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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

345 replies

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:36

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

OP posts:

T00Ts · 31/01/2022 20:40

It’s your decision ultimately and if you think you’ve already made up your mind and it would just hurt him to know, I’d be tempted to not say anything. But know that’s a fairly huge secret for a relationship, even a LDR, and you may feel differently about it in the future.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 31/01/2022 20:43

It's 50% his baby, termination or not, he deserves to know he/she exists/existed.

RedRobyn2021 · 31/01/2022 20:44

I think I would have to tell him if I were you, it's too big not to

But ultimately whether you keep the child or not is up to you

It's hard

emsmar · 31/01/2022 20:45

@AlmostAJillSandwich

It's 50% his baby, termination or not, he deserves to know he/she exists/existed.

It's her body. He doesn't need to know.

Mo1911 · 31/01/2022 20:47

His baby too. I think he deserves to know I'm afraid.

ilovemyboys3 · 31/01/2022 20:47

Ultimately it's your decision. I believe if I knew deep down I couldn't have another baby, give this baby what they need and definitely was against this, I wouldn't tell my other half. Why cause them pain if there's no chance your wanting to keep it

freecuthbert · 31/01/2022 20:49

I think it's ultimately up to you, it is your body so you can make whatever choice you want and don't have to tell him. But at the same time, if he was so kind and so supportive why are you scared of telling him? It sounds like you know deep down he wouldn't be supportive of you having an abortion and would upset him because of his Catholic values, which would be so fucking hypocritical of him by the way as he's basically allowed to shag outside marriage as that benefits him but abortion is a sin? Why else did you mention his Catholicism if this is not the case?

Darbs76 · 31/01/2022 20:50

There’s a time I’d have said he deserves to know, but I’m going to say it’s your body and your decision. It might be best all round that he isn’t aware

DrSbaitso · 31/01/2022 20:50

If your mind is made up, and it is your decision, then personally I'd keep quiet about it. He's happy and there would be nothing for anyone to gain from him knowing.

Original poster

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:51

Mixed responses so far which reflect how I’m feeling. I already have 2 dc with SEN, and there’s a high chance any other children would have too. I don’t want to hurt him and I feel like I could carry the mental burden of this alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:53

I mentioned he’s a catholic because I don’t really know what his views on abortion are. I’m not a catholic but I went to a convent school and they are pretty good at guilt tripping you over these kinds of things. I think that kind of stuff stays with you and he probably would feel shitty about his child being aborted because of his faith, but I am only guessing on that.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2022 20:54

This is currently a medical issue. He has no right to know anything.

GettingItOutThere · 31/01/2022 20:54

I would also not have this baby now, such a massive gap between your kids and you would be flying partially solo for most of the time with a baby.

How far along are you? I would not tell him and have an abortion if i was early enough. sorry

HabitsDieHard · 31/01/2022 20:54

this is entirely up to you. My only question is, would you be able to keep the secret and never ever tell him. Because to have a termination and tell him in a years time would be awful.

meloonhead · 31/01/2022 20:54

If you decide to terminate, there's really no use telling him. You said he's Catholic so I assume he'd be leaning towards keep. You only need to tell if his opinion holds weight, otherwise it's just going to be hurtful. You know best - if he'll be accepting and supportive, yes. If upset, no.

MrsDThomas · 31/01/2022 20:56

If i weren’t keeping it, id not say anything. Your choice, YOUR body

Original poster

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:56

It’s early, 5 weeks at a guess?

OP posts:

Original poster

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:57

@meloonhead I think he’d be supportive and understand but also probably upset, he’s a sensitive soul.

OP posts:

TooWicked · 31/01/2022 21:01

The whole "he's a Catholic" thing is a red herring. He's quite happy to have sex outside of marriage so obviously his faith and its rules and values aren't that important to him.

I wouldn't tell him.

Queenoftheashes · 31/01/2022 21:01

I personally would tell my partner if I wanted the relationship to continue as I would feel guilty about keeping a secret from him. If I was able to forget about it and move on I probably wouldn’t. It’s probably not going to benefit him to know. Would be nice to have his support through the process though.

freecuthbert · 31/01/2022 21:02

OP I think my point is basically, I don't understand why a woman would be in a relationship with a man who would be so hurt by her having an abortion that she needs to carry the burden herself without the support of her partner, while also praising him for being so amazing.

I went to Catholic school myself from 3 until 16, and yet I ultimately have no qualms about abortion. It's not an excuse and I don't understand why men have to make abortion about themselves all the bloody time.

However I am surprised this has never come up in 18 months, especially as you were having sex. Pregnancy was always a possibility so I'd expect a sexually active couple (especially long term) would have had these discussions.

You don't need to tell him though, it is absolutely your body. I just think if you have to hide this from a partner to spare him, then he's not that supportive is he?

Odoreida · 31/01/2022 21:06

I would have the termination and then tell him.

Amoozbooze · 31/01/2022 21:07

I wouldn't tell him. You said you aren't in a good place for it and it won't fit into your existing life easily.

If you decide to keep it you might well be alone a lot of the time during pregnancy and possibly after the baby is born. He might choose to move in with you to be closer to you, do you have space? Would that make you and him happy? Presumably that would mean he quit his job or could he relocate?

If you tell him and don't keep it, it may change the relationship irreparably. It's your body and your decision, he does not need to know unless you want him too.

WonderfulYou · 31/01/2022 21:09

I firstly would take a few days to make sure you’ve made the right decision.

I agree with you that what’s the point of causing him any worry/stress when he needs to never know. He may also want something different to you which could cause the relationship to break down.

However some people can of course feel sad after a termination and if you don’t tell him you’ll not be able to have his support.

Original poster

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 21:09

I 💯 know he would be supportive but I just wonder what the advantage of him knowing would be. It would be the closest he’s ever come to having a child, I love him and would choose to protect him from any emotional torment rather than put him through it unnecessarily.

OP posts:

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