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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm an early riser - DH is not - AIBU to think this is a fair compromise?

206 replies

recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:22

Nine times out of ten I am up before 6am (just the way I'm wired I guess). I can't "go back to sleep" - believe me I have tried!

So normally I get up and deal with the usual morning stuff - feed cats, dog walk, cat litter, tidy, empty dishwasher, take (adult) DC to work/station if asked

This is not a problem - happy to do it - however DH is a total night owl. He goes to bed past midnight and will get up (eventually) at around 9am (he does work).

The issues I have is that he wakes multiple times from 5am onwards - to get a drink, go to the loo etc but still manages to go back to sleep each time

AIBU to ask that on one or two days he gets up AND stays up so he can do some of the above tasks?

My other AIBU is - how do you stay in bed when you are wide awake?! I really need tips on this

OP posts:
Phrenologistsfinger · 31/01/2022 22:45

Put it this way, why can’t you stay up until 1am and do all those morning tasks then? Too tired to function at 1:30am? Well so will DP be at 6am. Morning folk just never get it…

Sally872 · 31/01/2022 22:45

Get the DC to feed cats when up for work and then make own way to station.

LouLou789 · 31/01/2022 22:46

I’m an early bird too. Would love to be able to sleep longer but about once a month I have an epic sleep until 8am and the rest of the time I’m up at 6. If I had my own bedroom I would happily go back with a cup of tea/book/music but would disturb him.
The main change for you to make is to decide which chores can wait (deffo dishwasher and sometimes dog walk if they’ve been out for a wee first thing) So feed the animals and have some chill time for yourself. I really enjoy a bit of time to myself in the morning but wouldn’t be doing all the chores!

Bellie710 · 31/01/2022 22:49

I find it bizarre that you say you naturally get up early (just the way you are wired) then moan that you are tired and wish you didn't always have to get up early?? if anything you have trained the cats to expect food early.

Clymene · 31/01/2022 22:53

I'm guessing the OP doesn't want to wake up early but can't get back to sleep. So she's pissed off that her husband can do that.

I'd take a sleeping pill frankly

NataliaSerene · 31/01/2022 22:53

YANBU

And I don't remember writing this post but I could have!

We do take turns, but mostly it's me in the morning. DH does way more around the house than me overall though, so I can't complain.

Anyone saying you can wait to the feed the cats, or let the dog out later has definitely never met my animals.

Doublechocolatetiffin · 31/01/2022 22:54

I've been reading a book called Why We Sleep, you should have a read of it, it's very interesting. They have studied people's natural circadian rhythm and there are basically two types of people. People that are wired to wake early and go to sleep early and others who are late risers and stay up late. That is just how their innate body clock works, the hormones that govern the sleep cycle are released at different times of day some earler and some later. You can't change it, it's who you are. The author makes the point that society is geared up for the early risers, with late rises being deemed lazy, when it's not actually their fault. Evolutionarily it makes sense to have had a mix of sleeping patterns so as to be able to minimise the amount of time everyone is asleep at the same time.

Anyway sorry that was a bit of a digression from your post, but I think an important biological fact for you to know when feeling disgruntled at your DH. I doubt he is any more likely to change as you are to be able to get back to sleep once woken. It's just who you are. Its been eye opening for me and hopefully it'll help you think of some other ways to share the load bar waking your DH up early.

TheLeadbetterLife · 31/01/2022 22:55

Change the time when you feed the cats, they get used to it after a week or two. Ours our fed at around 8am and 4pm, and they start yowling like clockwork about half an hour beforehand. We used to feed them at 9am and 5pm, but it didn’t take long to retrain them.

Xmasbaby11 · 31/01/2022 22:55

Yabu

Almost laughing at the idea that because someone wakes up for the loo, they have to get up for the day! I am a night owl and if I could would definitely follow your dh routine.

My dh gets up later than me which means I do more of the urgent morning jobs. He does then do more in the evening so it balances out. I would be annoyed otherwise.

However you should definitely find a way to leave him some jobs to do. It's quite annoying if the morning is the busy time and you have to face it alone.

Hugasauras · 31/01/2022 22:58

No way would I be getting up at 5am unless absolutely necessary! If he's a night owl, just have him do some of the jobs when he's finished work, surely? Definitely not reasonable to expect someone to get up at 5am just cos you get up early!

FairyLightQueen · 31/01/2022 23:03

DP and I are like this, I do the morning jobs and she does the evening ones. Evens out similar and everyone is happy.

Eg I feed animals, do dog walk, load laundry, empty dishwasher in AM. DP feeds animals, does dog walk, hangs up laundry and loads dishwasher in PM.

