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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

380 replies

ILoveHuskies · 31/01/2022 15:55

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

OP posts:
Joolsin · 31/01/2022 17:55

I'm in my 50s now and I love being this age. I wear what I want, I don't give a toss about anyone's opinions. I am 1000 times more confident than I used to be when I was younger. I'm viewed at work as a friendly, informed, knowledgeable person, but also one who takes absolutely no shit and can be formidable when challenged. I do sometimes catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or a shop window and I think "who's that old gimmer - oh, shit, it's me" so my advice is not to look closely in mirrors and just keep the image of how you think you look safely in your head!!

Mamabear12 · 31/01/2022 17:56

Hmm, I guess it depends. I am 38, almost 39 and do not really notice it. I got a lot of attention when younger and did not like it. I am pleased that I do not feel like men are hitting on me when they talk to me. However, I do not attribute this to me being old and unattractive, as I think most of them assume I am married...as I always have my kids with me (and I am married! lol). But I also have the same size body as I did in my 20s and sure my skin was more youthful, but with makeup on I am still attractive (and w out according to my kids!). Do you feel you let yourself go a bit? Or perhaps it is just in your head.

mumonthehill · 31/01/2022 17:57

At 46 I actually really do not feel this, in fact I feel more visible. I think this is due to feeling so much more confident than I did in my 20’s, I have a job where I feel valued for my knowledge and experience. I spent my 30’s bringing up children and I felt then I lost some of my identity which I have now found again. I am not beautiful but I have a good sense of who I am which I find empowering.

butterpuffed · 31/01/2022 17:57

You're talking depressed and probably looking depressed when you walk into a room. It's not just looking good that gets you noticed, it's having 'presence' , and looking 'down' doesn't give you that.

OpheliaTrousersnake · 31/01/2022 17:57

Is it not just a state of mind, @ILoveHuskies? I was very attractive as a 20 yr old and am still very attractive as a 50 yr old - still slim, still blonde, but better dressed than I was then. I don't feel in the slightest bit invisible or irrelevant, despite having been a SAHM for donkey's years so I don't "even" have a fabulous career to show for it. However, I don't think I've ever thought older women were irrelevant (one of my best female friends is a fabulous 82 year old who lights up every room she walks into...)

Buddywoo · 31/01/2022 17:57

I first noticed this at 38. I was a young mum at 22 and always had quite a lot of male attention. On holiday with my daughter when she was 16, I noticed for the first time that men were looking at her rather than me. It was a bit of a shock, but then I got used to it. Everyone has their season and then it's time to get on with other things.

MadameHeisenberg · 31/01/2022 17:57

Also, I couldn’t give a shit what 20-somethings think of me. I’m not interested in them, on the whole (unless we share work or hobbies). Many of them seem to have horrific fashion sense and the rise in plastic surgery and obesity means a significant proportion of them don’t look great anyway.

My friend’s daughter is 21, mixed race and has (IMO) spoiled her pretty face with lip and cheek fillers. I’ve no desire to emulate this look!

IcedPurple · 31/01/2022 17:57

@ILoveHuskies

Jus to be clear, I don't need, expect or want attention from men or to be praised and noticed for how I look. I know thats mostly a young person thing and that's absolutely fine. I have DH, he fancies me still and vice versa. I am actually mostly ok with how I look, and I like myself for many more reasons than my outward appearance

My point is I just don't want to be seen as irrelevant and I don't want to be written off and invisible just because I am no longer young when I'm the same inside. And when actually I am a way better person than I was in a lot of ways

My op is about the general disparity in how women people are treated as they become middle aged and older... compared to when they were young. i just think it's unfair bollocks

Well, you did mention how you missed no longer being the person who turned heads, so you definitely gave the impression that you missed being valued for your looks. Which is fine, but now you seem to be denying what you wrote.

I'm not entirely sure what exactly it is that you want? What do you mean 'not being written off'? I and others have asked you if you hung out with people in their 40s when you were young? I'm guessing you probably didn't. You likely thought of 40s years olds who visited nightclubs as being 'down with the kids' and a bit sad. That could be what these youngsters think of you now, but who really cares? I don't get why it matters to you so much.

