To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

I’m mid forties and don’t feel remotely irrelevant. Anything but. Yes I don’t look like I did in my 20’s, who cares? I have a healthy body, great kids, kick ass career, am much healthier emotionally and have so much more to learn and give back.

I would perhaps look at an overhaul; mentally and physically.

I have recently worked with a personal stylist to update my wardrobe (she was amazing and didn’t cost as much as I thought she would). So my style has been updated to reflect current trends/ colours. Dated styles can age you.

I’d also look at what you read/ watch/ listen to/ even brands you shop from (zara as an example uses older models and other brands have started to follow suit). I stopped reading magazines years ago. Instead I follow some great people on Instagram - I think trinny woodhall is amazing (as an example). I also spend time listening to really amazing female thought leaders and dialling into sessions where they are speaking (the one huge plus to covid is these ‘drop in’ sessions happen with thought leaders in ways they didn’t pre covid). Just last night I listened to Adam Grant/ John amaechi have a live discussion.
Michelle Obama (becoming is an amazing read), Brene Brown, Amy Cuddy…all phenomenal women..and there are so many more out there.

Look at your vitamins. Skincare. Hydration. Exercise.

I dunno if it’s just me but I’m hugely excited for what the next few decades hold.

I agree I don’t feel irrelevant. I feel I get more respect now I’m older actually. The perve angle is gone and I’m more confident and care less what others think. Am late 40s

If I'm irrelevant to everyone between 16 & 30 then that's no big deal. It's quite a narrow band!

I'm not irrelevant to the people who matter. People behind a bar - I just smile and treat them like I would anyone else and move on. I don't really get too hung up on whether they think I'm relevant. I imagine I'm just another customer on their long shift.

@MeredithGreyishblue

If I'm irrelevant to everyone between 16 & 30 then that's no big deal. It's quite a narrow band!

I'm not irrelevant to the people who matter. People behind a bar - I just smile and treat them like I would anyone else and move on. I don't really get too hung up on whether they think I'm relevant. I imagine I'm just another customer on their long shift.

Yes, I think the people feeling ‘invisible’ must be the ones who derived their sense of their own power from their appearance when younger, and haven’t compensated by acquiring other kinds of power as they got older, types of power young people don’t typically have access to.

@Growbean

I’ve experienced this too, and really empathise with not being taken seriously as an older woman (despite professional success and spending power).

One slightly depressing theory I have is that a proportion of men never take any women seriously, whether they’re old or young, but while the women are young and hot the men are prepared to pretend. Once the women are old and less hot, there’s no value to the men in pretending and so they take the mask off. To be clear, I absolutely don’t think this is all men- my own husband is the perfect counter-example- but it’s enough to affect how women are treated as they go through the world.

Omg I completely agree with this x

Yes and why us older ones roll our eyes when young perky women declare everything is equal now 🙄

I'm 50 - I often feel invisible but then i am often irritated by young people - especially at the local gym as there are a few that are loud and obnoxious! ( soo grumpy now) Try not to get sad about it - maybe you need to find nicer places that you feel comfortable in. x

@MsTSwift

Yes and why us older ones roll our eyes when young perky women declare everything is equal now 🙄

Lol yes 😅😅 I too remember thinking along those lines when I was younger. I've had to try and explain to younger women why we still need feminism

That happened to me when I turned 50. Not helped by the fact that I had been slim
All my life. Wore heels every day and after menopause put on weight. My feet hurt and I have to wear sensible shoes now for my commute. It’s just part of life and you have to accept it. And it’s hard to loose weight in your 50s when you’re working long hours. I do sympathise with you. Just do little things to make yourself feel more confident. I’m
Sure you’re husband thinks you’re great. My partner thinks I am!

@InisnaBro maybe. I've never been the slim, pretty one. I was always the brains of the operation in my youth (ha!) So perhaps that's it. I wasn't relevant then either!

It depends what you value in yourself. If you only value your looks and youth then obviously you're setting yourself up to fail! Your looks are inevitably going to change as you get older. (Note I said "change" not "fade" or "get worse", but "change". There is nothing wrong with the ageing process. Try and normalise it.)

If you value other things about you, I think you'll do better. Family, friendships, career, financial goals, health, wellbeing, hobbies, sports, travel, charity events and volunteering. All these things can be developed and improved upon throughout your life.

Take a look at yourself and see what else there is besides your looks OP.

I imagine if you went back 20 years you would find you were one of those 20 year olds in a bar or night club not paying much attention to the couple in their 40’s sat at a table together. The reality is you are just in a different stage of life to them. Yes they are all flirting with each other and not the middle aged married couple, that’s quite normal. I would try and find joy where you are. With your Husband who no doubt finds you very attractive. The 20 somethings have problems of their own. Each stage of life has its own benefits. Don’t waste time mourning what you used to have. Enjoy this bit. You are financially stable, happily married and a mother to your children. Who cares if people eye you up anymore.

@Pandagirl71

I'm 50 - I often feel invisible but then i am often irritated by young people - especially at the local gym as there are a few that are loud and obnoxious! ( soo grumpy now) Try not to get sad about it - maybe you need to find nicer places that you feel comfortable in. x

Yes, I prefer the company of people roughly my own age.

