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Original poster

Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

345 replies

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:36

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 31/01/2022 21:32

I wouldn't tell him. It doesn't sound like this pregnancy is right for you, you need to make the decision of what is best for you and your family. If you want a termination, then I wouldn't tell him. He doesn't need to know, it is your body, your decision. You need to do what's best for you, without anyones interference.

buddylicious · 31/01/2022 21:37

If you need his support whilst going through thjs then tell him. If not then don't!

AncrenneWisse · 31/01/2022 21:37

If you are really sure that you want a termination, and you think you can manage without his support, then I would say don’t tell him. It won’t make anything easier or better to watch his potential anguish or hurt.

If you have any doubts about keeping the pregnancy, or want to discuss, or need a handhold, then tell him, of course, but there could be consequences..

I guess what I am saying is that involving him in your decision, if it is one that you have already made and only want him to validate it and help you through it, you have to be prepared for the very real effect it could have on your relationship - possibly long term, or terminal. People who are ambivalent about having children often make up their minds when the prospect is real - and which side they fall can be unpredictable. Adding to that his Catholic upbringing, I don’t think you can know for sure how he will react or how he will feel about you afterwards.

I think one can have good, life long, strong and loving relationships and still keep some secrets, forever. Some secrets are lovingly kept.

You need to decide whether or not you are undecided, and after that what you can live with. Both silence and openness have risks.

Quitelikeacatslife · 31/01/2022 21:37

Probably I'd book the termination then tell him before and try and keep the tone dialed down so it is told to him as this is what's happening and you want to keep things as good as they are. It'd be hard to keep the secret and he might feel worse if he finds out after.

itstoobloodyearly · 31/01/2022 21:39

I couldn't have such a massive secret in a loving relationship

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 31/01/2022 21:39

I think it is entirely and totally your decision and you should do whatever you feel would work best for you.

It is a part of your body right now, you may choose to let it remain, you may not. If you feel that, on balance, it's easiest for you to not tell him at all because of the risk that he'll react badly/make it harder for you/throw a dark cloud over things, don't tell him. If you feel that, on balance, you want his emotional support and that it would outweight any negative or more complex feelings he has about the termination, you could tell him, although in the circumstances you describe I'd do it afterwards.

Centre your feelings, not his. It's your body, it's you that will be most affected in every possible circumstance. If not telling him makes things easier for you, don't tell him. If telling him makes things easier or better for you, tell him.

Lou98 · 31/01/2022 21:41

It's a hard one. It sounds like abortion would be the right choice for you though and there's nothing wrong with that.

Even though you know he would be supportive, it may grow resentment in your relationship if in the back of his mind he did want the baby. That wouldn't be something that was his fault, it isn't a choice but it definitely can happen so it is definitely worth considering. As you say, a hypothetical situation is different to a real one so even though he doesn't think he wants kids, once the reality of an actual pregnancy hits, it could well be that he really wants it. Honestly, I'm not sure that I would tell him in case of this.

If however, you think you'll need/want the support from him while you're going through an abortion (and after) then definitely tell him but I would decide for definite what you want first in regards to keeping/abortion so that when you tell him you can tell him for certain that you're not keeping it so that there's no "false hope" as such and he doesn't start to picture keeping the baby.

Either way, ultimately the decision is yours, don't feel guilty either way, you need to do what's best for you and whether that's not telling him or telling him

NeverChange · 31/01/2022 21:41

Ordinarily when in a relationship, I think a person should tell their partner but I do think your situation is different in that you will effective be doing it alone as he will not going to be there 99% of the time. You also have two SEN children and you know what is best for all 3 of you.

I genuinely have no idea what is the best thing to do but I think you just have to make the best choice for you.

I was baptised Catholic, all Catholic education, still attend the odd church ceremony- weddings, Christmas, funerals. Most of my friends & family to do. I can only think of one who is strongly anti abortion and is ironically too old to ever be in a situation where she may need one. I'm not sure that is as big a factor as you think.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

cutietooties · 31/01/2022 21:41

Tell him, it's your body and your decision but if he's your partner you should let him know, also you may need emotional support and someone to talk to, don't go through it alone

RedCandyApple · 31/01/2022 21:42

Lots of people seem to be assuming he would be devastated she’s having a termination, trust me most men in this situation will be relieved, I wouldn’t tell him.

PinkTonic · 31/01/2022 21:43

I wouldn’t tell him, it doesn’t add anything positive to the situation.

Thesearmsofmine · 31/01/2022 21:45

In this situation, I wouldn’t tell him.