Other than not getting what you consider good service in a bar, what is it that you want people to do for you?

ClariceQuiff · 31/01/2022 17:57

The only attention I got when younger was negative - strangers (always men) calling me ugly and that sort of thing.

I embrace my cloak of middle-aged invisibility. I wrap it round myself like a warm blanket.

I used to dress in very 'boring' clothes in an effort to pass unnoticed (didn't really work) but now I've donned my cloak of invisibility I am happy to dress in whatever I want to wear, even to wear a bikini on the beach. No one bats an eyelid. It's liberating and wonderful.

I sometimes wish I'd been an attractive young woman, just to know what it feels like to have lots of people admiring you, and sex on tap if you wanted it. But now I am middle-aged I am glad I've never relied on my looks for happiness and validation.

BrokenCopper · 31/01/2022 17:59

Yep, I see more ugly side of human now because I am older (47).

You can either come to terms with aging or change the way you think.

I don't need to be attractive, I just want people to treat me equally! How much I want to retire in this male dominated work place now. Sad

MarshaBradyo · 31/01/2022 18:00

@ILoveHuskies

Jus to be clear, I don't need, expect or want attention from men or to be praised and noticed for how I look. I know thats mostly a young person thing and that's absolutely fine. I have DH, he fancies me still and vice versa. I am actually mostly ok with how I look, and I like myself for many more reasons than my outward appearance

My point is I just don't want to be seen as irrelevant and I don't want to be written off and invisible just because I am no longer young when I'm the same inside. And when actually I am a way better person than I was in a lot of ways

My op is about the general disparity in how women people are treated as they become middle aged and older... compared to when they were young. i just think it's unfair bollocks

Tbh I don’t feel invisible at 47

It’s different in that it’s not so loaded with attraction - positive or negative

But generally I feel noticed and treated pretty well

I feel better now for some reason than early 30s for example, I think it’s because I have some things more sorted

AllGoodPoints · 31/01/2022 18:01

I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

It sounds like you are not irrelevant to your work, your family or your friends. But, I can’t see the young people whose attention you seem to crave finding much in your list to be interested in. You can’t be of interest to everyone.

OverByYer · 31/01/2022 18:02

I’m 50 and can’t relate to this at all. Certainly not my experience of being an older woman. Staying that though I’ve never been one to court attention so maybe I’ve never had it?

RestingStitchFace · 31/01/2022 18:03

There's a grain of truth in what you say but, to be honest, I find it quite liberating. I was blessed/cursed with big boobs and I clearly remember finding male attention very predatory in my 20's. I spent a lot of time feeling wary of male intentions and very uncomfortable in my body.

Am now late 40's. Am no looker at all these days and the previously pneumatic tits have absolutely gone south. But this has been my decade of taking no shit and giving no fucks. I hate looking in the mirror but, weirdly, I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been...

It's not all bad Smile

stripeyflowers · 31/01/2022 18:03

Quite frankly, my dear, fuck 'em!

UserBot9to5 · 31/01/2022 18:05

@BrokenCopper

Yep, I see more ugly side of human now because I am older (47).

You can either come to terms with aging or change the way you think.

I don't need to be attractive, I just want people to treat me equally! How much I want to retire in this male dominated work place now. Sad

This resonates. I dont want to be included despite my older age. I want to be included because im at least as funny and good company as my younger colleagues. But you know, one has to be reealistic about being excluded sometimes
madisonbridges · 31/01/2022 18:05

I wasn't pretty or in demand when I was younger which was upsetting for me then but maybe helpful for me now I'm older. I always had to rely on my words to make me noticed rather than my looks. I'm in my 60s now and I never feel overlooked and if I do, I'm happy to step forward and do something about it. In fact, I find it easier as I get older.

TatianaBis · 31/01/2022 18:06

I can't say I've noticed any contempt at all. In fact I think people generally treat one with more respect precisely because one is older.

