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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm an early riser - DH is not - AIBU to think this is a fair compromise?

206 replies

recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:22

Nine times out of ten I am up before 6am (just the way I'm wired I guess). I can't "go back to sleep" - believe me I have tried!

So normally I get up and deal with the usual morning stuff - feed cats, dog walk, cat litter, tidy, empty dishwasher, take (adult) DC to work/station if asked

This is not a problem - happy to do it - however DH is a total night owl. He goes to bed past midnight and will get up (eventually) at around 9am (he does work).

The issues I have is that he wakes multiple times from 5am onwards - to get a drink, go to the loo etc but still manages to go back to sleep each time

AIBU to ask that on one or two days he gets up AND stays up so he can do some of the above tasks?

My other AIBU is - how do you stay in bed when you are wide awake?! I really need tips on this

OP posts:
namechange30455 · 31/01/2022 21:36

@recycledcat

Nine times out of ten I am up before 6am (just the way I'm wired I guess). I can't "go back to sleep" - believe me I have tried!

So normally I get up and deal with the usual morning stuff - feed cats, dog walk, cat litter, tidy, empty dishwasher, take (adult) DC to work/station if asked

This is not a problem - happy to do it - however DH is a total night owl. He goes to bed past midnight and will get up (eventually) at around 9am (he does work).

The issues I have is that he wakes multiple times from 5am onwards - to get a drink, go to the loo etc but still manages to go back to sleep each time

AIBU to ask that on one or two days he gets up AND stays up so he can do some of the above tasks?

My other AIBU is - how do you stay in bed when you are wide awake?! I really need tips on this

That's not a "compromise", is it, it's just you demanding he does it your way sometimes?

Which days will you be staying up past midnight and staying in bed til 9am to "compromise" with him then OP?

TheKeatingFive · 31/01/2022 21:36

Why does he have to do these tasks at 6am? Confused

Heronwatcher · 31/01/2022 21:36

Yes he should do his share, but absolutely not at 5.30am! There is a massive difference between getting up for a quick wee/ drink and going straight back to bed (which loads of people do) and being up for the day.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2022 21:37

I'd laugh at my husband if I got up for a wee in (what I consider to be) the night and he asked me to forgo another few hours of sleep and do some non urgent jobs, that could be done at any time, instead

If you feel the division of labour is unfair, tell him this and either leave him some jobs to do when he gets up, or has a lunch break when wfh, or in the evening after you've gone to bed.

Lalala1 · 31/01/2022 21:38

@Clymene

Most of that stuff can wait. And your adult child doesn't need a lift to the station on demand for definite!
Seriously?!Hmm she said if they asked not demanded

I’d just ask him to do some of it when he wakes up properly (ie. not for a drink/toilet) do some of it then have a coffee in peace Smile

Odoreida · 31/01/2022 21:38

So hard going back to sleep. I tend to drink tea and watch the sun rise and stroke the cat and read endless books though. I agree with leave the tasks for him.

PlanetNormal · 31/01/2022 21:38

I have a similar situation, but in reverse. I’m the owl, DP is the lark. He doesn’t expect me to get up in the middle of the night to do stuff which I could do perfectly well after I have got up at a civilised hour. I don’t expect him to stay up late to do stuff that he could do when he gets up before dawn.

It’s called ‘live & let live’.

Trisolaris · 31/01/2022 21:39

I’m a night owl and dp is a morning owl. I’d find it totally unreasonable if he expected me to be productive first thing but equally as others have said, I will do loads of things before bed and I would never expect him to as he has no energy at that time of day. If there is loads for you to do first thing it sounds like he needs to do more the night before.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 31/01/2022 21:39

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I'd laugh at my husband if I got up for a wee in (what I consider to be) the night and he asked me to forgo another few hours of sleep and do some non urgent jobs, that could be done at any time, instead

If you feel the division of labour is unfair, tell him this and either leave him some jobs to do when he gets up, or has a lunch break when wfh, or in the evening after you've gone to bed.

Exactly this. I often get up for a wee at 5am ish. I’d think DH was mad if he suggested that I get up at that time to do a load of chores that can be done later in the day. DH gets to earlier than me… he gets up at 6, I get up around 7.45am. We just function better at different times.
Original poster
recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:41

Do they all need doing at the crack of dawn? - no I believe this is my "problem" not one for DH!

