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Original poster

Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

345 replies

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:36

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

OP posts:
BurntO · 31/01/2022 22:07

If you terminate, I wouldn’t tell him..I’d also probably break up with him. His culture doesn’t line up with this….but you know better than us if his personal views aline and how you might work through it

Bettysnow · 31/01/2022 22:09

It sounds like you have great relationship and because it is so good i would be inclined not to lie.
I would sit him down and tell him then you can both discuss how best to proceed although ultimately the decision is yours. I don't think its a good idea to lie to him. You will certainly need support whatever decision you make. Good luck op Flowers

tkwal · 31/01/2022 22:18

If you're only 5 weeks then think about it for a few more days. Then I would advise letting him know about the pregnancy and your thoughts and feelings about it. It's better to let him know because hormones can make you emotionally fragile after termination or miscarriage so he will understand that. Its courtesy to let him know and secrets like that have a way of coming out at the worst possible time. If your relationship is going to last its best to be open and honest with him. (I am not suggesting in any way that you should be asking permission, whatever your decision)

sanbeiji · 31/01/2022 22:18

Sorry the main consideration here aren’t your feelings, or his.
It’s the most vulnerable living party. Your children.
You chose to have them, so you must do what’s best for them.
If you think your BF will pressure you to keep the child don’t tell him.
If he’ll be supportive either way then tell him along with your decision.

T00Ts · 31/01/2022 22:19

@worriedmummyofboys

Thanks for ignoring me and not acknowledging my first comment
Eh? It’s not about you, mate.
Phrowzunn · 31/01/2022 22:22

OP, is there any part of you that is worried that if you tell him he will start considering what it would be like to have children and decide that he does want them after all and leave you to pursue that with someone who wants it? Just wondering if it’s purely that you want to protect his feelings or if there’s a little bit of trying to protect yourself too (which I wouldn’t blame you for, just curious!).

Devo1818 · 31/01/2022 22:23

It's good you are so early on, the earlier the better. I think just get it booked in for now and decide whether to tell him when you have the date, or once its done, or not at all. Good luck!

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 22:33

@Phrowzunn I think there is maybe a part of that, or at least a part of me that worries that one day he will decide he really does want kids and then I’m too old. And here’s me pregnant now but assuming that he doesn’t want a child based on conversations we’ve had, and making that decision for him. If that makes any sense at all.

He’s never had a girlfriend before, because he’s so shy, and because of his work patterns. So I’m his first love, and I think that’s pretty intense for him. Having said that he’s the most laid back, chilled person I’ve ever met, I’ve never seen him anything even approaching angry about anything, ever. I know he’d be really supportive but he finds it really difficult when I’m going through tough times because he’s one of life’s helpers, he just wants to make things better but there’s not much can be done to make this better and he’ll probably just feel really shit and helpless.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 22:35

@sanbeiji without question the best thing for my existing children would be to not bring a baby into the mix. I’m not sure my eldest will ever live independently.

OP posts:
ABCDEF1234 · 31/01/2022 22:38

I cannot believe the amount of people saying to not tell him. The day you had a termination without telling him would be the start of the end of your relationship. I cannot believe anyone would be able to continue a relationship long term with such a secret between you

dina77 · 31/01/2022 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BottleOfSun · 31/01/2022 22:46

If I wanted to continue the relationship I’d tell him.

Phrowzunn · 31/01/2022 22:47

I get it OP, it’s so hard, I really feel for you. He sounds lovely and like my DH (who coincidentally is Irish Catholic also). I think if there’s even a chance you will end up telling him at some point you’d be best to tell him beforehand. You’re not doing anything wrong by terminating the pregnancy (even if he said he wanted you to keep it) but I think keeping it from him would feel like a betrayal and has more potential to damage your relationship than dealing with the termination together. Good luck whatever you decide.

ForeverSingle881 · 31/01/2022 22:52

It's really not a "massive" secret. It's a quick medical procedure. Over and done quickly and then move on. A pregnancy is not what you want. It would not be good for your other children. You know you want an abortion. It really isn't some dark secret cloud hanging over you. If this relationship is your only respite from a life of responsibility and you don't feel like telling him about your minor medical procedure, then don't. Your body, your choice. End of.

Tellthemagain · 31/01/2022 22:52

the Catholic family I married into are hypocritical and clearly have sex outside of marriage, but have literally been in tears screaming at us about the horrors of abortion .. so I wouldn't risk telling him.

