To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

I've had the opposite - was fairly invisible in my 20s and early 30s.

Blossomed in my late 30s/early 40s and getting the most attention I've ever had - makes me uncomfortable to a certain extent.

And partly I'm like "dammit, why didn't I get this when I was younger and could take advantage of it" 🤣

Not sure what the difference is - I had to develop a "personality" when you get (not suggesting you didn't OP, but us plainer types had to develop other strategies) and then I grew into my looks plus become more comfortable with who I am.

We go through different times in our lives, no I will never be as hot or cool as I was when I was in my 20s, but it doesn't make the people who still are any better than me. Their time will come. Life is so much better when you realise that the pursuit of cool is lame and pointless, and you can leave the smug young ones to it secure in the knowledge that one day they will be you.

Wait until you’re in your fifties. It gets worse in that you become completely invisible to men.

The flip side is that you don’t give a shit and no longer put up with others peoples’ dramas. It’s actually quite liberating. I have so much confidence and don’t measure my value by my looks. My husband thinks I’m beautiful so that’s all I care about really.

You identify the balance quite well. Sounds like you had a wonderful decade or so enjoying yourself and your currency then was your ability to draw attention and have people be interested. The payoff was likely self esteem and enjoyment. Your currency has changed and now provides you stability and the ability to raise a family and excel in your career. You haven’t changed and are as of worth as you always were but I would take where you are now over the attention.

@cakeambush

I can understand what you mean OP. I'm nearly the same age as you. It might be harder for you because you're good looking - I've always been very ugly so even when I was young I was overlooked. Now I'm approaching middle age it's even worse.

I bet you haven’t been (and aren’t now)

I'm a senior academic and writer in my late 40s. I have far more power, far more reputation, far more money and far more opportunities than I had in my 20s and 30s, and my life is more rich and interesting now.

I think you're basing your self-esteem off your perception of what other people think of you. Don't you find it mildly tragic that, despite the good life you describe yourself as having, your self-esteem is bound up in your worries that a 20 year old may not think you're cool or relevant?

That seems a bit mad. Doesn't what you think of yourself matter more than what an imaginary 20 year old might think?

I guess if you attach so much value to being good looking and 'cool', then you're going to lament its absence.
I don't miss being objectified and harassed by guys, which I ensured for 20 odd years.
I've also never attached value to being attractive, sought after or 'cool'.
I think it's a bit shallow to be sad about not being the eye candy you apparently were of yesteryear.

I think there are some really inspirational replies here! I went through similar a few years ago (I'm almost 46 now) and it was hard, but I've always had low self esteem. Actually ageing and life experience has actually improved my confidence when I look at it through a slightly different lens and that’s worth far more than retaining looks imo.

As someone else said, people are incredibly shallow, and I'd add to that, mostly self-obsessed too so are highly unlikely to spend much time thinking about anything beyond their sphere of experience.

I'm nearly 50. If it's any consolation or gives you something thing to look forward to,I can reliably inform you that my grandkids think I'm cool as penguin whizz. I'm the metal head granny who was in a band and still listens to crazy music, wears big boots and knows all the best swear words.

I think I'd look at things another way op. You're being nostalgic and miss how you felt in those days. But imagine how you'd feel if you never had those experiences or made anything of yourself. You'd be sat there today wishing you'd lived your life differently and be full of regret x

I feel it now as I am nearly 50 but never felt it at 42 and TBH it doesn't bother me so much anymore what random strangers in a bar think of me.
But I can understand where you are coming from as you were quite popular and attractive. I think maybe I was always ordinary so it doesn't really bother me so much.
I do however hate it when my doctor or people in the workplace see me as invisible. That really annoys me.

I'm not convinced it's an age thing. I think it's more about 'vibes'.

I'm 42 in April and I don't care what younger people think of me tbh.

@ElftonWednesday

I'm 46 and I don't feel like that at all. I feel like people actually listen to what I say, take me seriously and are sometimes even a little intimidated, and if they are unfriendly or unwelcoming then I don't give a shit as I'm not looking for their approval.

I agree with this. At 43 I feel (and maybe even look) better than ever.

I think it comes from within.

