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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm an early riser - DH is not - AIBU to think this is a fair compromise?

206 replies

recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:22

Nine times out of ten I am up before 6am (just the way I'm wired I guess). I can't "go back to sleep" - believe me I have tried!

So normally I get up and deal with the usual morning stuff - feed cats, dog walk, cat litter, tidy, empty dishwasher, take (adult) DC to work/station if asked

This is not a problem - happy to do it - however DH is a total night owl. He goes to bed past midnight and will get up (eventually) at around 9am (he does work).

The issues I have is that he wakes multiple times from 5am onwards - to get a drink, go to the loo etc but still manages to go back to sleep each time

AIBU to ask that on one or two days he gets up AND stays up so he can do some of the above tasks?

My other AIBU is - how do you stay in bed when you are wide awake?! I really need tips on this

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 31/01/2022 22:06

YABU. Why should he get up at 5am just because you like doing it?

Returnoftheowl · 31/01/2022 22:06

Nope all of these jobs need to be fine first thing in the morning. Leave some jobs for him. Your post doesn't look like a compromise, more you getting him to do what you want.

SouthParkCovid · 31/01/2022 22:06

You're coming across as though you think you're the better person because you wake early.

I'd be fuming if my DH woke me at that time and expected me to stay up for the day!

We have a baby and even she doesn't wake til 7, 5 is too early to start the day.

However if he's not pulling his weight, tell him. Why you want him to clean that early in the morning i don't understand.

Coughee · 31/01/2022 22:07

But your op reads like you wake up naturally early, not that you're being woken up by the cats who are demanding to be fed? So you're choosing to get up early, right? Therefore you can't really claim you're having to do a 'morning shift' surely?

Original poster

recycledcat · 31/01/2022 22:08

@SparkleTwinkle101

I really feel you're being unreasonable not your DH fault you can't stay in bed

I agree to be honest but it is exhausting doing it 7 days a week - the cats are on special food so an auto feeder sadly doesn't work

Thanks all - I am probably overtired and frustrated at not being offered opportunity to see what it's like to have a "lie-in" but think that's DC (Dear Cats) problem and definitely not DH or DC!

OP posts:

NumberTheory · 31/01/2022 22:08

[quote recycledcat]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

But there isn't a morning shift. You don't have toddlers to wrangle or school runs to do or running a farm or whatever.

How do you know? Morning shifts exist beyond the school run or irrespective of "having to run a farm"![/quote]
We know there isn't a morning shift because you said that things didn't need doing first thing!

On the pet feeding front - if you don't want to be up early, using an automatic pet feeder can help train cats not to whinge at you for food. Personally I find it more of a faff to use a pet feeder and instead just trained our cat to expect to be fed later in the day and not first thing.

CatherinedeBourgh · 31/01/2022 22:08

If you ignore them they will soon learn that you won’t do it first thing and stop pestering you.

They may grumble initially but I have six cats and have managed to train them all to wait for dc to come feed them. If they complain, put them out!

Faevern · 31/01/2022 22:09

@recycledcat I am pretty adept at staying up past midnight - just don't want to be expected to do EVERY morning shift

You’re not expected to do it, you are choosing to because you are up. I am the same I wake up and can get loads done, it’s when I am at my best. On days off DP usually sleeps later than me. On work days he is up but ready and out the door.

Either do it because you want to or leave it for him to do but don’t resent him for it. I can’t lie in bed, I can’t get back to sleep, I can’t read a book, my mind is active once I wake, even if it’s 4am.

Octomore · 31/01/2022 22:10

DH and I are both owls. We had cats for years. The cats learned our getting up time and knew when to miaow for the greatest effect.

DishwashDogsDickens · 31/01/2022 22:10

There is a moral superiority in those who get up early
A supposed moral superiority

However / it’s not really superior work ethic or better morals to have insomnia and wake up early

It is certainly selfish to expect your DH to do so

My DH is like you
Can’t sleep so gets up and does a load of random chores
That don’t need doing
Like the dishwasher ( which the kids do for pocket money .., but with some moaning )

We come down and get told “ look and what I have been doing all morning … am I a hero?

Swear to god - it’s a cause for divorce

Sally872 · 31/01/2022 22:11

Yabu you struggle to lie in so why would you want dh to feed the cats? The other chores can be done whenever suits.

