Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

345 replies

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:36

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

OP posts:
Thewoolmill · 01/02/2022 10:06

I think if you’re not going ahead then I wouldn’t tell him. We have two DC with Sen and one won’t ever live independently so we didn’t have anymore after our youngest was born because we couldn’t risk another child with Sen and the children we had needed us. You never know how someone might react at the news of a pregnancy. He might be happy to let you make the decision and support you, he might decide he wants the child. He might feel differently after the termination that actually he wanted a child.

Warblerinwinter · 01/02/2022 10:12

@AlmostAJillSandwich

It's 50% his baby, termination or not, he deserves to know he/she exists/existed.
Right now it’s not a baby, it’s an embryo. It’s not a viable life until it’s born and takes first breath. His contribution to that baby is a single cell (gamete) and then his possible future parenting role as a father. Her contribution is all the nutrients that will come form her own body to grow to a full term baby, So no, it’s not “50%” his.
onemoreorange · 01/02/2022 10:12

@tanktopsruleok

I'm a complete supporter of your body your choice and I'm passionately pro choice. However, I also believe in open-ness and trust in a relationship and would like to know if my partner was having a significant medical situation to deal with. Especially if that may impact my partner's emotional well-being afterwards.

I would be very shocked and upset to find out my partner couldn't confide in me about something as important as this and I would immediately question that relationship.

An abortion is a medical procedure not without risk either.

Have you both decided you don't want children together? You need to tell him.

100% this. If he was just a casual boyfriend I wouldn't tell him. But if you are in serious relationship and you love him, he deserves to know.
rhowton · 01/02/2022 10:12

Please don't tell him if there is a chance that he will try to change your mind on a termination.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 10:17

100% this.
If he was just a casual boyfriend I wouldn't tell him. But if you are in serious relationship and you love him, he deserves to know.

I don't even think OP has to tell him if she doesn't want to. It's totally up to her and I can't really see the benefit in some ways.

But if she does tell him, I think it should be after she has had the termination. It is non-negotiable- whether or not he is supportive, if he even expresses any hesitation or sadness at all that is not what OP needs right now. She doesn't need to have to deal with his emotions on top of her own.

Her priority needs to be taking care of herself and her two children and making the right decision for her and her family.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 10:33

I think if I was going to tell him I’d have to tell him before the abortion, to hopefully have some support from him. It seems a bit cruel and pointless to tell him afterwards. Or I’ll just not tell him at all. Still very 50/50.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 01/02/2022 10:34

In this case I would tell him.

I'd be prepared for discussion but there'd have to be a lot of compromises if you did have the baby (you both moving in together, him helping with childcare etc) to make this work and I'm not sure if he's ready for this (you never know though). Or you terminate.

diddl · 01/02/2022 10:37

If you have decided for a termination & he might try to dissuade you then I wouldn't tell him.

I think people can get pulled along by emotions & he might promise x,y,z & not follow through for example.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 10:39

OP do you feel you need support from him? Can you do this on your own or do you need some support? Have you got a close friend who would be able to support you?

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 10:42

@Gonnagetgoing yes there would have to be a lot of compromises as there’s no way I’d want to carry on without him being around, and I don’t know how feasibly that would be possible with his life the way it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 10:43

@BellatrixOnABadDay I have told one close friend so I have her for support.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/02/2022 10:44

@buddylicious

If you need his support whilst going through thjs then tell him. If not then don't!
If he's a practising Catholic she may not get it.

Honestly OP - I'd keep quiet.

The chances are it could cause a whole world of hurt if he wants to keep it and the bottom line is, it's your 'problem' and always will be. Him knowing may make it all worse.

Good luck Flowers

Brainwave89 · 01/02/2022 10:46

I had an abortion earlier on in life. It was well thought through and I took an informed decision. It was very early days in a relationship and I chose not to tell him. My logic was, that this was my decision and having anyone else involved would complicate my thinking. I have not regretted my approach. If his family is catholic, and he shares the news with family there may be considerable pressure.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 10:47

@TellOrNot1981 good, I'm glad you have some RL support.