@Boood

I think you’re attaching far too much importance to the opinions of a load of dumbass kids. I’m older than you, and I wouldn’t even notice whether 20-somethings turned around when I walk in the room. Who cares? At a work do recently, a (significantly more junior) colleague looked me up and down and said “I have absolutely no idea who you are”. I laughed and said “that’s more of a problem for you than it is for me”.

Hahaha I bloody love this 👌👏

TBH, I never welcomed men looking me up and down. It does still happen now, but less often than it did. If I get bad service I will take my custom elsewhere. There are plenty of bars and restaurants around and on the very rare occasion service has been awful I can write a quite stinging review. I am not sure bad service is constrained to us. In some places my DH has similarly felt invisible at the bar.

I'm sure that being 42 doesn't make you any less physically attractive. Men might be less likely to tell you they find you attractive these days because (hopefully) they have grown up a bit as well. And you are still you - I bet others still think you are cool, I would absolutely love to be talented enough musically to have been in a band - can you not still keep that going? That sets you apart and makes you instantly interesting no matter your age imo.
I'm 42 and can tell you if I met you I would be instantly impressed that you had been a model and been in a band and you would still be cool in my eyes!
I love being in my 40's - I still feel attractive, enjoy my job, have a great social life now my kids are a bit older and am far more confident in myself than I ever was in my 20's and 30's. My sex drive seems to have waned a bit which is the thing I am really sad about, the declining oestrogen or whatever definitely changes the way I feel about myself to some extent.

I agree that the answer is partially to devalue the opinions of a load of youngsters. That isn't meant to sound disparaging but I value the good approval of people my own age more. Roughly my own age.

I think it's helpful to categorise areas of your life in to ''can be affected or curtailed by other people'' and ''cannot be curtailed by other people''.

I realised that a lot of the things I liked to do could not be diminished by other people. Simple stuff, going for walks, art and crafts, reading, ''home making'' (aka, tidying up! )

m.youtube.com/watch?v=O4QzHeUE-CM

Sounds like it's all in your head. You're not invisible. You have strengths and talents. So go and use them.

You listed a bunch of amazing things in your life but your depressed because you don’t turn heads when you walk in a room anymore? Oh boohoo. How awful.

You say you have so much to offer but feel invisible. How can anyone see you have so much to offer just from you walking in a room? Why do the 20 somethings in a bar care that you’re “somewhat intelligent and raised 3 DC”?

Do you think an attractive 20 year old woman is taken seriously in the office compared to a 40 year old woman? I’m sure she feels invisible in that situation.

If you want a younger model then I wish you well sweatpea!

Ah, mate, I get that it can be tough to kind of re-think yourself. But honestly, it is SO LIBERATING.

It's like having a sudden superpower. Two, actually: invisibility, and super-not-giving-a-monkey's.

I refuse to be judged by young ageist whippets.

I can really resonate with this.

When I was young, I was stunning. If I walked in to a bar, every man stared at me. I know it sounds big headed, but that's the truth. I did not play the field - I married my first boyfriend and wasted my youth on him!

I'm 52 now, and whilst I look okay for my age, the stares have long stopped and it is kind of depressing. I still have lovely teeth, and long thick blonde hair, but my eyes are now a bit hooded and I'm getting jowls. I could probably pass for 45, but dammit, I want to look like I used to!

What can you do?

I am very fulfilled in other ways, and that will have to be enough!

I earn good money working for myself. The mortgage is almost paid off. I have a lovely 2nd DH. My kids are grown up and have left home - they both have great jobs and lovely partners. I have amazing holidays (pre covid of course).

I do recall my Mum saying that she noticed that as she got older, men would do a double take, as she looked okay from a distance, then they would see that she was old and look away. My Mum in her hey day was one of the most striking women I've ever seen. She was always sad about that.

Did you ever hear the Suncreen song by Baz Luhrmann? Just about sums this up, I reckon.

Btw I'm 43 and in a senior role. I feel like people acsribe far more credibility to my opinons than I deserve. The opposite of invisible.
Looks, I dunno. I don't really care if men are attracted to me. I think they possibly are, some of them. Who cares what they think.