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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL so close

205 replies

ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 13:08

NC as possibly outing and don't want linked to other posts. My PIL currently live about 15-20 minutes away from us. They have recently accepted an offer on the home they've lived in for many years as are looking to downsize. The other day I asked DH about whether they had found anywhere to buy yet and he looked a bit sheepish and said he'd been 'meaning to mention' they've had an offer accepted on a house that is basically opposite us.

I feel like this is too close! I know IWBU to think I could have a say over where they live, but AIBU to feel annoyed? Or am I being mean?

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 01/02/2022 14:15

I would be very upset about my upcoming divorce.

But onwards and upwards.

nokidshere · 01/02/2022 14:15

And why on earth should they discuss it with you? They can live wherever they like.
GBut why haven’t they discussed it? That’s the elephant in the room, they have found the house, presumably viewed it, discussed it,sorted out their finances, put in an offer.... all without mentioning it to the OP

If she had posted,saying her in laws were asking about her house move she would have been told it's none of their business. Nothings different. Maybe they were going to surprise her, maybe they think she will enjoy them being so close. Maybe they've done it out of spite. Regardless of all these things it's still nothing to do with the op.

If she has an issue with her dh keeping secrets from her then that's a different issue

Porcupineintherough · 01/02/2022 14:15

YANBU not to like the implications but it needn't stop you having boundaries re frequency of visits, popping in etc. Just make sure you and your dh are on the same page.

On the plus side, it means that visits can be kept short, very handy if your dh plans to support them in older age (mot people do need to support their parents at some point) and if you have young children then its handy for babysitting and later on, when you leave them alone in the house, its nice to know there is help nearby if you need it.

So it need not be a disaster.

Ellie56 · 01/02/2022 14:16

Eeek!

What's your relationship with them like?

PussGirl · 01/02/2022 14:16

It really depends on what they are like & the state of your relationship with them.

The fact he "forgot to mention it" suggests to me that they can be a right pain in the backside.

Do not give them a key & if they have a key get it back - they'll not be needing one now they're just across the way.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 01/02/2022 14:17

*I'd be straight on to the estate agents, decluttering the house and getting it ready to go on the market!

He must have known for a while.*

This^
Also, do they have a spare key? You need to change the locks (preferably to ones where you need a code to get a copy).

tkwal · 01/02/2022 14:17

It's nice that they like you and your dh enough to want to live closer to you. It would also have been nice if they had mentioned it before they offered rather than present you with a fait accompli. If the move goes ahead , lock your external doors at all times, set boundaries on when they can visit, and when you will visit them. I have the feeling you're not a "just popping in" kind of person (nor am I). Communicating how you would like things to be in advance usually simplifies things. Equally you need to realise that, if you have kids , they may not wish to be on tap babysitters.

mixum · 01/02/2022 14:19

Move to their former house.

Whatever about up the road out of view, directly across the road would totally ruin my sense of sanctuary/privacy.

ZenNudist · 01/02/2022 14:19

I don't think you can do anything about this other than set good boundaries from the start.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 01/02/2022 14:21

@nokidshere

And why on earth should they discuss it with you? They can live wherever they like.
Yes, yes they can.

And so can OP. She can choose not to live opposite her PIL.

Aderyn21 · 01/02/2022 14:21

If you don't divorce your lying arse of a husband, then your strategy for this is to make every request they may make his issue to deal with. So if they want shopping, get him to do it, need the wifi fixing or someone to wait in for the boiler man - dh! No popping in without asking if it's convenient. Don't be rearranging your life to accommodate them - carry on as if they weren't there.

HelloKeith · 01/02/2022 14:24

@AskingforaBaskin

I would be very upset about my upcoming divorce.

But onwards and upwards.

Grin

I mean, why not. How can you ever trust your lying toad of a weasel husband now?

Lockdownbear · 01/02/2022 14:29

@SpaceOp

Personally, I'd love it if MIL lived across the road. She's quite frail and a bit helpless and being able to just zip over to help her or send DS to hold her hand so that she can walk over the road to us would be a huge help. Both my family and DH's are the kind that, logistics permitting, lots of regular contact but in small doses is preferable so if she was across the road, there'd be a constant in and out, which would be fine, but no need for endless hours and hours and hours of her sat on our couch.

