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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm an early riser - DH is not - AIBU to think this is a fair compromise?

206 replies

recycledcat · 31/01/2022 21:22

Nine times out of ten I am up before 6am (just the way I'm wired I guess). I can't "go back to sleep" - believe me I have tried!

So normally I get up and deal with the usual morning stuff - feed cats, dog walk, cat litter, tidy, empty dishwasher, take (adult) DC to work/station if asked

This is not a problem - happy to do it - however DH is a total night owl. He goes to bed past midnight and will get up (eventually) at around 9am (he does work).

The issues I have is that he wakes multiple times from 5am onwards - to get a drink, go to the loo etc but still manages to go back to sleep each time

AIBU to ask that on one or two days he gets up AND stays up so he can do some of the above tasks?

My other AIBU is - how do you stay in bed when you are wide awake?! I really need tips on this

OP posts:
Lou98 · 31/01/2022 22:20

[quote recycledcat]@SparkleTwinkle101

I really feel you're being unreasonable not your DH fault you can't stay in bed

I agree to be honest but it is exhausting doing it 7 days a week - the cats are on special food so an auto feeder sadly doesn't work

Thanks all - I am probably overtired and frustrated at not being offered opportunity to see what it's like to have a "lie-in" but think that's DC (Dear Cats) problem and definitely not DH or DC![/quote]

In fairness though, your cats most likely are in the routine of being fed at that time in the morning because that's when you feed them.

I think it's massively U telling your Husband he needs to be out of bed because you want tasks done at a certain time. If you're up anyway you can feed the cats but leave the dishwasher etc until he's up, there's not a time limit on it. I wouldn't be impressed if my DP woke me up to do housework that could be done at 9

rookiemere · 31/01/2022 22:20

Who wanted the cats ?

If he was desperate for feline company and begged you to get them, then maybe - and even then just maybe - you have a small point. If not then you're attempting to be very controlling.

I generally go to the loo around 5.If DH suggested I'd like to get up then twice a week for no particular reason other than demanding cats on a time schedule of your choosing, I'd be suggesting divorce to him.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/01/2022 22:21

Adult dc uou and dh can all take turns unloading dw. Admit I hate doing this but hate washing up more 😂

Bet if dh got up earlier he would go to bed earlier

BlueBlueCowWondering · 31/01/2022 22:21

You say you're happy getting up early
But you also say in your latest post that it's exhausting
I don't think you have a dh problem. Maybe you need to rethink your mornings.

Wotagain · 31/01/2022 22:22

I hate the perception that getting up early makes someone superior
This, I completely agree!

lisaandalan · 31/01/2022 22:24

If you are up anyway, you might as well do some jobs, feed cats, walk the dog ect poor things can wait but leave the dishwasher ect until he gets up or ask him to do it before he goes to bed. X

Octomore · 31/01/2022 22:24

Think about it logically, if you were both owls, the jobs would all still get done, just later in the day. It is not your DH's fault that you get up early and feel obliged to do a list of chores before breakfast. So why punish him?

Faevern · 31/01/2022 22:24

@DishwashDogsDickens no moral superiority here. I just can’t sleep, I have insomnia, I sometimes do chores at weird hours, without moaning about it. I would love to sleep better but whether I do or not I’ve always been a person who works better in the morning and fell asleep in nightclubs.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 31/01/2022 22:25

Yabu I’m also a early riser though not as early as you op and dh is a night owl . I’d just let him do said jobs when he wakes why does it need to be as early? .

Christmissy · 31/01/2022 22:26

YABU

Octomore · 31/01/2022 22:27

It's very good you have accepted that YWBU anyway.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 31/01/2022 22:27

You sound like my DH. He describes himself as a "precrastinator" - he has to complete tasks immediately, even actually there's good reasons to leave them till later (like me doing them instead!)

He having CBT at the moment, and this is one of the things he's trying to tackle, because it causes him some resentment, even though he acknowledges that it's not actually my fault, nor is it the case that I pull my weight around the house, because I absolutely do, but on my schedule not his!

(He can't lie in either. Once he's awake, he's up!)

hangrylady · 31/01/2022 22:27

YABU. I might be biased as I'm like your DH and can wake up and go straight back to sleep easily, but for me anything before 7am feels like the middle of the night. Fair enough to leave some jobs for him but unreasonable to expect him to get up at that ungodly hour!

