To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

Only had it happen once[and I am no oil painting]. I really was ready to literally jump up and go "I am here" at the young woman shop assistant. But just as I was about to do that, she did turn her attention to me.

When I was in my twenties I had a few friends much older than me. I enjoyed a cross section.

I feel alright actually. I don't want to be very visible anyway. I never liked it. Now I don't really give a shit. Honestly I see people in their 20s obsessed with selfies and how they appear to the outside world and feel sorry for them. It has always been tough being young but it is even more so now.

Also I know with certainty that to live through stuff and get old is a privilege, not something to be despised.

If you've got money & you want people to notice you, get some amazing/stylish/expensive clothes/bags etc. Get a drop-dead gorgeous, fashionable hairstyle. Look like you're important, act like you are. Wherever it is you want to go, whatever culture you want to be in, find out what they admire & do that.

I don't do this, but I once went out with a friend who dressed nicely & simply had that way with her (she'd had servants in her earlier life), & people fell over themselves to do things for her, all day. It was amazing.

I hear you OP. In the 70s my first husband was in a fairly successful Rock band and I bathed in the reflected glory 😊.
Now I’m 67 and it stinks. I refuse to grow old gracefully and still have long dark purple hair, decent figure, still wear jeans and black leather jackets etc. but as far as younger people are concerned you’re just invisible an invisible old has been ☹️

There's a popular, hip venue near where I live, where locals age 18-dead go to see bands.

The ones who are screamingly uncool are those desperate to show they're still the person they were in their twenties. Not those who still keep up their interests/style etc - those who have that indefinable air of not being able to let the glory days go.

Better be someone who has great memories of being 25 but is happily embracing being 45 than some sad sack who is unconvincingly pretending the last 20 years didn't happen.

I'm sorry you feel that way OP.

I don't recognise your feelings though, but I've never, even when I was young, needed male validation to feel 'seen'.

I love being in my 40's.

I'm not sure if I'm invisible or not, and I genuinely couldn't give a shit.

I don't put any stock into what strangers think of me.

This is one of the great things about getting older I feel.

Jus to be clear, I don't need, expect or want attention from men or to be praised and noticed for how I look. I know thats mostly a young person thing and that's absolutely fine. I have DH, he fancies me still and vice versa. I am actually mostly ok with how I look, and I like myself for many more reasons than my outward appearance

My point is I just don't want to be seen as irrelevant and I don't want to be written off and invisible just because I am no longer young when I'm the same inside. And when actually I am a way better person than I was in a lot of ways

My op is about the general disparity in how women people are treated as they become middle aged and older... compared to when they were young. i just think it's unfair bollocks

I quite like the lack of attention/ cat calling now im getting older.
I feel a lot more confident as a person now i'm older now and would make my presence known when necessary so wouldn't be ignored in a restaurant for example. It sounds a bit like you're sitting there unable to speak up because you think you look 'old'. Your life sounds wonderful- get out there and command respect!!!!!

@AnybodyAnywhere

I hear you OP. In the 70s my first husband was in a fairly successful Rock band and I bathed in the reflected glory 😊. Now I’m 67 and it stinks. I refuse to grow old gracefully and still have long dark purple hair, decent figure, still wear jeans and black leather jackets etc. but as far as younger people are concerned you’re just invisible an invisible old has been ☹️

You sound absolutely awesome and the sort of person I'd love to know!

I bet you look amazing

I have to admit I love being over 40 and invisible, I call it my superpower! I can finally go places without morons catcalling or shouting out smartarse comments and I have much more confidence because of it. It’s coincided rather wonderfully with my ceasing to give a damn what other people think and finally feeling happy in my own skin. My hair is now rainbow coloured and I wear what I like. Nobody sees me and it’s bloody bliss (apart from when they literally walk into me, that’s not so good)!

It depends who you are talking about. Younger people find older people less relevant because they are a different generation. That's natural. I'm sure your own generation don't feel that. Look to your own friends and contemporaries.

Nope don't feel invisible then I was married in my early 20s and have been told I gave a f××k off vibe to men . I'm comfortable in my own skin, like who I am, actually feel I'm the best version of me so far.

I have felt more attractive as I have aged. I am much more confident in my old skin. Sounds like your confidence was a result of your looks rather than the person within.
The biggest draw when you are old is an open smiling face. Unfortunately most anti ageing treatments render your face incapable of a natural smile. Embrace your age and start smiling, it gets you noticed.

@ifIwerenotanandroid

If you've got money & you want people to notice you, get some amazing/stylish/expensive clothes/bags etc. Get a drop-dead gorgeous, fashionable hairstyle. Look like you're important, act like you are. Wherever it is you want to go, whatever culture you want to be in, find out what they admire & do that.

