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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm an early riser - DH is not - AIBU to think this is a fair compromise?

206 replies

recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:22

Nine times out of ten I am up before 6am (just the way I'm wired I guess). I can't "go back to sleep" - believe me I have tried!

So normally I get up and deal with the usual morning stuff - feed cats, dog walk, cat litter, tidy, empty dishwasher, take (adult) DC to work/station if asked

This is not a problem - happy to do it - however DH is a total night owl. He goes to bed past midnight and will get up (eventually) at around 9am (he does work).

The issues I have is that he wakes multiple times from 5am onwards - to get a drink, go to the loo etc but still manages to go back to sleep each time

AIBU to ask that on one or two days he gets up AND stays up so he can do some of the above tasks?

My other AIBU is - how do you stay in bed when you are wide awake?! I really need tips on this

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves21 · 01/02/2022 21:28

YANBU for leaving him some jobs to do when he wakes.
But I’d be fucking furious if my other half demanded I get up before six am to do jobs. That’s the middle of the night!! 9am is hardly like he’s lounging around in bed all day. You’re being very unreasonable.

Lou98 · 01/02/2022 21:31

@buddylicious

I don't understand people who say that they just can't help getting up at say 6am, despite trying!

Go to bed at 2am for a week and you'll soon get into it!

In fairness though, that's the same as people saying if you're a night owl just "go to bed earlier" and you'll get up earlier.

I'm more of a night owl, if I go to bed earlier, I toss and turn all night and get up feeling shattered as I've barely slept. Everyone's different, some people are early risers and go to bed earlier, some people are late to bed and up a bit later - neither is wrong

FawnFrenchieMum · 01/02/2022 21:39

We’re the opposite here, DH is always up at 6am, I like to stay in bed until 9/9.30 on a weekend. I really wouldn’t want to stay up at 5/6am for jobs that can be done later in the day. I’d really resent that. I do get up if the kids have hobbies starting early but otherwise no, I’d not be happy.

Original poster
recycledcat · 01/02/2022 21:40

OP here again (for more criticism!) - just to say we chatted about it last night and this morning he fed the cat when he got up for his tenth pee of the night - at 7am if anyone interested - cat happy, DH managed to go back to sleep and I ignored all other chores as was my day off!

Win-win this end. It's a "one-off" and wouldn't expect him to do it every night but I'm really not ogre either

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 01/02/2022 21:47

Me and my husband are the same as you and your husband. Sometimes I’m up at 4:30am😮 however that’s my issue and I wouldn’t impose jobs on my husband just because it suits me to get up early!

MotherOfCrocodiles · 01/02/2022 21:49

He's probably only even getting up at 6 for the loo because you are waking him by doing the house work at stupid o'clock , poor guy!

AlDanvers · 01/02/2022 21:56

I wake up early every day. I do jobs as well.

Your cats want feeding early, because they are used to it. Because you get up.

My dogs don't sleep past 5am. Because they are used to me getting up at 5am. They are back asleep by 6am.

If dp told me I started to need stayi f up to do jobs that could be done at any other time, because thats what he rhinks should happen, I would chuckle and tell him I was off to bed at 8pm.

Pp was right. There's only a morning ahift because you have created and if you are up anyway, I think its quite odd to make dh feed the cats.

rookiemere · 01/02/2022 22:19

7 am is very different to 5am. It seems weird that you'd want him to feed the cats if you've been awake since 5am anyway. But hey ho, if you're both happy, that's fine.

Original poster
recycledcat · 01/02/2022 22:22

FFS!

I have not made DH do anything - if you read the original post I have asked whether it's unreasonable to do some stuff (occasionally) when he is up and active.

I have not given him a frigging list of chores!

The cats need feeding by hand because they are on a renal diet - so sachets need to be opened

I am not imposing jobs on DH!

@MotherOfCrocodiles - he is up multiple times as he has underlying health issues

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 01/02/2022 22:23

We are the same, my partner does his share of the jobs at night while I'm asleep.

Closetbeanmuncher · 02/02/2022 08:52

when he got up for his tenth pee of the night

Sorry OP complete random question but has he has his prostate checked recently?

If not it may be advisable.

HootOwl · 02/02/2022 10:30

[quote recycledcat]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

But there isn't a morning shift. You don't have toddlers to wrangle or school runs to do or running a farm or whatever.

