To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

OP, it's brilliant that you have a really strong sense of all that you have achieved and what you have to offer. I think a good question to ask yourself is why you care what some random bar worker thinks - they don't know you, so what does it matter? You know your own worth. I think for me my forties has been a time of letting go of what other people think. That has been hugely liberating!

I think you’re attaching far too much importance to the opinions of a load of dumbass kids. I’m older than you, and I wouldn’t even notice whether 20-somethings turned around when I walk in the room. Who cares?
At a work do recently, a (significantly more junior) colleague looked me up and down and said “I have absolutely no idea who you are”. I laughed and said “that’s more of a problem for you than it is for me”.

I also agree with the previous poster that you probably have to mourn the loss of your unusual beauty/attractiveness. I can imagine that has had a huge impact on how your life has been and of course it is going to be a big adjustment if that's no longer the case - or is less so.

@Boood Ha ha! Great comeback.

While the general invisibility of middle-aged/older women is definitely a problem, the way you put it here is a bit different to that issue and quite specifically connected to you validating yourself by your looks/other people's reactions too much. You do sound quite egotistical I'm afraid. What about everyone else in the room while you were turning heads? They were presumably invisible too even though they were younger, more there to provide eyes on you than to be of interest themselves. That's how your world-view comes across, in keeping with other good-looking performer types no doubt, who all have to recalibrate at some point and realise they're not the centre of the universe and find a different way of valuing themselves. I don't really think you are invisible and irrelevant at all, you just need to stop seeking adulation in those places and to work on your own sense of self-worth quite apart from how gorgeous you are, how many men fancy you, how many heads turn etc.

I honestly couldn't give two shits what young retail staff think of me. That's one of the great pleasures of getting older, surely? Worrying less what people think of you and putting your energy into what you've realised actually matters. Meaningful relationships, absorbing pursuits etc. So while I came on thinking YANBU because of the wider issues, I do think YABU to be depressed by it from the angle you describe. That's a signal to yourself to develop beyond that blinkered youth perspective you had and embrace growing older - and growing up.

If 40+ something women are invisible, who are all these people in my yoga class? Hallucinations? Holograms?

@Boood

I think you’re attaching far too much importance to the opinions of a load of dumbass kids. I’m older than you, and I wouldn’t even notice whether 20-somethings turned around when I walk in the room. Who cares? At a work do recently, a (significantly more junior) colleague looked me up and down and said “I have absolutely no idea who you are”. I laughed and said “that’s more of a problem for you than it is for me”.

Ha good one

I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person.

And yet you're upset because people don't pay you enough attention?

I'm turning 40 this year but I can't relate, probably because I've always been plain and shy. I think you are mourning the past because you were beautiful, cool and popular. I bet you still are these things! Don't let our youth-obsessed culture take that from you.

I do have some nostalgia for the past in general, but then I look at my past specifically and cringe! You couldn't pay me to be 20 again!

I think by your age you shouldn’t really need the admiration of men and others to have value. That’s what growing up is about, maturing and having more depth to realise there’s more to life than just being hot and turning heads.

Well YANBU in that it’s sad how ageist society can be.
Are you frequenting bars with your demographic in mind? Every place is going to have a target customer, sad though that may be, so if you feel unwelcome in the ones targeting 20-somethings, is there somewhere new you can try who will welcome you?

@Boood

I think you’re attaching far too much importance to the opinions of a load of dumbass kids. I’m older than you, and I wouldn’t even notice whether 20-somethings turned around when I walk in the room. Who cares? At a work do recently, a (significantly more junior) colleague looked me up and down and said “I have absolutely no idea who you are”. I laughed and said “that’s more of a problem for you than it is for me”.

brilliant!

You aren’t hot and cool anymore. That’s the reality. When you were in your 20s how much did you notice people in their 40s? Who do you notice walk into a room now?

People are incredibly shallow, I think it’s just hitting you hard because compared to most people, you had an atypical experience of being noticed all the time.