I personally think you need to put yourself and your DC first, your mental and physical health is what matters now. From what you have posted about your situation, it sounds like a baby would make your life incredibly, incredibly hard. You're working so hard for your children and deserve the chance to have a break when you get it. And another baby would never allow for that. Huge, huge age gaps as well. A termination is always the right choice is that is what a woman wants to do- and for whatever reason.

I wouldn't tell him if I were you. I would go ahead with the termination, and have the support of my friend if needed. You need to take care of yourself and not be concerned by his feelings about it.

Thatsplentyjack · 01/02/2022 10:47

I can't really see why you would tell him. If you are definitely having a termination, then there really is no point. It may devastate him, but then maybe not. In your situation I wouldn't tell him.

irishfarmer · 01/02/2022 10:50

I would have to tell him. I am in 100% agreement that it is your body your choice, it's not too long ago in Ireland we had a referendum in Ireland to legalise abortion which I voted in favour of. I still call myself Catholic, but clearly I'm not a very good one! So that might not be an issue at all.

I disagree with people saying it is not 50% his, it is. The baby wouldn't be there without his input. I don't want to derail the conversation but if a woman was saying she wanted to keep the baby, but the father didn't want it, everyone would be telling her, well it is 50% his so he has to step up like it or not.

So the baby/ embryo/ foetus what ever you would like to say is his. While he does not get to decide what happens, I do think he still at least has the right to know.

LittleGwyneth · 01/02/2022 10:54

Telling him or not is entirely your choice, no right, no wrong. I have a friend who slept with a very catholic guy* and got pregnant, she didn't tell him and I've always thought that was very noble of her.

*I realise premarital sex isn't very Catholic but such is life.

heldinadream · 01/02/2022 10:56

So I am totally in favour of you making the decision that's right for you. But what bothers me is this; if you two stay together and you carry this secret round with you for years and years how are you gonna feel? Because if that's going to be long-term grumbling away hard and telling him is gonna be short-term fire and ice hard you might decide that the short-term hard is actually the wiser option.
Really difficult decision OP. Wishing you well and strength and chucking you a virtual hand-hold too. Flowers

BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 10:57
  • I don't want to derail the conversation but if a woman was saying she wanted to keep the baby, but the father didn't want it, everyone would be telling her, well it is 50% his so he has to step up like it or not.

*Totally different- men are presumably aware of the differences in biology? If they aren't comfortable of women having complete control and autonomy of what to do with her body, whether that's keeping a baby (and in which case the man is also responsible) or a termination, then they shouldn't have sex.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 10:59

Bold fail 🤦‍♀️

VikingOnTheFridge · 01/02/2022 11:02

@Thatsplentyjack

I can't really see why you would tell him. If you are definitely having a termination, then there really is no point. It may devastate him, but then maybe not. In your situation I wouldn't tell him.
Same, I think the kindest thing is not to tell him.
GabriellaMontez · 01/02/2022 11:03

Its a big secret to keep from him. It would be awful telling him in the future. If you see yourself with him for a long time.

Don't you think he'd want to support you in your decision? I don't like the idea of lying to a partner to 'protect' them. I wouldn't want it done to me. It's dishonest.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 11:18

It’s tough because I don’t know how I’ll feel afterwards. I had an abortion years ago but that was with a nasty, abusive arsehole so I felt relieved afterwards. And I’m sure 90% of me will feel relieved afterwards here too, but it’s difficult because he’s actually lovely and I adore him, and if my situation was different then it would be great to go ahead. But however he might feel about it my situation is what it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 11:18

I mean in terms of how I would feel about keeping it a secret long term.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 01/02/2022 11:37

It sounds like you live quite independently. Maybe you want to continue this and it suits you both. Which is fine. It could be a test of your relationship. Maybe you don't want this.

I wouldn't want to keep this secret from someone I was about to embark on a long relationship with. It's not his 'right' to know. I just think secrets like this generally aren't good. Very difficult.