GreenEyeOfTheLittleYellowGod · 31/01/2022 22:52

It's your private medical information. No need to discuss it with him, it's not like you live together where you might need to tell him for practical reasons. If you do tell him, do it after.

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 31/01/2022 22:56

Your body your choice. You don’t have to tell him.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 23:05

@ForeverSingle881thanks, I think this is how I need to frame it and keep it framed like that.

Thank you everyone for the responses, I’m feeling shattered so going to sleep on it now and see how I’m feeling in the morning.

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 31/01/2022 23:10

@ForeverSingle881

It's really not a "massive" secret. It's a quick medical procedure. Over and done quickly and then move on. A pregnancy is not what you want. It would not be good for your other children. You know you want an abortion. It really isn't some dark secret cloud hanging over you. If this relationship is your only respite from a life of responsibility and you don't feel like telling him about your minor medical procedure, then don't. Your body, your choice. End of.
This. We need to reframe abortion. It doesn’t have to be a massive thing. You can get the pills in the post now.

I am unusual in my peer group in that I haven’t had an abortion but every woman I know who has, doesn’t regret it.

You don’t have to tell anyone this very private thing if you want to go ahead OP.

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/01/2022 23:15

@HabitsDieHard

this is entirely up to you. My only question is, would you be able to keep the secret and never ever tell him. Because to have a termination and tell him in a years time would be awful.
Yes this. It sounds like you are pretty settled on termination for sensible reasons, and in this case it seems reasonable not to tell him because what’s the point? But this does depend on you being confident you will be comfortable with keeping quiet.
Bollindger · 31/01/2022 23:18

Sometimes we need to thing of what is best for the family we already have, and the loads we already bare.
If your sure that this child will possibly be inheriting the problems of the children you already have and knowing age can make this worse, I don't think anyone would blame you for deciding to safe guard the life you have. If you need to tell your BF, maybe you could say you had an earlier miscarriage, that way you can talk to him about it, while using a white lie. Sometimes though I think not hurting someone is the best way to go if you feel you care for him enough to protect him .

2bazookas · 31/01/2022 23:27

Terminate then tell him. That way you're honest and he learns to use contraception.

Ugzbugz · 31/01/2022 23:44

Abortion or not you have no idea if it would end upna viable pregnancy. For me I would do what I wanted as ultimately you and your children's lives will change forever and I wouldn't tell him.

ambushedbywine · 31/01/2022 23:45

Hope you sleep well OP.

I was assuming that you were totally decided in my last comment.. If how he feels might make a difference to your choice then telling him makes sense so you can discuss together.

Good luck with your decision.

onemoreorange · 31/01/2022 23:58

Oh Op Thanks

I have NC to reply to you. I was exactly in your shoes 3 weeks ago and was having the same dillema. Complete surprise and I knew I couldn't have this baby.

I have thought about it and decided to tell DP. I want to build a future together with him, I love him and and just couldn't imagine having a termination and not telling him about it. It would kill me to have this secret between us. I know the choice was mine at the end of the day and I was prepared to be honest and tell him which could have potentially ended our relationship.

I have sent him a txt to tell him I've done two pregnancy tests. He phoned straight away and I told him the tests were positive. I wanted to give him time to come to terms with what has happened and a bit of space to put his thoughts together. He said we will make it work, and if I would like to move in together, he said he is going to support me as much as he can. To that I've replied that he is thinking completely opposite to me because I don't think I can have a baby now. He said he will come over and we can talk about it, he had a few hrs to think through all this and by the time he came over he has made up his mind and said that he will support me no matter what decision I make, that he loves me and wants to be together.

I will never forget his reaction and I love him for this even more. There was a space for me to talk about all sorts of feelings, worries. I've also told him how I thought I could loose him because of that.

I had termination a week ago. It wasn't a nice process but DP was with me all the time. It helped a lot. We went through it together and I feel this has cemented our relationship and we have never been that close.

If you want to build your life with your DP I would say it's best to be honest and tell him. Be prepared what you are going to do if he insists you have the baby. The way I've looked at it is that we have to agree on fundamental stuff, there has to be teamwork and respect. This was fundamental to me. If DP insisted I had a baby, I still would go ahead with the termination and I think it would end our relationship. It was the worst outcome but I was prepared for that.

All the best to you. Hope you make the right decision for you x