To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

I can understand what you mean OP. I'm nearly the same age as you. It might be harder for you because you're good looking - I've always been very ugly so even when I was young I was overlooked. Now I'm approaching middle age it's even worse.

It’s happens to us all …. Sad but true…and when I was 20, I probably looked at the 40 somethings in the bar in the same way!

Worse is middle aged women feeling invisible in the workplace… now that really gets my goat!

If people aren't interested in me because I am a middle aged woman, they can move along. The people that are interested / open minded / willing to treat me as they would anyone else, they are the people I want to know.

I quite like to be honest. But I don’t care if random people I don’t know look through me. I don’t care if they write me off.

I’m happy in my own middle aged skin, I love my job, I have great friends, interests which keep me busy. If people aren’t prepared to get to know me because they think I have nothing to offer then they’re not the sort of people I’d be interested in either.

Does your husband feel the same?

It's nostalgia.

I'm 46 and I don't feel like that at all. I feel like people actually listen to what I say, take me seriously and are sometimes even a little intimidated, and if they are unfriendly or unwelcoming then I don't give a shit as I'm not looking for their approval.

Hmmm. I think on the one hand, yes, women over 40 are often treated with a mix of pity/contempt/as though they are irrelevant...BUT, you have to make that the problem of the idiots who think like this.
You can't internalise stupid ageism and misogyny, that's really self defeating!
Your life sounds amazing. You may not turn heads in every room (although at 42 I cant see why you wouldn't) but so what? There's a lot more to life than people thinking you are fit or cool. You need to actually feel your age, and feel the self reliance, wisdom, resilience and perspective that is supposed to come with it.
In the nicest way, give yourself a slap and snap out of it!

This didn't happen to me at 42. Most 42-year-olds still look pretty fresh and shaggable! You're describing what life is like for me now I'm 50.

I'd honestly get a skincare regime sorted, have your oestrogen tested, get more sleep and take vitamins. You really don't have to be invisible yet. You've got a good 5-6 years left!

I’m 39, 40 this year and I hear you. It’s depressing.

In my teens and 20s I was a lesbian feminist who hated male attention (I was not particularly beautiful)... I have always despised male interest coming from (what I perceive as) beauty or superficial aspects only. So now I'm 41 I'm relieved that I know longer have this to contend with, particularly street harassment from men.

You are married and in a relationship with your husband, why yearn for the male attraction you received a decade or so a go?

I don't plan to be invisible in four or five years time either.

I like it, I feel safer and less objectified. I feel I have more control over what people think about me. They either don't give me a thought (fine, I don't give a thought to every person around me ever) or I get to make an impression on my terms. It's much better than being seen as a naive, and therefore vulnerable, pair of tits.

I still think I’m cool even though I’m in late 40s. I’m probably not but I really don’t give any f*s anymore. Anyone who thinks you’re not good enough is not worth your time however young they are! And I’m sure you get male attention- though your admirers are probably older now too. Honestly I am having the time of my life now and anyone who detracts from that can bog off! It’s a state of mind.

I prefer it too

Sure there were fun times and mutual attraction etc brings some nostalgia when I think about it, which isn’t often

But mostly I don’t miss it at all and prefer now, plus I like looking forward to stuff I’ll do. Late 40s

They say getting older is a lot of 'letting go's'.

I'd say this is one thing you need to feel, and then find a way to let it go and or channel it into a different direction if you still want to perform in some way.

You're attaching too much self esteem to your physical charisma & attractiveness, OP.

Not being as beautifully attractive as you used to be doesn't make a person irrelevant & invisible. Or maybe it does if you never saw value in any other attributes you have, I dunno.

People change aging changes now you have different opportunities. Embrace the opportunities you have.

Oh god I'm 40 next year and this isn't making me feel any better about it. It doesn't help that DH is quite a bit younger than me and hasn't long turned 30!

There's no excuse for people being rude or dismissive to you because of your age. But I must admit that I find it hard to have huge amounts of sympathy for people who were used to getting attention for their youthful good looks and don't any more ! After all, you're only being put on the same level as less attractive people who never got attention for their looks.

I'd say I was averagely attractive as a young woman, and am probably still average for a 50 yo. I don't feel at all that I've disappeared, and I would find attention of that kind uncomfortable tbh. One of the good things about being older is not fretting about whether people find you attractive or not!

It seems like what you're missing is the immediate head-turning attention of strangers - and let's face it, that is always superficial and based on looks and style, not on whether you have lots to offer as a person. People have to get to know you to find out what you're really like.

I’m 42 too and I don’t really notice to be honest. I’ve never been the cool or popular one, nobody has followed me around the room to talk to me etc. I’ve had a good bunch of close mates with some others that have come and gone and my family. I had amazing experiences in my twenties and thirties.

However now I’m older and wiser. I’m less self conscious and more confident as a 40 + year old than I was at 20. I was in manchester over the weekend in a nice restaurant and a cocktail bar. I was treated well and the same as I’ve always been in those kind of places, I don’t notice being treated differently by the younger staff tbh. But to be fair when I was twenty I probably saw 40+ as old and wouldn’t have thought much about it. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I'm in my 40 s and don't feel that way at all Ive never experienced this invisibility people talk about at all but maybe that's because I'm happily married to Mr titty and I give zero fucks what anyone else thinks of me

I’ve had the exact opposite experience. I have so much more confidence and such a strong sense of my own personal value that I feel much less invisible than I ever felt in my 20s. I know that I’m talented and intelligent and I’ve proven I can use those traits to succeed. I’m autistic and I never really noticed people noticing my appearance so I never developed a sense of my value based upon my looks. I suppose It’s one of the perks of my version of neuro-diversity.

I think you’re mourning your extreme beauty of your youth. For those of us who are less stunning in our youth the difference is less marked. So YANBU to feel a little sad about that but..

Speed in being served in a pub is not exactly the marker of relevance, success or anything. Be confident, be loud and proud. Sounds like you’ve bossed at life. Celebrate that!

I'm 42 and don't feel invisible at all. If anything I'm a lot more confident now than when I was younger.

The only time I've really felt like that is when I was in my 30s going to toddler group with young children and didn't get time to exercise or dress well.