Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

[TellOrNot1981]

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

I'd terminate and not tell him if you don't want to. If you do want to, do. But do what's right for you regardless.

If you are absolutely sure you will terminate I wouldn't tell him until after. No sense giving him false hope.

And to all the 'it's his baby too' people. It's not. It's a foetus right now and entirely OP's until she decides to keep it and gives birth. Slippery slope to giving men power over women's bodies.

@TooWicked

The whole "he's a Catholic" thing is a red herring. He's quite happy to have sex outside of marriage so obviously his faith and its rules and values aren't that important to him.

I wouldn't tell him.

This. In spades.

It’s not a baby, it’s a foetus.

He’s not that Catholic if he’s been having sex before marriage.

You don’t want to continue the pregnancy. So don’t. And there’s no need to tell him either.

F

If you feel certain you could keep this a secret and want to terminate, then I'd not tell him. It's your body, and you'd be the one having to do all the care.

And if it turns out he would have wanted the baby, and you terminate, that would spell the end of your relationship anyway.

It’s not a baby yet legally
So no he has no technical right to know.

Wait until you are 100% certain of your decision then decide if you will tell him. Right now he may try to sway you and if you aren’t sure you may get pushed into something either way.

I think if it’s staying LD and you don’t expect a long term future then I wouldn’t tell him
As you say what can be gained.
It’s likely this will end your relationship either way, your secret or his (or your) resentment

@Amoozbooze yes that’s what I’m worried about, we see each other every few weeks and have such a lovely time, it’s my respite from an otherwise pretty shitty life, and this would change that and be a bit of a dark cloud hanging over us.

I would struggle to keep it from him and then keep it a secret for the rest of the relationship. But even if I told him which I would he would need to understand that keeping the baby or not wasn’t really his decision

You sound as if you have more reasons not to keep it from what you have described!

Thanks for ignoring me and not acknowledging my first comment

I think it depends how you feel about a termination. If emotionally it will be a significant and difficult thing then by not telling him you are going to be emotionally cutting him off. If you feel very ’fine’ about it and more “matter of fact” then it might be okay to keep quiet.
I don’t think either is right or wrong response. I know women feel all kinds of different ways and that it’s still the right choice for them.

I would terminate and not tell him, I would probably feel guilty but what is there to gain by telling him if you have already made your decision (it would be my decision too). I’m guessing he knows you don’t want more kids?
I am a similar age to you op, with similar age dc (with Sen) and I couldn’t imagine having another child, I would go ahead and do it without telling him.

Sorry @worriedmummyofboys I’m not sure what the required response to ‘F’ was?

@worriedmummyofboys

Thanks for ignoring me and not acknowledging my first comment

The thread is about OP, not you. Grow up

Sorry I replied to the wrong thread that wasn't meant for u OP

It’s a really difficult situation you have found yourself in but it happens. It’s not a fling, you’ve been together for 18 months. It may help to talk through with him. Lots of different opinions on this but for me, I would absolutely tell him because he is 50% of the reason you are pregnant.

OP, under most circumstances I'd say this is too big a secret to keep, but in your situation I think it is entirely OK to terminate and not tell. But make sure you get support elsewhere in case you find the termination harder than hoped.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd terminate and not tell him if you don't want to. If you do want to, do. But do what's right for you regardless.

If you are absolutely sure you will terminate I wouldn't tell him until after. No sense giving him false hope.

And to all the 'it's his baby too' people. It's not. It's a foetus right now and entirely OP's until she decides to keep it and gives birth. Slippery slope to giving men power over women's bodies.

slippery slope to giving men power over women’s bodies

OP sharing the news she is pregnant with her DP is not giving him power. It’s giving him information. The choice whether she has a termination is hers and she can choose whether to take his opinion into account

We have talked about kids in the past, more in the context of whether not having them would be a problem as I’m older and have been there and done that. And he said that if it happened then he’d go along with it but he ‘didn’t really’ want them. I think a lot of blokes probably feel that way tbh. But then I see him with his nieces and nephews and he’s so sweet with them, so maybe there’s a part of him that does. I don’t know. He works all over the place and owns a house 4.5 hours away from me. He gets paid bloody well and he’s not qualified to do anything else, he works contracts that are months at a time, 12 hour days and could be anywhere in the U.K. or sometimes Europe. So if I did keep the baby I would be on my own for most of it.

I think if you are definitely going to have a termination then YANBU to not tell him.

That said, does he know you don’t want any more children? I think you need to make sure he’s not secretly hoping to have a baby with you if that’s not going to be an option, so that he can make an informed choice about whether that’s what he wants.

Sorry, cross posted with your recent update. I can see you’ve been very clear with him.

Apologies if this sounds rude or maybe I'm stating the obvious here...bit surely you'd discuss these things in a sexually active relationship? Especially if you've been together for 18months and by the sounds of things, a loving and respectful relationship?
Also as others have said, he can't really claim to be a practising catholic due to above!

If you’ve decided to terminate and you don’t need emotional support for him to cope with it, then it would be kinder not to tell him. You know him best and your instinct is to spare him from carrying that burden. Given he has no choice here, it seems the right thing to do.

*From him

@MummyJasmin it is an accidental pregnancy so there was nothing to discuss really. We were both just assuming it wouldn’t happen. He still is assuming that.