OnTheBoardwalk · 31/01/2022 22:29

YABU to expect him to force himself to stay awake to do your chores list at 5am but you are YANBU to expect him to do his share

Couple of weeks ago my ex (he was always a better friend then partner) and I did a shared interest together. He stayed in spare bedroom sleeping till the afternoon I then went for nap in the afternoon. He let himself out

The difference in sleeping patterns used to wind me up big time when we were together he prob felt the same

Different people just need sleep times

NumberTheory · 31/01/2022 22:30

[quote recycledcat]@SparkleTwinkle101

I really feel you're being unreasonable not your DH fault you can't stay in bed

I agree to be honest but it is exhausting doing it 7 days a week - the cats are on special food so an auto feeder sadly doesn't work

Thanks all - I am probably overtired and frustrated at not being offered opportunity to see what it's like to have a "lie-in" but think that's DC (Dear Cats) problem and definitely not DH or DC![/quote]
There are a bunch of different systems for auto feeding and keeping food separate for pets so if you give details of feeding needs someone might be able to come up with a solution (probably get better suggestions on a more specialist forum, though).

Alternatively, cats can be trained to expect food at a different time. Ours used to wake us up, so we moved feeding times from morning and evening to lunch time and midnight. It took a few weeks of whinging but it's been very effective.

But is this the problem? If the cat didn't wake you, would you be able to sleep in? Or do you need more fundamental change to meet your sleep needs?

madisonbridges · 31/01/2022 22:30

As a night owl, I can say you are very very very unreasonable. The best bits of sleep are the waking up, seeing you don't have to be up yet and snuggling back down again.

Spectre8 · 31/01/2022 22:31

You've totally contradicted yourself OP, not that your coming back.

On one hand you say your a natural rise at 6am and then you say you want a lie-in.

What!? All of this is a choice. You choose to do all those things in the morning.

Plenty of other things you can do, like read a book, go for a walk/cycling, meditate etc.

Mrsjayy · 31/01/2022 22:32

What time do you want him to get up ? Can't you leave some of the things for him to do.

Kite22 · 31/01/2022 22:33

YABVVVU

Why is him getting his allotted sleep in the morning looked down on, while you getting yours earlier in the night not?

This ^
People who like to get up before dawn has even cracked seem to think there is some moral superiority about it. There isn't.

I can't see that any of the list of jobs needs to be done before 9am - I'll take your word for it that the cats have been brought up to be such princesses they can neither gradually have their feed time moved later, nor use an automatic timed dispenser - but that isn't an issue as you said you can't sleep past 6am anyway.

Trying to make him get up before he has had enough sleep is selfish and benefits no-one.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2022 22:36

I'm the night owl, DH is the lark. We're retired, so no DC 'responsibilities'.

He takes the dog out and feeds him and our 'barn cat' when he gets up at 0-dark-30 am. He may throw in a load of laundry if there's one laying about. But above all, he tries to be quiet so as not to wake me.

As the 'night owl', I unload the dishwasher, hand wash any cups in the sink, set up the coffee & do a bit of tidying. But above all, I try to be quiet so he can get to sleep.

Neither of us has ever suggested that the other should get up early/go to bed later in order to 'even things up'.

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/01/2022 22:38

I suspect he is staying at his exs and is keeping their DC away so they don't blab, as children tend to do.

Something is way off in all of this. Or there were safeguarding concerns about you SS would be involved with you and your DC.

Your husband is a liar OP.

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/01/2022 22:38

*if there

dina77 · 31/01/2022 22:39

This reply has been deleted

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ufucoffee · 31/01/2022 22:42

I waste time in bed by mindless scrolling on my phone. Mumsnet, TikTok, papers, wordle etc. It takes a few hours.

Puffalicious · 31/01/2022 22:44

@Stompythedinosaur

YABU. No problem expecting him to do a share of the jobs, but very unreasonable to try and dictate when he does them.

How would you feel if he insisted you stayed up a few nights a week to do jobs around midnight?

It sounds a but like you think getting up early is somehow a moral victory.

Yup, I can't stand this moral high ground of being up early. I'm a night owl, prefer to sleep later when I can. The whole getting up 'eventually ' smacks heavily of disapproval.

I can fall back to sleep/ lie in bed reading/ scrolling and then sleep some more. It doesn't mean I'm morally inferior. Try and drag me out of bed at 5am and I'd let you know exactly how unreasonable you were. You sound as if you like to control things and look down on people not like you.

Divvy up tasks to suit you BOTH.