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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL so close

205 replies

ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 13:08

NC as possibly outing and don't want linked to other posts. My PIL currently live about 15-20 minutes away from us. They have recently accepted an offer on the home they've lived in for many years as are looking to downsize. The other day I asked DH about whether they had found anywhere to buy yet and he looked a bit sheepish and said he'd been 'meaning to mention' they've had an offer accepted on a house that is basically opposite us.

I feel like this is too close! I know IWBU to think I could have a say over where they live, but AIBU to feel annoyed? Or am I being mean?

OP posts:
Gilly12345 · 01/02/2022 15:13

Hubby knew this was too close, shifty fella.

Consider a move yourself?

Cheeky people.

limitedperiodonly · 01/02/2022 15:14

Oh shit. They only live 20 minutes away. How much closer do they want to live - in your shed?

My husband loved my mum who lived an hour away by train which she'd always do under her own steam. She stayed frequently and had her own key but would never turn up unannounced and would always knock and wait for the door to be answered. So would I at her house.

Though he loved his own mum just as a son should he would say he liked my mum more because she was so easy to get on with.

But even he would be horrified at her living over the road. So would she. She had her own life with her own friends and neighbours who enhanced but didn't replace her family. I'm sure that's why everyone liked her.

To add: my MIL has her own life and would never force herself on us or want us to intrude either. We love her and know she loves us. She got on well with my mum too perhaps because though different in their ways they were essentially the same - their own person.

TopTabby · 01/02/2022 15:14

This happened to us! PIL bought a bungalow opposite us. I wasn't happy but dh was really fed up as he liked to keep a distance from them & that was impossible now.
Him being cross about it really helped actually, I would've been furious if he knew & didn't say anything! You need to discuss that seriously with your dh.
As FIL got ill it put a real strain on dh, he has 2 golden siblings they totally prefer but we were 'there' so to speak.
FIL has died now & while it is good to not have to travel any distance to check in on MIL we definitely feel we're at her beck & call. DH is described to her friends as 'handy', that's when she's not moaning about never seeing usHmm
I've stepped right back just lately as I noticed I wasn't being invited to anything nice but was conveinient for shopping, lifts etc.
It's not completely awful but definitely set boundaries & make very sure dh is on side.

StrawberryPot · 01/02/2022 15:15

Well there isn't anything you can do about it is there? You can't dictate where they live.

However. unless you're in your 'forever home' - and they know that - I'd be saying that if they're moving to be close to you they ought to bear in mind that you can't guarantee you won't be moving at some point in the future yourselves. You may need to move for work, schools or just to upgrade. It would be very unfair of them to assume otherwise.

TheFlis12345 · 01/02/2022 15:21

The fact that your DH didn’t tell you and your PIL didn’t mention it clearly says they all deliberately hid it knowing you would not be happy.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 01/02/2022 15:27

Wow I’m sorry your DH seemed to know all about this despite knowing you wouldn’t be okay with it. I think many time my DH loves his family more than me but even he wouldn’t dare do this, even though it would be a dream come true for him, he knows how it would affect me and for that reason he just wouldn’t suggest it nevermind ok it behind my back. I would literally just move out. Without DH.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/02/2022 15:31

I just couldn't live with a man like this. He know secrecy is enough of an issue for you two to need counselling, and then he does this. He's very selfish.

AnnaSW1 · 01/02/2022 15:33

You'll have to move.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/02/2022 15:36

@DisforDarkChocolate

I just couldn't live with a man like this. He know secrecy is enough of an issue for you two to need counselling, and then he does this. He's very selfish.
This. This sums it up for me.
billy1966 · 01/02/2022 15:44

@Fujimora

If that were my DH I would be seriously questioning what was happening in my marriage.

If they have not yet exchanged contracts they can still pull out. Arrange a meeting for today and tell them this will not work for all the reasons given above.

If that fails you should move.

If my husband did something like that I would definitely be wondering what the hell was going on in my marriage, because he would be looking at moving in with them.

Shockingly sly.

Cherrysoup · 01/02/2022 15:45

Didnt tell you and clearly your relationship with them is not close given you’ve just found this out. I’d be incandescent! For sale sign would be going up tomorrow. What are their expectations of you? That you provide personal care? Do jobs for them?

Original poster
ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 15:45

Yep the situation with DH is probably the bigger issue here. I suppose I could ask him to leave and he could go and live opposite with his mum! At least it would make it easy for him to see the kids!!

OP posts:
Aderyn21 · 01/02/2022 15:46

I'd bypass the counselling and just go straight for the divorce

1forAll74 · 01/02/2022 15:46

They are allowed to live where they like in my view.. It's always women who have issues with the inlaws for some reason.!

Aderyn21 · 01/02/2022 15:49

Because it's usually women who get lumbered with demands from ils - be that chores they need help with, or expectations to entertain them and provide unfettered access to the kids!

HangoverSquare · 01/02/2022 15:53

@nokidshere

And why on earth should they discuss it with you? They can live wherever they like.
Because it's weird as hell for them to buy the house across the road without mentioning it first.
billy1966 · 01/02/2022 15:56

OP,

Get your ducks in a row.
Paperwork, salary slips, and copies of all assets/pensions.

This isn't a once off.
He's a snake.

Be quietly prepared.
Flowers

Biker47 · 01/02/2022 15:56

Ring up your inlaws and and say; "since you're looking at moving to this area, do you want to buy our house?"

cptartapp · 01/02/2022 16:00

SIL lives next door to PIL. All nicey nicey when the DC were young and there was fee childcare on tap. Now the DC are older teens and with PIL becoming frail, and most definitely expecting 'payback'. SIL feels so beholden, trapped and unable to move. Every move is scrutinised, commented on and questioned. The teens are frustrated with their GP through years of over involvement and constantly 'being there'. Will only get worse.
Fun all round.

drpet49 · 01/02/2022 16:06

* Well there isn't anything you can do about it is there? You can't dictate where they live.*

^This

WilsonMilson · 01/02/2022 16:07

God no, I couldn’t bear that. I could just about manage my folks living that close, but even then it would grate a bit and feel smothering. The in laws? No bloody way. I’d move, seriously.
Also, your DH is awful for not telling you.

SocialConnection · 01/02/2022 16:08

Where they choose to spend their money and make their home is of course their business.

But the point is -

All three of them have behaved with manipulative secrecy together, conversations behind your back, excluding you from what was happening, witholding information until too late, presenting you with a done deal, him looking sheepish because he knew how you would feel...

He's caught in the middle of this, but you have a lot of content for your next counselling session right there.

I'd want to know what exactly are the expectations of all three.

And I'd be making my expectations and boundaries to the three of them very clear indeed.

Have you drawn up your list of 'things up with which I will not put'?

Original poster
ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 16:09

I don't think there are any expectations on me in terms of providing care etc. I'm pretty sure they don't like me very much anymore (I've given up trying to be the golden DIL in recent years). But there will be on DH.

Sadly FIL will almost certainly pass away relatively soon so MIL will be on her own which I think she will find very hard, understandably. She doesn't have a lot of friends. I feel like she relies on DH and his sibling for close relationships (and FIL obviously).

OP posts:
SocialConnection · 01/02/2022 16:09

PS, I recommend watching the US comedy series Everybody Loves Raymond

WilsonMilson · 01/02/2022 16:11

@SocialConnection

PS, I recommend watching the US comedy series Everybody Loves Raymond
Lol, I second this recommendation!