It’s like when people who used to be famous are no longer popular and mourn it.

You are just as special as you always were, but not as many people will notice.

I admit I enjoyed male attention when I was younger but sometimes it felt intrusive. I'm happy now that's not an issue anymore. It's not me they were after, not even my looks, I've never been pretty with a hot body. The only explanation in my case was the age, I was young and looked it and that's what they liked.

I prefer it. I used to get quite a lot of attention from men and found it cringey and awkward if I wasn’t interested which I usually wasn’t. I find it freeing not having that.

I hear you OP.

I was never gorgeous but was generally well liked and never had issues with colleagues. Now I'm one of the oldest women at work, aged 45 - my colleagues seem to view me with that thinly veiled contempt you mention. I think it's part of the whole "Karen" perception of women over 40, "yawn, here she comes with her opinions"

I think I need to work with older people!

Much more confident now I’m older and I no longer care what other people think. Happier in myself than ever before after years of mental health problems. Don’t need male validation, nor do I feel invisible.

“I used to care — but things have changed.” to quote Bob Dylan. 😁

@ElftonWednesday

I'm 46 and I don't feel like that at all. I feel like people actually listen to what I say, take me seriously and are sometimes even a little intimidated, and if they are unfriendly or unwelcoming then I don't give a shit as I'm not looking for their approval.

Same here! I feel like people I work with particularly respect and seek out my opinion in a way they didn't when I was younger (if when I had something to say)

I don’t really feel like this but then I guess I’m not going to places where mainly younger people hang out maybe?
I actually feel empowered being 44. Finally I actually don’t give a fuck what strangers think of me. I have confidence in my opinions and who I am. For the first time I absolutely believe I understand more of how the world works and understand people. I understand how to manage people and why people act as they do (most of the time!)
If someone has a go at me and I believe they are not being reasonable to do so I just think they are a dickhead and move on. I’m my 20’s I was still so unsure of how everything worked and worried about doing something wrong I guess!

You miss the buzz and ego-led existence of youe 20s and 30s. I do too. But biologically, us in our 40s (I'm older than you) are no longer driven to procreate, so all of the sexy interactions and drive of our 20/30s is no longer needed. Its a harsh reality to accept, but that's why we lose our 'capital' in many social settings. It makes me sad but as someone wrote upthread, it's just something to let go of. Enjoy all of the well earned benefits of life you have now, and be grateful you experienced all that buzz in your youth as it is a of more than others ever will.

It’s liberating. Freeing. Pleasing others with my appearance (and in many other ways too) is no longer on my to do list.

I hear you OP! But my invisibility cloak didn’t really take effect until I hit 50, I too modelled in my twenties and to be honest even in to my late 40’s I still turned heads, and yes although I will get slaughtered for it I enjoyed it 🤷‍♀️, but it’s not so much that that bothers me it’s societies attitude to women over 50, in adverts I am now the target market for funeral plans with free pens for people aged 50-80! 50 year olds are classed as old people in marketing terms and we are lumped together with 80 year olds, you only have to look at and advert which says are you 50 plus? and the female model will have a short white bubble perm, I cannot relate to my so called age group at all. I’m in the Kylie and Liz club not June and her home grown cabbages! Honestly though 42 is still quite young especially if you are attractive and look after yourself, my forties were fab make the most of the winter of your youth!

It must be hard to lose the "pretty privilege" but to be honest I haven't looked or felt this good in decades and that seems to come across in everyday life.

Despite being of a certain age with my greys proudly showing I'm certainly not made to feel invisible or irrelevant...but I did spend most of my young adult days feeling that way so maybe we all get that time when we feel like we're at our stride and the world is striding with us.

I do know exactly what you mean (43), but I think I mainly hang around with people older than me so don't notice it that much. My workplace is not very 'young' which helps. Also helpful is buying nice clothes and make up now I have no kids in nursery and therefore more spare salary I do find that younger people largely ignore me though, even relatives which is a bit sad. I have never felt older than at recent large family dos.