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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

345 replies

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:36

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

OP posts:
ilovemyboys3 · 01/02/2022 06:55

Okay, so a different perspective.. why not tell him you are pregnant - tell him your worries and see his reaction and what his thoughts are on it. If he is insisting you keep the baby and you don't want too then you can always terminate and tell him you've had a miscarriage a day or so after and that your bleeding.

Cheeseplantboots · 01/02/2022 07:01

If you’re not going to carry on I wouldn’t tell him. There is absolutely no point. He doesn’t need to know or have any ‘’right” to know.

mugoftea456 · 01/02/2022 07:20

@AlmostAJillSandwich

It's 50% his baby, termination or not, he deserves to know he/she exists/existed.
Disagree.

Ops body. Ops decision

PinkSyCo · 01/02/2022 07:46

I think if you definitely don’t want the baby and are sure that you could cope with any feelings of regret/guilt or whatever after a termination then it’ll be easier not to tell him. It would be unfair if you found you couldn’t cope with your feelings alone and decided to tell him after the event though, so think about this carefully before you rush into anything.

CityMumma78 · 01/02/2022 07:53

Quietly deal with it, no one needs to ever know. It’s your body!!

sanbeiji · 01/02/2022 08:32

@ilovemyboys3

Okay, so a different perspective.. why not tell him you are pregnant - tell him your worries and see his reaction and what his thoughts are on it. If he is insisting you keep the baby and you don't want too then you can always terminate and tell him you've had a miscarriage a day or so after and that your bleeding.
Yeah or this. Honestly OP if he reacts with anything other than complete support for any decision as @onemoreorange he’s a dick. Unless of course he plans to raise the baby himself or take on your caregiving responsibilities

Anyway best of luck to you

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 08:58

Morning, thanks for the replies and thanks for sharing your recent experience @onemoreorange. I’ve no doubt that if I told him he would be lovely about it, because he’s always lovely about everything. I’m still very torn about what the right thing to do there is.

I phoned bpas just now and the earliest appointment I could get is Tuesday next week, which is a face to face one. A phone appointment would have been a week later. They said on the phone that treatment would be within 7 days of the consultation. It’s rubbish timing as I’ll be seeing him 5 days after the appointment, he’s coming to see me for my birthday, and I don’t think I’m going to feel very celebratory.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/02/2022 09:01

I wouldn't tell him, tbh. He's in a totally different position to you and it would be horrible if you felt judged. 💐

OpheliaTrousersnake · 01/02/2022 09:06

@ForeverSingle881

It's really not a "massive" secret. It's a quick medical procedure. Over and done quickly and then move on. A pregnancy is not what you want. It would not be good for your other children. You know you want an abortion. It really isn't some dark secret cloud hanging over you. If this relationship is your only respite from a life of responsibility and you don't feel like telling him about your minor medical procedure, then don't. Your body, your choice. End of.
Absolutely this.
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 09:17

This next week is going to be hell. I worked my dates out properly today and I’m 5 weeks this Thursday, so it’s very early but I already feel so pregnant, everything smells weird and my boobs are bigger and sore.

OP posts:
Christmas1988 · 01/02/2022 09:17

Tell him, if he’s as sweet and kind as you say he is then it’s an excellent idea to tell him so you have support and somebody to talk things through with.

tanktopsruleok · 01/02/2022 09:24

I'm a complete supporter of your body your choice and I'm passionately pro choice. However, I also believe in open-ness and trust in a relationship and would like to know if my partner was having a significant medical situation to deal with. Especially if that may impact my partner's emotional well-being afterwards.

I would be very shocked and upset to find out my partner couldn't confide in me about something as important as this and I would immediately question that relationship.

An abortion is a medical procedure not without risk either.

Have you both decided you don't want children together? You need to tell him.

MaChienEstUnDick · 01/02/2022 09:25

I was thinking about you this morning OP and I'm still of the same opinion - decide what you want to do first (and take your time), then tell him. If he's unsupportive, then you know that about him from early doors and can bin him; if he's great then you might go on to have a significant relationship with no secrets between you.

