acts up but I nip it in the bud and she goes quiet!

Shona52 · 02/02/2022 18:03

Mine are in the next street to us but we are very close with them and it works for me. Which is a great help with my DH away for months at a time for work.

It really depends on how you find it yourself.

restingbitchface30 · 02/02/2022 18:07

This is my nightmare! I’d have to move

GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 02/02/2022 18:08

I’d love that (my PIL) it’s much harder to pop in if you are 15-20 mins away, you have to do a full “visit” but that close you can call in but not stay (unless you wanted to) it would be easier if they become frail or unwell and need help, can just drop something off/check ok.

nopuppiesallowed · 02/02/2022 18:25

My lovely dad lives a 15 minute drive away and it works well. He never asks for anything and at 93 tries to be independent. I realise that as he gets older, he will need more help but I love him, so no problem. My equally lovely father in law moved to be around the corner from us. He needed more help but again, we loved him, and although it wasn't always convenient, we did what was necessary until he died and was glad he was so near. Another member of the family has now moved into FIL's house. We've never been close and sadly, sometimes clashed, but when we lived a few hours from each other, it was nice to see each other occasionally. It may well be that we both think it will be better to only see each other occasionally....I wouldn't want to be in the situation where she was always knocking on the door, but wish I didn't feel like this!

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 02/02/2022 18:26

Mine lives next door. My kitchen window looks onto my MIL bathroom window. When we first moved in I looked out of my kitchen window and could see my MIL sitting on the toilet. Oh put up a blind straight away in MIL bathroom. We never had the heart to tell her and she just thought OH was being nice.

Mandyjack · 02/02/2022 18:30

Your DH should've kept you informed, sounds like he knew you'd be annoyed. Hopefully you have a fairly good relationship with them. You may need to set boundaries at the beginning. TBH I lived very close to my in laws for several years and they rarely came over. In fact we went to theirs more often.

greyeyedgirl · 02/02/2022 18:35

Genuinely think you should be flattered and appreciate they want to be close to you. You still have your own house so it’s not like they are living with you. Embrace it. Family is so important and many would love to have family so close. Now your husbands cowardly ability to engage you in the decision is a problem for me. He wimped out and I’d be mad as hell

BossyFlossie76 · 02/02/2022 18:52

My in laws recently moved to our village from 30 mins away. I think it’s great.

They are by no means perfect in terms of boundaries and we occasionally get a bit irritated, but it’s a small price to pay for having them round the corner. They’re our family, and adore our children (as I expect your in laws do yours)!

Should mention my parents also live in same village (and are lovely but not nearly as involved).

I think it’s good for the future too as supporting them in old age will be more convenient!

CecilyTheWake · 02/02/2022 19:13

MiL bought a place about 10 mins from us. Fortunately, I’d already had cause to establish boundaries with regard to her ‘dropping in’ unannounced so it hasn’t been too much of a problem. I definitely wouldn’t want her living any closer.

The problem is now that your DH has deliberately kept it a secret and without moving house there’s not a lot you can do apart from make sure they don’t have a key and you’re 100% strict about visits and expectations.

Morred · 02/02/2022 19:20

The good thing about your husband being so wimpy is that you can probably assert good boundaries and firmly shove things onto him. “Oh you didn’t mention you’d told MIL we’d do xyz, so I’ve already booked abc with the kids.”

User8721643839 · 02/02/2022 19:24

You could have just swapped houses if they are downsizing

Bugbabe1970 · 02/02/2022 19:31

Calm down everyone
It might ok
My DIL would love to live close to us and I live just around the corner from my parents. It's been a godsend!
It's anew phenomenon for families to be spread out all over the place
Might even be nice for your DCs

mirabellemadrigal · 02/02/2022 19:37

15-20 mins away would be too close for me

Seahorsemama · 02/02/2022 19:53

Have you watched “everyone loves Raymond” ?

Moll2020 · 02/02/2022 19:57

Ooh no too close, no keys, set ground rules, it’s your house.

Blossomtoes · 02/02/2022 20:01

@mirabellemadrigal

15-20 mins away would be too close for me

It’s actually the perfect distance when they’re hale and hearty. When they need help it’s too far. I’d have loved mine to be next door.