How do you know? Morning shifts exist beyond the school run or irrespective of "having to run a farm"![/quote]
You said you work flexible hours too so you could easily start later if you wished to. None of the tasks you described need to be done at the crack of dawn. Getting up so early is a choice you are making because it suits you, which is fine, but don't then complain about it! If you don't want to be up early twice a week then just get up later those days! When your DH gets up is not relevant.

Loopytiles · 02/02/2022 10:33

U to ask him to stay up!

Not U to share domestic work, pet care and so on, but DH can do his share at other times of day

Helping adult DC (eg lifts) is non essential so up to the individual parent what to do/not so.

SartresSoul · 02/02/2022 10:35

I think you’re being a bit of a martyr. You choose to wake up so early, he doesn’t force you to. You also choose to spend your time doing all of these chores, again he doesn’t force you to. If you’re unhappy doing them all, leave some of the jobs for him. When he wakes up to get a drink, ask him if he can do one or two of the smaller jobs then (like feeding the cats for example) and leave it at that. You don’t need to do all of those things every morning before he wakes up, some can wait.

Pootlepoodle · 02/02/2022 10:37

Your DH sounds lovely. Lucky you! Smile

SparkleTwinkle101 · 02/02/2022 14:39

@recycledcat

FFS!

I have not made DH do anything - if you read the original post I have asked whether it's unreasonable to do some stuff (occasionally) when he is up and active.

I have not given him a frigging list of chores!

The cats need feeding by hand because they are on a renal diet - so sachets need to be opened

I am not imposing jobs on DH!

@MotherOfCrocodiles - he is up multiple times as he has underlying health issues

This isn't having a go but we have an automatic feeder that has a 'fridge' function so keeps food cool which is what we use if we go away for wet food so there are defo options out there!
incognitoforthisone · 02/02/2022 14:45

When you said your husband was a night owl I thought you were going to say he gets up at midday or something.

YABU, I'm afraid. If you want jobs around the house done before 9am, either do them yourself or leave them for him to do later. Your inability to stay in bed past 6am, and your need for housework to be done immediately upon waking, isn't anyone else's problem. You sound quite obsessive and uptight about these things, and I don't think you should be imposing that on the people around you.

roarfeckingroarr · 02/02/2022 15:01

YABU.

I wake around 5/6am for a wee, a drink, then go back to sleep until 8/8.30. No way would I want to get up and stay up, it doesn't feel like day time yet.

Agree that he does some jobs in the evenings once you go to bed. Or just lighten up a bit because you say yourself you're happy to do them.

betwixtlives · 02/02/2022 15:27

Yabu

buddylicious · 03/02/2022 06:35

As far as the cats are concerned, gradually change the time they get fed.

We did this with our dog as he would start whining and pacing for his food very early in the morning.

Blessex · 03/02/2022 06:38

Mumsnet. Twitter. News websites. While away many hours in bed with that. In fact I think - why can’t I get up and feed the dog Grin

FangsForTheMemory · 03/02/2022 06:40

YABU. I often wake up at about 6am then go to the loo and go back to sleep for three hours. If I don’t, I’m asleep on my feet all day.

Spookytooth · 03/02/2022 07:03

You need something pleasurable to do in the morning so it isn't just duties.
Do the necessary then cuddle up on the sofa with a good book for an hour. Or peruse MN. Or start your new exercise regime.
I get up early and spend it on MN. I enjoy the peace.

eurochick · 03/02/2022 07:24

Cat timer bowls can have an ice pack to keep wet food fresh. We use them for wet food if we go away overnight.

LavenderAskew · 03/02/2022 07:48

From what you've written @recycledcat you're annoyed more at the fact you wake early and can't get back to sleep.

I'd suggest making sure you go to bed early enough to get a decent night's sleep (presuming you sleep well) and try switching your mindset to make your early mornings something you like.

Part of doing that might be leaving half the tasks for DH to do later (or at midnight).

You start feeling that you enjoy the time you get interacting with your animals (feeding and walking) and with your adult children.

Set aside time where you sit on a favourite seat, have your favourite morning drink and read a book or watch an episode TV show.

Also if you do sleep unbroken night when you wake be grateful you have a good night's sleep. (Part of being grateful is about setting a positive mindset.)

Postive affirmations can sound like a stupid thing to do, but they are very healthy. You wake up and tell yourself "I am lucky yo have had a good night's sleep and to have woken in a warm and comfortable bed". The when you're feeding (and talking to!?) the cats, you tell yourself 'I am lucky to spend this time with my cats, who I chose as my companion animals". Stuff like that.

It just makes your mornings positive and takes away resentment.

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