To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

@5128gap I'm so sorry to hear about your mother and father. You sound like a wonderful person and what lovely words, thank you for your kindness. It really gives me hope, yes I'm in the position where my family have assumed I'm there to serve them , even my mother if I went to do anything for myself. If you do x Ill be lonely etc and my family are quite happy to pawn her off on me. My fathers terminal illness has been ongoing for over a year and for sure it takes its toll mentally. I keep having nightmares where he has dies which I assume is my mind trying to somehow prepare me.

@HarlanPepper sorry to hear about your father's passing. You also sound wonderful and inspirational. I too hope to feel the level of comfort in my own skin that you speak about x

How depressing! "Invisible" when you hit 40?! Seriously?!
I became a model and actress in my late 30s after having my children.
I'm 40 now and work is so busy. I didn't have the confidence to do this in my 20s or early 30s so I have become more visible as I've gotten older.
The women in my field who I admire most are in their 40s - 60s. They exude grace, style, confidence, glamour and absolute sex appeal.
Beauty doesn't have an expiry date!

Women spend most of our lives fighting to be seen and heard - only to become "invisible" when we get to 40? No.
Ridiculous.

I'm mid 40s. I love feeling invisible. I can appreciate myself for what I can do, not how I look. - I can do a ton of stuff I couldn't do in my 20s!

Speak to other women in their 40s and older. Without exception, we're all amazing!
Find your tribe in other amazing women and love each other. You will be visible amongst them - more importantly you will be seen.

Go out and dance like no one is watching. Because no one is! It's awesome!

You're only invisible if you allow yourself to be! I'm 60, I'm pretty quiet but I certainly wasn't invisible at 40. Even now I'm not invisible.

I think what it is maybe that you were pretty cool and hip in your 20s and less so in your 40s. But you need to accept that. That can't last forever! Almost all pop singers have a window which they are "in" and popular and then lose popularity. I really don't think you should be looking for validation from people in their 20s either... But most people don't get invisible in their 40s!!! People tend to hit peaks in their career mid 40s/50s and even later! It's just that most people tend to notice people in their age group a bit more than they do other ages. And so people in their 20s won't notice you, the way they did when you were in your 20s! Also worth remembering most people in their 20s who were attractive still tend to be attractive at 40. Just look older.