VodselForDinner · 31/01/2022 21:45

@TellOrNot1981

I mentioned he’s a catholic because I don’t really know what his views on abortion are. I’m not a catholic but I went to a convent school and they are pretty good at guilt tripping you over these kinds of things. I think that kind of stuff stays with you and he probably would feel shitty about his child being aborted because of his faith, but I am only guessing on that.
Probably similar views to the Catholics I was raised around-

Fine to have premarital sex, use contraception but suddenly trot out their religion when abortion is mentioned.

I wouldn’t tell him in your situation.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 21:48

Thanks for all the support, I really appreciate it, can’t speak to anyone in RL as I think if I do go down the abortion route and not tell him then I can’t risk anyone else knowing.

I’m flip-flopping from one minute to the next between telling him and not. On one hand it would be lovely to have a child with him, I’ve never experienced that with someone who is actually nice, but on the other hand I just can’t see how that would fit in to my current set up.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 21:51

@RedCandyApple yes I think he would probably most likely be relieved!

He’s obviously not THAT catholic as yes he’s been having sex outside of marriage. But I know from personal experience how you get the guilt drilled into you as a child in the catholic religion, from when I was at convent school. I remember losing my virginity and my first feelings afterwards were of panic that I’d be going to hell as I wasn’t married.

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 31/01/2022 21:53

If you think you’ve got a long term future together I think you need to tell him. If it comes out in 20 years time

Abigail12345654321 · 31/01/2022 21:53

If you aren’t sure about terminating and would contemplate having the child if the practicalities could be worked out, I’d be more inclined to tell him. He might be keen that you terminate. Equally he might turn his world on its axis to sort out the setup and enable you to raise a child together.

If in doubt, talk. Don’t assume it’s not possible because of practicalities - most things can be changed in life if there is a pressing need.

Babdoc · 31/01/2022 21:54

OP, why not have the termination then tell him that you have miscarried an unplanned pregnancy? It is not an outright lie, and means the pregnancy can be acknowledged rather than being a secret you have to keep from him.
It would also explain why you suddenly need to review and improve whatever contraception you were or weren’t using previously.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 21:56

@Babdoc I had actually considered that, but I thought maybe I was being bonkers. I find it really hard not to be honest around him, I find myself telling him all sorts of things I had planned to do in secret, like when I had Botox Grin. He’s like a truth drug.

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 31/01/2022 21:57

The decision is yours but not telling him would cast a huge shadow on your relationship. It's such a big thing to keep from the person who is the closest to you.

FelicityBob · 31/01/2022 21:59

I would be devastated if I found out my husband had kept such a big secret from me.
You should tell him, he’s your partner. Even if you’re not open to discussing the options with him, he should still know.

StellaGibs · 31/01/2022 21:59

I would only tell him if I thought it was serious/I was going to be with him for a long time. I couldn't live with a lie between us in that case. I'd also be paranoid if I had a drink or something that I'd tell him. If I thought the relationship was not especially serious or might fizzle out at some point then I'd not tell him.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 22:02

To add an extra complication to telling him, we only usually communicate through messaging. Partly because he’s Irish and it’s hard enough to understand him when we’re face to face and I have the benefit of lip reading 🤣. And partly because he really hates phone conversations, he’s very shy and just gets really awkward on the phone. I know that sounds bizarre after 18 months but it works for us and we message a lot. So I would either have to tell him via messages which seems wrong or wait until I see him in 12 days which seems like an eternity away.

OP posts:
MaChienEstUnDick · 31/01/2022 22:03

First of all, I don't think you have to do anything today, or even this week. You can take a little bit of time to think things through - I get the feeling you're pinging from emotion to emotion.

If you like this guy and think this relationship has legs then you have to tell him - or there will always be a secret between you. But this is your decision, 100%. Telling him would be a courtesy.

StellaGibs · 31/01/2022 22:06

@TellOrNot1981

To add an extra complication to telling him, we only usually communicate through messaging. Partly because he’s Irish and it’s hard enough to understand him when we’re face to face and I have the benefit of lip reading 🤣. And partly because he really hates phone conversations, he’s very shy and just gets really awkward on the phone. I know that sounds bizarre after 18 months but it works for us and we message a lot. So I would either have to tell him via messages which seems wrong or wait until I see him in 12 days which seems like an eternity away.
I think on this occassion you'd be ok to call. I hate phone calls and everyone knows it, so if someone rings me then I know they must need to call and I will answer.
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