BurntO · 31/01/2022 22:12

YABU allowing room for him to do some of those tasks in his wake up time

Change123today · 31/01/2022 22:13

I would also second the automatic cat feeder!! They sit and wait all night for the thing to open. No more 4 am cat nagging!!

Rainbowshit · 31/01/2022 22:14

This has to be one of the most unreasonable posts I have ever read on mumsnet. You are off your rocker to suggest this is in any way an acceptable compromise.

We have cats and they don't need to be fed at the crack of dawn. Yours have just got used to your getting up time.

merrymouse · 31/01/2022 22:14

Surely there are evening jobs that he could be/ is doing if he stays up late?

Ineedsomeluck2022 · 31/01/2022 22:14

I'm a night owl and would hate to be asked/told to get up early to do these jobs! I am useless and grumpy in a morning but I will happily clean the bathroom, do life admin, pack bags for the next day etc at 11pm! It's just the way I am. I would speak to you DH about doing his share of the jobs but it doesn't have to be in the morning necessarily.

Icecreamandapplepie · 31/01/2022 22:16

I am your husband and envy you!!

If you're not tired, don't see what the problem is? Surely he should do the afternoon walk of dog etc, when he's more awake

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 31/01/2022 22:16

[quote recycledcat]@SparkleTwinkle101

I really feel you're being unreasonable not your DH fault you can't stay in bed

I agree to be honest but it is exhausting doing it 7 days a week - the cats are on special food so an auto feeder sadly doesn't work

Thanks all - I am probably overtired and frustrated at not being offered opportunity to see what it's like to have a "lie-in" but think that's DC (Dear Cats) problem and definitely not DH or DC![/quote]
But as you said you can’t get back to sleep when you wake, surely if he gets up early to do the chores you’d just be awake watching him?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 31/01/2022 22:17

I agree to be honest but it is exhausting doing it 7 days a week - the cats are on special food so an auto feeder sadly doesn't work

Eh? Why?

Just get chip operated feeders.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 31/01/2022 22:17

Feed the cats and then lounge on the sofa with a book and a blanket.

I presume your DH pulls his weight at other times?

Also, your adult DC should also be taking their turn emptying the dishwasher etc.

Do you work as well?

PriamFarrl · 31/01/2022 22:17

DH gets up earlier than me at the weekend.
He feeds the cat and spends the rest of the time doing yoga.
In the week I’m up earlier than him and feed the cat and then exercise.
I’d never expect him to get up to help me with jobs that can wait.

ShootForTheBars · 31/01/2022 22:17

I’m the same OP. Just always been a wake-up-get-up gal and DH wakes but goes back to sleep. I get myself a cup of tea, let dogs out, feed cats and go back to bed, pop on my sleephones (if you don’t have any I strongly recommend you explore these) and listen to podcasts/read and tend to semi-doze (at weekend!). I love that time!

Coughee · 31/01/2022 22:17

[quote recycledcat]@SparkleTwinkle101

I really feel you're being unreasonable not your DH fault you can't stay in bed

I agree to be honest but it is exhausting doing it 7 days a week - the cats are on special food so an auto feeder sadly doesn't work

Thanks all - I am probably overtired and frustrated at not being offered opportunity to see what it's like to have a "lie-in" but think that's DC (Dear Cats) problem and definitely not DH or DC![/quote]
But you said you can't lie in? Does your dh even know you want the 'opportunity' to try and lie in? Can't you just ask him to feed them when he gets up for his early morning drink or whatever. Then he can come back to bed, as you say he is able to fall back to sleep easily. Best compromise for everyone surely?

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 31/01/2022 22:19

I dont understand the problem OP. You have said this: "Nine times out of ten I am up before 6am (just the way I'm wired I guess). I can't "go back to sleep" - believe me I have tried!

So normally I get up and deal with the usual morning stuff - feed cats, dog walk, cat litter, tidy, empty dishwasher, take (adult) DC to work/station if asked

This is not a problem - happy to do it -" So why do you need your DH to get up early?

Original poster

recycledcat · 31/01/2022 22:19

This has to be one of the most unreasonable posts I have ever read on mumsnet. You are off your rocker to suggest this is in any way an acceptable compromise.

@Rainbowshit

Fair enough that's you opinion - I accepted (about two pages up) that I was being unreasonable but "one of the most unreasonable posts"? Get real!

Thank you all - will dip out now as realise IWBU and also have to go to bed! Thank you all

OP posts:

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