I work at a university and younger people en masse are so tedious. I think you go through stages in your life where you talk about certain things and those conversations are so enthusing and engaging when you're having them for the first time but older people in earshot are thinking oh my God, I remember talking about that shit

I agree with you @Growbean
I think my value to the boss is not that I do the work it's that I am supportive to the younger women.

*If you value other things about you, I think you'll do better. Family, friendships, career, financial goals, health, wellbeing, hobbies, sports, travel, charity events and volunteering. All these things can be developed and improved upon throughout your life.

Take a look at yourself and see what else there is besides your looks OP.*

This does sound like a young person talking though. Wait until you have been ignored and looked at with contempt daily and you may change your mind

@Longcovid21

*If you value other things about you, I think you'll do better. Family, friendships, career, financial goals, health, wellbeing, hobbies, sports, travel, charity events and volunteering. All these things can be developed and improved upon throughout your life.

Take a look at yourself and see what else there is besides your looks OP.*

This does sound like a young person talking though. Wait until you have been ignored and looked at with contempt daily and you may change your mind

I'm not far off OP age.

I’m older than op and agree with gist of Dolphines post even if it’s some of that or different

@D0lphine

It depends what you value in yourself. If you only value your looks and youth then obviously you're setting yourself up to fail! Your looks are inevitably going to change as you get older. (Note I said "change" not "fade" or "get worse", but "change". There is nothing wrong with the ageing process. Try and normalise it.)

If you value other things about you, I think you'll do better. Family, friendships, career, financial goals, health, wellbeing, hobbies, sports, travel, charity events and volunteering. All these things can be developed and improved upon throughout your life.

Take a look at yourself and see what else there is besides your looks OP.

Its a common misconception that people who value their looks value only their looks. All the women I know who struggle with this already care about the other things you mention too. Pursuing a career, family and friends, contributing to society, hobbies, they all happen alongside being and feeling attractive. You don't trade one for the others.

Its a common misconception that people who value their looks value only their looks. All the women I know who struggle with this already care about the other things you mention too. Pursuing a career, family and friends, contributing to society, hobbies, they all happen alongside being and feeling attractive. You don't trade one for the others.

I completely get this. Taking pride in your appearance is v important to me, looking right for the right occasion, wearing certain styles and feeling fresh glowy and confident is all great stuff!

But the opinions of young people and men who aren't my DP are very low down on my list of priorities!

I think they're low down on the list because of the other things in my life and that means I'm content.

Yeah it’s a shock when it first happens. I’ve learned to embrace the invisibility of being a woman over 40. No one sees you, no one hears you. You can wear what the fuck you please, say what the fuck you please and do what the fuck you please. For you, not to impress, not to gain admiration, for no one else other than yourself.

Enjoy 😘

Believe me when I say 50 is easier because you will find your ‘ I am fabulous and don’t give a shit what you think’ persona.

You become more comfortable with yourself, accept that the power beauty alone once gave you has now changed to a more subtle influence.

You remember what it was like to be the centre of attention, now it’s someone else’s turn, but if you see that as a lovely thing for them, the passing on of the mantle of youth, it helps.

And at least you got to be one of the lucky ones, and true beauty never really disappears, I think women just forget where they hid it for a few years.

See you in 10 years!

I know how you feel. I'm turning 40 at the end of the year and dreading it. Don't know if I'm having a midlife crisis or what but feel as if I've wasted my life. Father is dying so maybe its just making me confront my own mortality I don;t know. Life can be hard sometimes x

@Vloggamammy

I know how you feel. I'm turning 40 at the end of the year and dreading it. Don't know if I'm having a midlife crisis or what but feel as if I've wasted my life. Father is dying so maybe its just making me confront my own mortality I don;t know. Life can be hard sometimes x

I'm sorry to hear about your father. It is a bit of a watershed. My mum died when I was early 30s and I think that was the point I stopped feeling like a young person. But at 40, you've only had 22 years of your adult life, and likely have 40+ years of it still in front of you, so even if you've been doing nothing but stare at the wall so far, you've plenty of time to make it up. I'm 52 and actually feel very young again after struggling a bit in my 40s. I've made huge changes in my life the last two years, really look after myself, and look and feel fabulous (and not just 'for my age' either!) I'm sure there are those who only value youth who would say I'm deluded, but I certainly don't see myself as having to step back and pass the mantel to the younger generation. I'm lovely, and visible, and have decades of experience that brings an added depth, so have as much right to my place in the sun in my 50s as i did in my 20s. There's room for us all and I hope you get through your challenging time and find yours.

I genuinely haven't found this. Physically, I might be deluding myself but I feel more attractive now at 43 than I did when I was 23. I see photos of myself from those years and I don't look at all comfortable in my skin. Otherwise, I have always been overly concerned with other people's opinions of me but that seems to be gradually lessening now, which is freeing.

@Vloggamammy I am so sorry to hear about your father. My dad died in December quite suddenly and I agree, it definitely gives you a different perspective on things. Gradually what seems to be emerging out of my grief is a sharpening focus on what really matters to me in my life now - a lot of the stuff I fretted about before seems almost farcically inconsequential. x

@Vloggamammy

I know how you feel. I'm turning 40 at the end of the year and dreading it. Don't know if I'm having a midlife crisis or what but feel as if I've wasted my life. Father is dying so maybe its just making me confront my own mortality I don;t know. Life can be hard sometimes x

Oh god I am so sorry to hear about your father x