I find that shop or business or medical staff etc don't have the dismissive attitude that I remember from my teens.

I don't get followed down the street so much, but that's definitely a plus. I like the feeling of not being on show all the time, that one has when young.

I think women whose identity is tied up very much in their appearance feel the loss of youth more than others.

Ozanj · 31/01/2022 18:07

I’m in my early 40s and male attention hasn’t really stopped. It’s pretty much the same as it always was. Perhaps you aren’t, as a pp said, hanging around with enough people your age?

Mummysgogetter · 31/01/2022 18:07

43 here. Used to be classed as stunning. Feel okay ish - not ugly, still reasonably attractive to my own age group and older. feel a lot safer when I go out as I feel invisible to the sinister creeps. It is hard because if you’ve been the stunning one, when you get older you have to redefine and identify yourself as something else. But honestly, I’ve seen many very attractive 50+ women and the difference between them and the not so attractive ones is all in the attitude and personality, also whether they look after themselves physically with exercise and diet. The tragic ones are the people that try and desperately hang on to their youth (men and women) by hanging out with the youngsters and dressing in stuff that don’t suit them. Also they give off a vibe of bitter insecurity. However, women or men that are confident and love themselves regardless of how old they are, just seem to shine and are as attractive (if not more because of substance) then the younger ones. It’s all in how you view it

Laiste · 31/01/2022 18:08

When it was good it was really good. In my 20s and 30s when i was in the mood I could walk into a bar/club and take my pick of men. Turn it on and light up a room. Get attention from anyone i wanted it from. If was a bit like i imagine being famous is.

When it was bad it was awful. Being cat called and leered at when i was just in the park with my young DCs. Propositioned by a good friend's DH. Pestered by men when you're just wanting to sit and chat to a mate. Men getting shitty when you politely turn them down. Men treating me like either an airhead or a piece of meat. Open hostility from women i've never even met.

I don't miss the bad obvs.

The good - well occasionally i'll get a surprise chat up and think oh, nice! Grin Sometimes i miss the high of being the head turner. Mostly though i'm grateful for my health and that my dear DH and my kids love me :)

Original poster
ILoveHuskies · 31/01/2022 18:08

@IcedPurple Nowhere in my posts did said I miss male attention and being noticed Smile . Just stating that I did have that and now I don't, but that isn't what bothers me

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveHuskies · 31/01/2022 18:10

@Laiste

When it was good it was really good. In my 20s and 30s when i was in the mood I could walk into a bar/club and take my pick of men. Turn it on and light up a room. Get attention from anyone i wanted it from. If was a bit like i imagine being famous is.

When it was bad it was awful. Being cat called and leered at when i was just in the park with my young DCs. Propositioned by a good friend's DH. Pestered by men when you're just wanting to sit and chat to a mate. Men getting shitty when you politely turn them down. Men treating me like either an airhead or a piece of meat. Open hostility from women i've never even met.

I don't miss the bad obvs.

The good - well occasionally i'll get a surprise chat up and think oh, nice! Grin Sometimes i miss the high of being the head turner. Mostly though i'm grateful for my health and that my dear DH and my kids love me :)

Yes I totally relate to all of that.
OP posts:
Echobelly · 31/01/2022 18:10

I know it's a common feeling, but I haven't had it at all, but I think that's because I always was invisible apparently. I think I look perfectly OK, but reckonas I always wore short hair and dressed weirdly and am short and flat chested (now I have long hair and dress only slightly weirdly) I just never had that impact on most guys. But I can imagine, if one did and then it seemed to go away, yes, that would be upsetting.

Hoppinggreen · 31/01/2022 18:10

It sounds like a lot of your self esteem and identity is tied up in the way you look OP. It’s understandable, but inevitably that will change and you need to find new and better ways to define yourself or risk bitterness.
Don’t become my Mother whose Raison d’Etre from her late 40s was to try and bring down any women seen as attractive including most recently her Grandaughters, this alienating not just them but me and my sil too (and DH)