I don't do this, but I once went out with a friend who dressed nicely & simply had that way with her (she'd had servants in her earlier life), & people fell over themselves to do things for her, all day. It was amazing.

And if you haven't got money, have long swishy hair (blonde works best) a good figure and clothes that show it off, and walk like you own the place. It night not be right, but its absolutely true.

I’m 40 and don’t find this. I was always the cool, pretty one and I still turn heads. Not that I’m really bothered though to be honest. I’m a scientist and in a management role in big pharma. I found it so difficult to be taken seriously when I was younger (got my PhD when I was 25), but I now have much more gravitas. Most people expect scientists to be old men, so I’ve been going against the grain for years.

As long as DH is happy, it’s good for me. He’s extremely good-looking and most other men don’t come close to him, so I’m not really interested in their attention anyway.

There are plenty of attractive, cool and stylish women in their 50s and beyond so I intend to model myself on them if I feel I need inspiration! Look at Carla Bruni, Liz Hurley, Nigella, Cate Blanchett, Jennifer Anniston, Naomi Watts; they all look fabulous!

The transitional stage is the hardest of all. Especially if you are used to being given a lot of attention without having to make an effort to get it.

There's a brilliant Frankie and Grace episode about shoplifting because you are so invisible as a middle aged woman. It's quite funny.

It's OK to want to take up space and command sufficient attention if you walk into a bar.

It helps to:
pick the bar - don't hang out in places that only cater for twenty somethings.
sort out your wardrobe and make sure you are wearing clothes that show your personality not your age
do stuff that makes you feel energised and young and visible again. Why not start up a band that does covers of the music you loved when you were twenty something, and play in local pubs? Or join a musical drama group.
And stay fit. I used to be pretty and got lots of attention very easily. Never realised I got served first in bars, men always seemed to find me interesting when I was probably drivelling on and they were faking it. You have to work harder to be worth attention when you lose your youthful looks - and that can be the making of your personality. But there's no need to let looks slide. I am 15 years older than you but lost a fair bit of weight recently and have noticed men of all ages giving me a second glance since I toned up. I was invisible for years before this when I was overweight.

Goodness OP, really?

I am much older than you and I don't feel like that at all.

I have risen through the ranks to a place of authority and when I speak my words carry much more weight than they did when I was younger.

I also have much more time and money to spend on clothes, leisure and myself in general. I am always well-groomed and make time for hair and nail appointments as needed. I don't have small children to worry about and my DH/DC are all happy and well. I have a great life.

I also have zero interest in drama. I surround myself with positive people.

You need to value yourself and not seek validation from others.

I’ve read about this and heard about this, but not experienced it myself

Maybe I don’t particularly seek approval from anyone, especially not young people

But I honestly don’t ever have a feeling of invisibility.

Maybe it’s different settings? I tend to go out to places where I meet people I know, so not particularly notice if other customers “clock” me. I pretty much always get nice service when I go out, most places if you’re smoky and polite you get nice service?

Maybe you just go to much hipper places than me

Also find that getting chatted up never stops as such but it’s just from older blokes. My mum got chatted up by a guy she goes to physio with, they are both 80+

Forgot to say I am 50s

When the young boys message asking if you want young sex like you have been waiting around for a young fuck. When most would not be able to keep up lol

I think youre being a bit dramatic. Although im not 40 yet, so who knows how i will feel then.
All i know is that i looked the same way at 40+ people in a bar when i was in my 20s. Youre just not their crowd. And i think thats ok because its a whole other generation. Do you get treated like that when youre around people your age?
Do you eyeroll when you hear 20 year olds talking about certain topics (mostly boys). Because honestly their conversations are ridiculous sometimes, but im sure they arent for them. And i probably had exactly those conversations with my friends at that age.
Its ok that they dont see you as cool!

No I don’t feel like that. I don’t really understand why I’d need to be relevant to a younger person…not sure what that even means! Younger people are generally less wise and they’re not at all relevant to me so why should I care what they think? Older people are far more interesting to me.

I do feel sad about my fading looks but I’m still attractive at 49 and I still wear exactly the same clothes that I always wore. I’ve got no hormones though so I’m not that interested in whether I’m attracting attention. No one makes any effort in my area and I do make an effort so I definitely don’t feel invisible.

I suppose you need to ask yourself why, at 42, you are still seeking validation from others to the point that it is making you feel so miserable about your age.

It sounds like you have a great lifestyle, plenty of achievements and reasons to be proud of yourself. Why are you feeling depressed that other people aren't staring at you and giving you attention? Why does that matter so much? Most people grow beyond needing that kind of validation from others as they reach their 30s and 40s - at least to some degree.

Maybe it's worth speaking to a counsellor about how you can find peace with this. It's very freeing to stop needing that feedback from other people. I hope you find it!