In answer to queries - yes he does his fair share and is very helpful.

He works flexible hours - hence later start ( to be fair s do I but I'm just an early bird)

I think I need to learn how to "leave things for him" and not get stressed that they are not done by X o'clock

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 31/01/2022 21:41

It would be absolutely reasonable for him to do some of those jobs at a civilised hour like midnight. But dragging someone unnecessarily out of bed in the middle of the night at 5am? Inhumane.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2022 21:41

I think some people just can't get back to sleep. You've said yourself its just the way you're wired. It depends why you can't get back to sleep. Things you could try are -
Writing down your thoughts and a to do list for the day before you go to sleep so you're not running it over in your mind when you wake up
Improving the darkness with blackouts if you're somewhere where light gets in in the morning (even unnatural light)
Going to bed later if you're genuinely just well rested and get enough sleep
Making sure you dont drink in the couple of hours before you go to bed so you dont need a wee when you wake
If its him that's waking you up then that's different and he needs to try and stop getting up and down in the early morning and disturbing you - he could go back to sleep somewhere else, you could try ear plugs and / or white noise, separate duvets etc so he is not disturbing you

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2022 21:43

There are also apps you can try, I know headspace for example have a 'getting back to sleep' exercise

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/01/2022 21:44

So.....what would be the point of asking him to stay awake at 5am and do chores?

NumberTheory · 31/01/2022 21:45

I tend not to be able to go back to sleep once I've woken. If I want to stay in bed I normally read with a book light. When I'm really tired I have had some limited success getting back to sleep by getting a hot water bottle (or microwave heat pad). The warmth seems to help a bit. But it wouldn't work if DH was getting up multiple times for cups of water etc.

Agree with others that (apart from taking DC to station, which it sounds like is a favour rather than something you and DH are obliged to do between you) your plan isn't really a compromise as these things don't have to be done in the morning. You just need to just leave tasks for him. If he won't do his fair share at some other point then you have an issue but it really doesn't have anything to do with him not being an early riser like you.

NumberTheory · 31/01/2022 21:46

Sorry. x-posted. Slow typing.

DirtyDancing · 31/01/2022 21:46

We are like this, so my Hubby does the 'evening jobs' eg unloads the dishwasher when it's finished before he goes to bed, puts out the breakfast things, gets the school bags ready for the next day/ water bottles etc. I leave the washing machine / tumble dry on for him to sort the washing, fold clothes etc after I have gone to bed.

PeakyBlender · 31/01/2022 21:46

Not a chance in hell I would ever get up at 5am to do chores that can wait.

Christienne · 31/01/2022 21:46

DH is similar to you and I am similar to your DH

I would be thoroughly unimpressed if DH started dictating what time I had to get to in the morning.

Your need to have those jobs complete by a given time is your issue to deal with, not your DHs.

Original poster
recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:46

Which days will you be staying up past midnight and staying in bed til 9am to "compromise" with him then OP?

To be honest I'd take two days a week - sadly cats do not have a schedule and can make going back to sleep an absolute horror!

I am pretty adept at staying up past midnight - just don't want to be expected to do EVERY morning shift

OP posts:
CrushedPistachios · 31/01/2022 21:47

Honestly, flip this around. How would you respond if you were asked by your husband to do chores at 12/1am when you got up in the night to use the bathroom??

I’m also up early, but it really bugs me when early birds seem to feel they have a moral superiority over people who aren’t on their schedule.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 31/01/2022 21:48

But it doesn’t sound like he’s expecting you to do anything? You’re choosing to do it at that time.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/01/2022 21:48

I should coco!

No way would l get up at 6 to do chores. I’d never get up at 6 if l didn’t have to. Why don’t you clean up at 12.39 at night?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/01/2022 21:49

I am pretty adept at staying up past midnight - just don't want to be expected to do EVERY morning shift

But there isn't a morning shift. You don't have toddlers to wrangle or school runs to do or running a farm or whatever.

Octomore · 31/01/2022 21:49

@recycledcat

Which days will you be staying up past midnight and staying in bed til 9am to "compromise" with him then OP?

To be honest I'd take two days a week - sadly cats do not have a schedule and can make going back to sleep an absolute horror!

I am pretty adept at staying up past midnight - just don't want to be expected to do EVERY morning shift

The issue is having a 50/50 split of chores - not when the chores are done.
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