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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm an early riser - DH is not - AIBU to think this is a fair compromise?

206 replies

recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:22

Nine times out of ten I am up before 6am (just the way I'm wired I guess). I can't "go back to sleep" - believe me I have tried!

So normally I get up and deal with the usual morning stuff - feed cats, dog walk, cat litter, tidy, empty dishwasher, take (adult) DC to work/station if asked

This is not a problem - happy to do it - however DH is a total night owl. He goes to bed past midnight and will get up (eventually) at around 9am (he does work).

The issues I have is that he wakes multiple times from 5am onwards - to get a drink, go to the loo etc but still manages to go back to sleep each time

AIBU to ask that on one or two days he gets up AND stays up so he can do some of the above tasks?

My other AIBU is - how do you stay in bed when you are wide awake?! I really need tips on this

OP posts:
nalabae · 31/01/2022 23:32

I wish I was like you I’m more like your dh
He should help though

maddening · 31/01/2022 23:33

Yabu

Wife2b · 31/01/2022 23:43

Unless he is saying you have to be productive when you get up at 6am then you are BU. I’d tell my other half where to go if he tried to dictate when I should get out of bed - 9am isn’t outrageous.

SmolCat · 31/01/2022 23:44

If it helps @recycledcat my cat used to wake me up at the crack of dawn for breakfast but I started using setting a timed feeder and it’s really helped! Took a while to get used to but there’s no meowing at me for breakfast now!

Thirtytimesround · 31/01/2022 23:49

Yabu for most of that list. Only the pets need feeding straght away, everything else could wait. You’re choosing to do it. If you don’t want to, leave it for him.

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 31/01/2022 23:59

YABVU. If he’s disturbing you then try separate rooms, but if you just want to dictate when he does stuff then you’re being very unreasonable.

Changemaname1 · 31/01/2022 23:59

There’s no way in hell I’d be going for a wee at 5-6am and considering that morning and time to get up! Especially if I wasn’t at work that day . Leave the jobs that can be left untill he’s up

user33323 · 01/02/2022 00:54

I am your husband in this scenario, hence me posting now. I just can't sleep before 1, usually later. The difference is I do have to get up early and do those things as he works away a few days a week, but on the days he is here he does it and I get lie ins on the weekend while he gets up with the kids. Compromise is he naps in the day/after work when he can (I never do) and I do the evening jobs like getting the kids uniform and lunches ready or evening dish washer. Rather than work against his natural body clock, can't you make the job share fairer by him doing more in the evening?

user33323 · 01/02/2022 00:57

Also I get up to use the toilet in the night without fail but with my eyes closed and stumbling. If I got up at 5am/6am I would be physically incapable of doing anything useful. It takes me a good hour to be able to even open my eyes properly before 7am.

GirlOfTudor · 01/02/2022 01:15

Yabu in expecting your husband to wake up far earlier than usual just because you do. If you state that you're naturally wired to be an early riser, you have to accept that your husband just isn't.
If you want him to help with the chores, ask him. But I don't see how that correlates with him needing to wake up before 6am to do them.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 01/02/2022 01:22

It ebbs and flows with me and DH, we both go through different phases. When kids were small he thought I was a morning person..... so, so, so wrong.... it was just I had to get up as the little shits did.

Since Christmas I have barely dragged my arse out of bed by 9am. I work but at home, for husbands business and only about 3 days a week. He brings me a tea every morning.... it usually goes cold and I microwave later. He NEVER gives me a hard time about my choices of how to spend my day. He treats me like an adult and he is the better person than me. I nag the crap out of him every chance I get.... then feel bad as I remember he never judges me!

BadLad · 01/02/2022 01:48

have a cuppa with the back door open

With the back door open? What for?

MouseholeCat · 01/02/2022 01:56

You need to either allocate some chores to be done after you go to bed or leave some for him to do when he gets up. Essentially your compromise asks him to do the chores on your schedule rather than his, which isn't really a compromise because you aren't sacrificing anything.

lborgia · 01/02/2022 01:59

@BadLad - I'm sorry, is that not allowed?

