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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm an early riser - DH is not - AIBU to think this is a fair compromise?

206 replies

recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:22

Nine times out of ten I am up before 6am (just the way I'm wired I guess). I can't "go back to sleep" - believe me I have tried!

So normally I get up and deal with the usual morning stuff - feed cats, dog walk, cat litter, tidy, empty dishwasher, take (adult) DC to work/station if asked

This is not a problem - happy to do it - however DH is a total night owl. He goes to bed past midnight and will get up (eventually) at around 9am (he does work).

The issues I have is that he wakes multiple times from 5am onwards - to get a drink, go to the loo etc but still manages to go back to sleep each time

AIBU to ask that on one or two days he gets up AND stays up so he can do some of the above tasks?

My other AIBU is - how do you stay in bed when you are wide awake?! I really need tips on this

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 31/01/2022 21:50

If he said to you you had to stay up late to do your chores, how would you feel?

Agree that you need to stop seeing early riser as better / more moral.

Octomore · 31/01/2022 21:51

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

So.....what would be the point of asking him to stay awake at 5am and do chores?
Punishment for being a night owl, it seems. And for wanting a wee during the night.
TheSpottedZebra · 31/01/2022 21:51

Get a timed feeder for the cats if they're waking you up.
But it sounds like you're always up then, ergo you've trained trained to expect food then.

ChirpyChirp · 31/01/2022 21:51

@ComtesseDeSpair

Wouldn’t a better compromise be that he does some of the tasks like the tidying and the “partner” versions of the morning tasks - last dog walk, load dishwasher, get cats in etc - before he goes to bed? Wouldn’t that create a more equal share of the load?
This is what happens in our house. I do the morning jobs (empty dishwasher, get DC up and sorted) and DH does the evening jobs (loads dishwasher, wash glasses etc). He is still up and about by 7.15am on a work day though, as from that point onwards it's helpful to have a other pair of hands on deck.
Shoxfordian · 31/01/2022 21:52

I wake up earlier than my dh but I just stay in bed and read

Change123today · 31/01/2022 21:53

I’m not a morning person (I wish I was at times!)
I can’t function - if someone asked me to get up my reboot would struggle and probably muck up the rest of the day.
My husband thankfully is like me (and both children though I wish they would go to sleep earlier!)

I understand that you want all these tasks done but if your husband is like me - I’d be a grump for the day and probably end up doing less helpful tasks later.

Stepdad is wide awake at 5/6am and like you just can’t go back to sleep - we no longer stay at my Mums as at 7 in the morning he will put radio on and be as loud as possible to wake the house so we don’t waste the day…my sisters & I are all the same we not morning people.

Octomore · 31/01/2022 21:57

Stepdad is wide awake at 5/6am and like you just can’t go back to sleep - we no longer stay at my Mums as at 7 in the morning he will put radio on and be as loud as possible to wake the house so we don’t waste the day…

What a dick!

Some people prefer to do stuff early, some late. Neither is a waste. If your hobby is astronomy, you might be able to say that early risers were "wasting the night" and missing the best star views.

I hate the perception that getting up early makes someone superior.

Original poster
recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:58

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

But there isn't a morning shift. You don't have toddlers to wrangle or school runs to do or running a farm or whatever.

How do you know? Morning shifts exist beyond the school run or irrespective of "having to run a farm"!

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 31/01/2022 21:58

But there isn’t a morning shift, just asks which need doing at some point in the day.

CatherinedeBourgh · 31/01/2022 21:59

So what is it that absolutely has to be done between 6 and 9 am?

Original poster
recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:59

@Octomore - agree that is dickish behaviour. I am as quiet as a mouse when up and never try to wake others up

OP posts:
ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 31/01/2022 21:59

How do you know? Morning shifts exist beyond the school run or irrespective of "having to run a farm"!

Well some of the jobs you have listed don’t need to be done before 9am…. It seems like it’s a self imposed ‘morning shift’.

Octomore · 31/01/2022 22:00

You are talking about tasks which don't need doing at 6am.

Ergo, it is not a 'morning shift'. It's just the time that you choose to do those tasks.

Original poster
recycledcat · 31/01/2022 22:00

@CatherinedeBourgh - feed that cats - they are very, very vocal!!

OP posts:
ImNotDancing · 31/01/2022 22:01

I swear to god I could be about to do a chore but the second someone demands I do it on their schedule I no longer want to do it.

None of that needs doing at 6am. It is not a ‘morning shift’ it is a martyr shift.

catfunk · 31/01/2022 22:01

Well no if he goes to bed at midnight and gets up at 5 he'll be knackered. But yanbu to expect him to do half the chores in his own time that suits him.

Somuddled · 31/01/2022 22:02

My husband and I are similar. I get up not later than 7 but go to bed early he stays up later and gets up later, other than feeding the hungry pets, it has never occurred to me to do other jobs in the morning. It is my time to have a very slow tea and look at the garden.

Octomore · 31/01/2022 22:02

[quote recycledcat]@CatherinedeBourgh - feed that cats - they are very, very vocal!![/quote]
Cat feed is the one thing that I would do first thing. The rest is all self imposed.

SparkleTwinkle101 · 31/01/2022 22:03

If it's the cats feeding causing the issue get an automatic feeder to go off. I really feel you're being unreasonable not your DH fault you can't stay in bed

buddylicious · 31/01/2022 22:04

I think you're being unreasonable.

Some of jobs don't have to be done by a certain time.

Alternatively he can do the dishwasher before he goes to bed!

Avocadoandlemons · 31/01/2022 22:04

@MadeForThis

Put your feet up and have a coffee. Leave some jobs for him at 9am.
This
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 31/01/2022 22:05

You're being ridiculous.

I do all the morning chores in this house as DH has an early start and a long commute. It doesn't bother me as he does the evening ones while I sit on the sofa.

If he does his fair share, you have absolutely no right to dictate to him when he gets out of bed Hmm

Ponoka7 · 31/01/2022 22:05

Whose idea was it to get cats and a dog? You could leave the cat litter and change the dogs routine so he can do those.

Octomore · 31/01/2022 22:05

6am seems to be your natural waking time. So you get up and cats will always miaow at the first person who gets up.

That's not your DH's fault. And he picks up his share at other times. Dragging him out of his sleep so that he can do chores (that he would otherwise do later on) at 6am would be just plain cruel.

LondonQueen · 31/01/2022 22:05

YABU to want your DH to get up that early, why not just leave the jobs for him to do when he gets up?

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