But of course this is 100% your body, your choice.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 01/02/2022 09:29

How will your existing children with SEN feel about a new baby, with a guy they don't know, thrown into the mix?
Poor kids.

He sounds very sheltered, countryish and old fashioned.
Is he living in Ireland now?
Are you sure he doesn't have a girlfriend tucked away in Ireland, or elsewhere?

I'd be going for a termination, if I were you.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 09:37

I think at the moment I am leaning towards telling him, honesty is usually the best policy. I’m pretty sure he’d feel that not having it is the best thing to do but 🤷‍♀️. To add to the complications I am supposed to be signing a contract today to get a horse on loan, it’s a really amazing once in a lifetime horse that I can’t believe I found, but obviously not really compatible with a baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 09:39

@GiantHaystacks2021 no he lives in England (just the other end of England to me) and definitely doesn’t have a secret girlfriend anywhere. He’s either working 12 hour days or in between contracts he’s usually here. My kids do know him, we’ve been together 18 months Confused.

OP posts:
trumpisagit · 01/02/2022 09:43

I think you should tell him. It's not your job to protect him from reality, and this is his problem too.
Also it's a massive secret to keep from someone you love.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 09:45

I would make my decision about what I wanted to do, DO IT FIRST and then tell him.

If you want to have a termination then it is non-negotiable and a medical issue to be dealt with, the same as any other medical issue you would need to go to a HCP for. You wouldn't tell him as a matter of course if you needed to go about another kind of issue prior to the appointment.

I think then if you wanted to tell him and be open about it then do it afterwards. If he asks why you didn't tell him before, you say it was because it's not something that really needed a discussion, because you'd decided what you were going to do with your body anyway.

Good luck OP, take care of yourself 💐

GiantHaystacks2021 · 01/02/2022 09:46

[quote TellOrNot1981]@GiantHaystacks2021 no he lives in England (just the other end of England to me) and definitely doesn’t have a secret girlfriend anywhere. He’s either working 12 hour days or in between contracts he’s usually here. My kids do know him, we’ve been together 18 months Confused.[/quote]
Ok your kids know.
Are they / will they be ready for the gigantic step of having a baby sibling?

nokidshere · 01/02/2022 09:49

I wouldn't tell him. Unless you want support from him what would be the point?

PinkSyCo · 01/02/2022 09:54

My kids do know him, we’ve been together 18 months confused.

Considering you only see each other every few weeks I don’t know why you’re so confused that someone wouldn’t guess that your kids and bf had met.

billy1966 · 01/02/2022 09:58

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd terminate and not tell him if you don't want to. If you do want to, do. But do what's right for you regardless.

If you are absolutely sure you will terminate I wouldn't tell him until after. No sense giving him false hope.

And to all the 'it's his baby too' people. It's not. It's a foetus right now and entirely OP's until she decides to keep it and gives birth. Slippery slope to giving men power over women's bodies.

This.

It is a private medical matter at the moment.

I think your decision to terminate is the correct one.

Going back to babies at 41 would be madness with the load you currently carry.

Being practical here is wise.
Flowers

SartresSoul · 01/02/2022 10:00

You don’t need to tell him you’re having a termination, no. It’s your body and your choice.

Momijin · 01/02/2022 10:02

I think you should call him and tell him. I'm sure you can do one phone conversation! But not out of moral duty as much as because you're so undecided and could do with discussing it with someone. All the best op xx

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/02/2022 10:05

@TooWicked

The whole "he's a Catholic" thing is a red herring. He's quite happy to have sex outside of marriage so obviously his faith and its rules and values aren't that important to him.

I wouldn't tell him.

Fair point.

I'm in the 'your body, your choice' camp. You have 2 DC with SEN and you point out there's a fair chance of another having similar needs - at 41, you'll be getting more tired and less able to manage a baby (SEN or not). You're telling us very plainly that another baby is not what you want.

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