At various points in my life I've had a wall, a balcony, or 1/4 of an acre outside my back door. I've also had nothing, just a window.

Whatever, I like being outside or letting fresh air in if I can, especially first thing. It might not be your thing, but a lot of people get something from hearing a bit of bird twittering, or seeing the sun. I just thought it might help change the way OP feels the need to charge through her morning.

notangelinajolie · 01/02/2022 02:06

YABU to expect someone else to run to the same time clock as you.
And goodness me, going to bed at midnight does not make him a night bird. It's 2am and I'm thinking I might go to bed soon but I don't feel sleepy so I might just stay up a bit longer. If my DH got up at 5am we would cross on the stairs a fair few times.

buddylicious · 01/02/2022 03:33

@notangelinajolie

YABU to expect someone else to run to the same time clock as you. And goodness me, going to bed at midnight does not make him a night bird. It's 2am and I'm thinking I might go to bed soon but I don't feel sleepy so I might just stay up a bit longer. If my DH got up at 5am we would cross on the stairs a fair few times.

You're right. I'm a nightbird. It's 3.30am and I've just got in bed but can't sleep yet so am catching up on MN.

I don't get up until about 11am at weekends.

My FIL has phoned about 10am before and has called me lazy as I've still been asleep. That makes my blood boil as I don't sleep any longer than him, just a different time of the day.

I'm tempted to phone him at 2am and call him lazy if he's asleep!

Mumdiva99 · 01/02/2022 06:37

He could do some of these jobs in the evening.

Redglitter · 01/02/2022 06:44

I am pretty adept at staying up past midnight - just don't want to be expected to do EVERY morning shift

But you're not you're choosing to do it all. Your husband is up at 9am I'd say that's a normal reasonable time. It's not like he's in bed til lunchtime. If youre up early why not just relax and enjoy the quiet. You're making an issue when there isn't one

BadLad · 01/02/2022 06:50

[quote lborgia]@BadLad - I'm sorry, is that not allowed?

At various points in my life I've had a wall, a balcony, or 1/4 of an acre outside my back door. I've also had nothing, just a window.

Whatever, I like being outside or letting fresh air in if I can, especially first thing. It might not be your thing, but a lot of people get something from hearing a bit of bird twittering, or seeing the sun. I just thought it might help change the way OP feels the need to charge through her morning.[/quote]
"What for?" is asking why. It doesn't have any nuance of something not being allowed.

Seems odd to me, to be in your house with the backdoor open, but you d you.

EveningOverRooftops · 01/02/2022 07:18

Tbh op if I was up before 6 and no toddlers I’d only walk the dog if I enjoyed it and spend the rest of the time doing hobby stuff like reading with a brew.

PinkSyCo · 01/02/2022 07:30

Very unreasonable to expect him to get up at 5am just because you’re up. He can’t help having a different body clock to you. Apart from seeing to the pets there’s nothing that you can’t save for him to do later ( the kids can get themselves to work) if you think the workload is unfairly shared.

Abraxan · 01/02/2022 07:34

I suspect the cats are only awake at that time because they are used to you being up and about, getting them into the early feeding routine. I'm sure they could be 'reset' into a later routine, if left for a little longer each day.

Dh is an early riser. I'm not. I would not be impressed by having to be up doing chores at 7am, let alone ones that can be left til later.

None of the tasks need to be done at 6am. Just do ' your share' if you are up and want to and leave the rest.

rookiemere · 01/02/2022 07:44

Actually OP my suggestion is that you both go to bed at 10/10.30 and get up at 7/7.30. That's what I do and it suits me, so it must be universal- right ?

buddylicious · 01/02/2022 19:14

I don't understand people who say that they just can't help getting up at say 6am, despite trying!

Go to bed at 2am for a week and you'll soon get into it!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 01/02/2022 20:13

@buddylicious

I don't understand people who say that they just can't help getting up at say 6am, despite trying!

Go to bed at 2am for a week and you'll soon get into it!

In my case, I just wake up at 6am anyway and end up feeling absolutely horrendous.

I think if you on't have sleep issues you never really understand how shit it can be, lol.