To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

Unfortunately the sort of visibility you're describing comes almost totally down to your appearance. Women who are visible when older are either eye catching, even flamboyant, in their style of dress, or else very attractive, usually in a prescribed youthful way. I don't have an answer to this as a social issue, other than refusing to accept being ignored when you are entitled to expect attention, but on a personal level, if you were stunning in your 30s, you won't have lost the ability to turn heads in your 40s as those looks will still be there. I would imagine what's happening is a combination of less 'look at me' styling in clothes and hair, being with your DH and looking like an established couple, and possibly an element of no longer strutting your stuff as you once did. If you look good and walk into a room with enough confidence heads you will still turn heads.

There is a bit in the book "Scarlett" (the sequel to gone with the wind) where - I think it's Rhett Butlers mother - says about Scarlett "it's very hard for women like her getting older - having once been a Belle".

It certainly resonated with me when I read it! You go from having men turn to look at you and try to chat you up wherever you go to barely giving you a glance. I was wolf whistled the other day from a builders van and I felt great. But then I quickly realised what a saddo I was being.

I often hated male attention when I was younger and would go crimson if someone passed comment but I suppose it gave you some kind of validation that you were attractive.

Now I try to just concentrate on looking the best I can and being happy in the fact that my dh still fancies me loads, and i him.

And this certainly isn't a "woman thing" - the amount of friends/family members dh's that have had mid-life crises and run off with younger women etc is staggering. And its all to do with the fragile male ego - they have to prove they've still "got it".
At least i don't feel like that! Ad what I may now lack in pert boobs and unlined skin I more than make up for in confidence - I never blush anymore!!

We all age - there's nothing you can do about it. And why would you be relevant to a random 20-something anyway? Would you have given a shit about a couple in their forties when you were 20 OP? I dont think I would've!

I think its more obvious to you as you had so much attention when you were younger. Apart from that I think you need better friends of people you meet. I havent personally noted this, although men find you invisible after a certain age, but younger people just treat me as a person.

I know what you mean. I was really good looking in my teens and twenties. I’m not now. But it is SO liberating not to be on the receiving end of constant threatening, creepy, sleazy behaviour from men anymore.

At the ripe old age of 39 I had an epiphany in McDonalds of all places. I was watching all the cool teenagers and 20 somethings, while I sat there with my kids. I just thought I'm not like that anymore.

Then I thought, why does it matter? Why does it matter if I'm not cool, or sexy or teenagers think I look good? Then I stopped giving a shit.

You're only invisible to a certain demographic BTW. Everyone else can see you fine.

I for one am glad that I can now walk around without every man staring at me. I developed extreme self-consciousness due to being regarded as highly attractive in my late teens and twenties, and being continually observed and, well, objectified.

I think we all want to stay looking the same, but at the grand old age of seventy, I got winked and smiled at by a man recently. A few weeks previously, another man kindly put oil in my car for me when he saw me trying to do it. I don't mistake these for come-on's, but it does mean I don't get ignored.

I found it worse in 30s as you are clearly not in 20s anymore but still young-ish.

Personally, I got a promotion at work which means I'm far more visible (and listened to) not less.

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible.

But there's a difference between being no longer stunningly attractive and being 'invisible'. Most people never have the type of looks which turn heads, so to use your logic, they would be 'invisible' all their lives.

I'm 52. Even if I say so myself, I used to be very attractive as a younger woman. I like to think I'm still OK to look at, but middle aged beauty cannot really compete with the beauty of youth, in either men or women. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the male attention, but I also know there's so much more to me than a pretty face and a great figure. I'm sure that's the same for you. Maybe focus on your other attributes? I very much doubt you're as 'invisible' as you think you are.

At least you had it once OP, some people never have what you had. As much as I enjoyed my youth, I’d never want to go back. I’m thrilled with every passing decade. Believe me if you look around you there will always be someone looking you over, no matter what your age.

@EmmaGracemum

Well YANBU in that it’s sad how ageist society can be. Are you frequenting bars with your demographic in mind? Every place is going to have a target customer, sad though that may be, so if you feel unwelcome in the ones targeting 20-somethings, is there somewhere new you can try who will welcome you?

Go somewhere the 20 somethings can't afford to go. The carpets are less sticky and the food is better

I think an attractive 42 year old woman would still turn heads OP. You're hardly old.

DH and I have had the same experience in a bar though (one that also served food and we'd been there before) - we were completely ignored so walked out. That was in Guernsey though, not London!

@92miles

I for one am glad that I can now walk around without every man staring at me. I developed extreme self-consciousness due to being regarded as highly attractive in my late teens and twenties, and being continually observed and, well, objectified.

Yes I completely relate to that. And sometimes it made me feel very uncomfortable and even unsafe so I definitely don't miss that aspect

I'm 55 and do get that sense but I'm not so bothered what that age group thinks now. I guess I've become less shallow.

Thanks for all the replies. Just finished work and reading through them all 💐

There is a fairness to it in a way- everyone has a crack at being young. It’s the 20 and 30 somethings’ turn now. We had our time.

I love it. I feel like I can move around unseen and I have no fear of embarrassment. In my teens and twenties, I was terrified to do or say the wrong thing and now, in my 40s, my trousers could fall around my ankles and I wouldn't care. I feel I'm noticed now for my intelligence and my abilities, not how I look, and I take no nonsense. Embrace it.

I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time.

When you were young, how much did you care about people in their 40s or older?

I'm guessing you very likely gave them little thought unless they were your parents, teachers, managers or the like. Why would you expect them to be interested in you, now that you're in your 40s? And what does it matter in any case?

I kind of like it. It's a mechanism for filtering out judgemental twats at the end of the day. If they overlook me then I don't have to bother making friends with them and learning their contemptuous views.

I like being older, since today somebody tried to steamroller me in a work call and I was able to say "no, with respect, you are incorrect". I would not have had the confidence to do that, since being brought up to be a total people pleaser and to care for mes egos at all times.

Interesting. When you were in your 20s did you hang out with many 40 +year olds then? I am sorry but think the issue here is you, not them. You still expect people to stop and stare at your beauty and for 20 year olds to treat you like one of them. Despite having dc and a good career etc you seem to want everything to be about you. I am your age , and when I go to a pub/restaurant I just want to be served and treated like everyone else there. Not to be treated like the best thing since sliced bread. You need to accept you are no longer that person you described in your 20s. The sooner you accept it, the more liberating it will be for you.

Why do you care so much what other people might or might not think of you? I may well be invisible too but, to be honest, I've never noticed. Too busy enjoying being me😀

I used to feel the same. Now i am so glad not to be part of this younger generation. I have no desire to be an influencer, to be relevant or to be on tik tok. I feel quite sorry for them having so much lressure to be insta perfect tbh.
I think there is a lot to be said for being older and wiser. Now I just laugh at the thinly veiled contempt alrhough it IS infuriating. I am 43...it's not even that old. Makes you wonder how they see 80 year olds.

Pressure*

You know, I really don’t mind being invisible to younger people, it’s people my own age I care about more. I can’t say I go out of my way to notice and make a fuss of young people so maybe it works both ways.

I’m comfortable in my own skin and the only people that matter to me are my friends and family, and I’ve never been invisible amongst my colleagues either.

I wouldn’t go back to my 20s either, even though they were my best looking years. They were also my poorest, and most boring and stressful.