My dad is considering a move to less than 5 minutes walk away from us and we're loving the idea. DS knows that if it happens he'll be stopping in regularly if grandpa ever needs a second pair of hands and I'm looking forward to being able to nip out for a quick dog walk with him or to meeting in the village for a cup of coffee.

However, if your PIL are the type who will be IN YOUR FACE, I'd be running! Grin

I think there is a huge difference between a 5min walk and across the road.

5min is close enough for everyone, to support and feel supported. Across the road is watching your every move. Why did you have a taxi at 3am sort of questions - who's visiting. Where are you going?

Op not sure what I'd do could be its the only suitable house in the area.

HP87 · 01/02/2022 14:30

No way for my liking! Not even my own parents. The house opposite my parents came up (which we loved and wanted), but with young kids I just didn't want to deal with them seeing who's car was outside grandparents and who was there at the weekend. We see my family alot but it doesn't mean we want to be there every weekend and listen to the kids moaning when then can see auntie/uncles car at grandparents out the window.

Dearblossom · 01/02/2022 14:37

I am glad to say my daughter would adore me living over the road, my heart goes out to the good lonely grandparents of the world reading posts like this.

BackInBlackAgain · 01/02/2022 14:37

I would hate this. My daughter would have to watch the golden grand kids going for sleepovers and going for meals with the grandparents whilst they never bother their arse over her.

It would never happen as MIL lives opposite SIL anyway. SIL wouldnt allow MIL to move (PIL are under the thumb of SIL)

SpaceOp · 01/02/2022 14:39

@Lockdownbear I would be happy with MIL across the road... and in fact it was a possibility a few years ago but sadly finances didn't allow! Grin

Porcupineintherough · 01/02/2022 14:39

@Lockdownbear you think the OP's inlaws are going to set up a 24 hour watch on their house? OP must have a far more exciting life than most people to make that worthwhile.

Original poster
ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 14:39

Oh gosh - posted this and then went in to a meeting. Am reading the comments now.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 01/02/2022 14:41

Id not like it
My parents and my brother live across the road from each other. Lives are ridiculously interdependent
My inlaws live next door to each other (pil and sil) Its endless curtain twitching and commenting on what the other is doing
No thanks

JudgeJ · 01/02/2022 14:41

@Onlywomengivebirth

No no no no no
Agree, as the parents in this scenario, I wouldn't want to be an on-tap free baby sitting service, school pick-ups, sick child off school etc etc.. They must be mad to put themselves so close to having little time to themselves! See, these things cut both ways.
galacticpixels · 01/02/2022 14:41

I don't think you can say anything to them really but I get where you're coming from.

DP's parents live 20 minutes away. We get on really well but I wouldn't want or need them across the road from us . We see them every 2 weeks and talk on the phone once a week. This is more than enough for us (my family live 5 hours away so we rarely see them).

Eddielzzard · 01/02/2022 14:42

Depends on what they're like. If you get on well and you both have clear boundaries and respect and like each other, then fine. If they're overbearing or controlling it's going to be a problem.

godmum56 · 01/02/2022 14:47

@nokidshere

And why on earth should they discuss it with you? They can live wherever they like. GBut why haven’t they discussed it? That’s the elephant in the room, they have found the house, presumably viewed it, discussed it,sorted out their finances, put in an offer.... all without mentioning it to the OP

If she had posted,saying her in laws were asking about her house move she would have been told it's none of their business. Nothings different. Maybe they were going to surprise her, maybe they think she will enjoy them being so close. Maybe they've done it out of spite. Regardless of all these things it's still nothing to do with the op.

If she has an issue with her dh keeping secrets from her then that's a different issue

maybe he knew she'd go Librarian poo?
Dixiechickonhols · 01/02/2022 14:48

No. And the fact he didn’t tell you speaks volumes. You need to speak to him now. I’d be clear you are not comfortable about living opposite pil so if they move there you are moving.
I’d feel same way about my mum. Why are your blinds down at 10am, why was your milk on step, your comings and goings being watched. Plus is there assumption you’ll provide care etc in future.