Chocaholic9 · 31/01/2022 23:04

You're being very unreasonable. You're asking him to get up 4 hours early.

Since you get up at 6am, the equivalent for you would be having a partner who insists you wake up at 2am after a few hours sleep to do jobs around the house. Do you think that's a reasonable compromise?

Chocaholic9 · 31/01/2022 23:06

Also please bear in mind that around 20% of the population are either definite night owls or early risers, meaning they can't change their tendency to get up early or late. It's genetic.

Bakewelltart987 · 31/01/2022 23:08

All off that can wait till 9 am sure the pets won't starve being fed a little later. If your up and choose todo everything straight away then that's on you.

fibrecruncher · 31/01/2022 23:09

Sorry yabu. Have a cuppa, read a book and just leave him some tasks.

Marvellousmadness · 31/01/2022 23:11

He doesn't have to wake up earlier to do tasks.
He can do them at NIGHT when he is awake.
You dont need to do all the shit you do in the morning. Go and read a book or something and stop complaining about things you are doing as you voluntarily do them Confused

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/01/2022 23:11

[quote recycledcat]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

But there isn't a morning shift. You don't have toddlers to wrangle or school runs to do or running a farm or whatever.

How do you know? Morning shifts exist beyond the school run or irrespective of "having to run a farm"![/quote]
So what is your morning shift then? Because so far all you've said you do in the morning is stuff that can be done any time.

katepilar · 31/01/2022 23:14

why do you want him to do stuff when he 's not done with his sleep? Its a very different thing to have to go the loo or get a drink while trying not to wake up too much to be able to go to sleep and get up and do stuff before you want to be up.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/01/2022 23:14

You were very explicit in saying that you absoloutley cannot lie in, have tried, it can't be done

In the next breath you are saying the early starts are exhausting and you want the opportunity for a lie in.

If you need more sleep and you absolutely cannot lie in then go to bed earlier.

RedSoloCup · 31/01/2022 23:15

Yanbu

This is me and DH except I'm the night owl and although it pains me I get up and help at least 5 days a week! I wouldn't dream of not doing.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/01/2022 23:17

@RedSoloCup

Yanbu

This is me and DH except I'm the night owl and although it pains me I get up and help at least 5 days a week! I wouldn't dream of not doing.

What do you help him with?
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 31/01/2022 23:25

OP I come from a family of night owls. I can assure you that cats can easily come to be quite happy with being fed at a schedule which suits a night out. When I was a child we fed ours in the afternoon. I'm sure you can easily change the feeding time till 9 am. Other than that, is there any job which really has to happen so early in the morning? If so I guess you can talk to your DP about how you want to manage those things between you but please don't try and make him do jobs which can happen at any time of the day early just because it's not that early for you.

Fromthebirdsnest · 31/01/2022 23:29

Leave tidying and dishwasher for him, get adults to take themselves to work , don't dictate to an adult when they can get up when it's not affecting his work ... yes he should do jobs but it doesn't have to be exactly when you tell him to ..

FireMeetGasoline · 31/01/2022 23:31

I think YABU to ask him to get up to complete those chores when he has had limited sleep, however, I don't think YABU unreasonable to ask him to maybe do some chores later in the day.

We all have different body clocks, and I'm certainly more akin to your DH's. I work nights because that actually works for me. I would hate to be asked to do chores at 7am, after just going to bed at 2, purely because I'd just got up to go to the toilet/have a wee. I'd be happy to do them at 9pm though.

I think your schedule is more healthy and I'd love it. I see 4am more than I do 4pm, even before I worked nights Grin

lborgia · 31/01/2022 23:31

I see what OP is saying, but she's going about it the wrong way. 2 options as I see it-

1 - warn DH there are going to be a couple of difficult weeks, and start ignoring the cats until 7am. When you wake up, make yourself stay in bed, radio, mn, newspaper, whatever. Even something productive such as going through the current thread of ideas on here for making life easier/ cheaper and look at a few of the apps etc.

2 - work on changing how you see your mornings. These are a GIFT. We are different in that I automatically relished the early morning, different light, smell etc if you go for a walk, have a cuppa with the back door open. Potter with cat feeding... Because for the last 10 years I've had a condition that means I'm exhausted all the time, and have trouble getting up - it's awful!

Also, please make sure that you are both keeping your sleep hours very even. There is more and more evidence that this is one of the most important issues in terms of long term health - sticking to a regular sleep pattern both going to sleep and waking up.

Sounds to me as if you have a great system, don't ruin it, for either of you.

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