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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by MIL & others, helping Ss's DM

253 replies

Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:23

MIL & GMIL are forever helping her, they say its because of SS, but they will help with things that wont even effect SS.

I get they can do what they want and its their time/money etc etc but...

I am also a mother of their S's child as well as the DP, it just feels like they are not being considerate of my feelings.

It does make me feel hurt, it's as if they care more about her.

IMO they of course should maintain a good relationship with the mother of their GS but they go above and beyond which she now relies on, and it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs.

Too much to ask?

Im sure I will get a tonne of abuse for this, but it honestly upsets me.

OP posts:
VariationsonaTheme · 31/01/2022 10:25

Yes, it’s too much to ask. She’s a part of their lives as much as you are!

BurningTheClocks · 31/01/2022 10:27

You sound immature and insecure.
Are they being rude, unkind or neglectful of you and your child?
Or are you just finding it hard to share?
Why should it be a case of either/or and how is them helping her being inconsiderate of your feelings?

Original poster
Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:27

@VariationsonaTheme

Yes, it’s too much to ask. She’s a part of their lives as much as you are!
Thats the thing, she is a part of their lives yes, but not as much as me.

They are doing far too much and it's insensitive

OP posts:
MindyStClaire · 31/01/2022 10:28

I think that's really nice of them. So many separations are bitter and damage the children, that sounds like everyone's being a grown up which can only be good for the DC involved.

Original poster
Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:28

@BurningTheClocks

You sound immature and insecure. Are they being rude, unkind or neglectful of you and your child? Or are you just finding it hard to share? Why should it be a case of either/or and how is them helping her being inconsiderate of your feelings?
I didn't say it's either or Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:29

@MindyStClaire

I think that's really nice of them. So many separations are bitter and damage the children, that sounds like everyone's being a grown up which can only be good for the DC involved.
I fully agree that they should be friendly etc, and that's all I would want for my SS's sake too.

Im just purely referring to them going above and beyond which feels like overstepping.

DP agrees they do far too much

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/01/2022 10:30

It is not about you. They are supporting their grandchild by supporting his mother.

It does not mean they prefer her to you.

Santahasjoinedww · 31/01/2022 10:30

Sadly the quicker you accept life is unfair the better for you. My ils did absolutely nothing for me /dh /our dc. Sil +her dc however a very different story.
I backed away and took my dc with me x

Horst · 31/01/2022 10:30

What you mean is you want more and it’s not fair.

It’s also not fair that SS doesn’t get to live with both parents while your child does. Goes both ways op.

Just because she’s an ex the child still exists, they are still family and it’s actually lovely to hear of a man’s family who hasn’t dropped the ex and child like a steaming turd as soon as they split.

You should be thankful I’m sure you’d like the same support if you two ever split which with this jealousy could become likely.

Tohaveandtohold · 31/01/2022 10:31

You’re being unreasonable, it’s their help, their time and they can give it to whoever they want, in this case, the mother of their grandson.
Maybe they like her, if it was a long term relationship and she made a lot of difference to their lives when she was together with their son, I don’t see why they now have to cut her out completely just because she’s no longer together with their son.
I understand how you feel though but they’ve not done anything wrong.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/01/2022 10:31

DP agrees they do far too much

Please do not be stirring up trouble. Maybe ask whether your DP is doing enough.

SilverGlassHare · 31/01/2022 10:32

They can do what they like, surely? They’re adults with agency of their own. Would you object if they were helping out a neighbour? Or a family friend? Presumably they like her and enjoy helping her out.

Winter2020 · 31/01/2022 10:32

Surely you have your partner to rely on so don't need to rely on the in laws as much?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 31/01/2022 10:33

Grow up.

GreenTeaMom · 31/01/2022 10:34

Yes you are being unreasonable - you sound extremely difficult, petty, not a nice person and jealous if I’m being completely honest. How they help the mother of their GC is NONE of your business. Grow up.

3scape · 31/01/2022 10:34

You need to ignore what they do for others and limit your reflection to your relationship with them. I don't see how it is insensitive to you. You are separately in their lives. You're also (presumably) not likely to go anywhere, it isn't unusual for children with separate parents to see significantly less of wider family on one side, or even both, because of how the adults involved behave.
Them going out of their way creates a bond and friendship separate to any sense of obligation. It's very wise of them.

They've also presumably known her longer.

Original poster
Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:35

@TheYearOfSmallThings

DP agrees they do far too much

Please do not be stirring up trouble. Maybe ask whether your DP is doing enough.

How on earth am I doing that?

How do you know he hasn't suggested it first

OP posts:
BurningTheClocks · 31/01/2022 10:35

@MindyStClaire

I think that's really nice of them. So many separations are bitter and damage the children, that sounds like everyone's being a grown up which can only be good for the DC involved.
Exactly.
Original poster
Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:37

@Horst

What you mean is you want more and it’s not fair.

It’s also not fair that SS doesn’t get to live with both parents while your child does. Goes both ways op.

Just because she’s an ex the child still exists, they are still family and it’s actually lovely to hear of a man’s family who hasn’t dropped the ex and child like a steaming turd as soon as they split.

You should be thankful I’m sure you’d like the same support if you two ever split which with this jealousy could become likely.

I have a child who doesnt live with both his parents either. So we are not loads better off!
OP posts:
BurningTheClocks · 31/01/2022 10:37

@GreenTeaMom

Yes you are being unreasonable - you sound extremely difficult, petty, not a nice person and jealous if I’m being completely honest. How they help the mother of their GC is NONE of your business. Grow up.
Maybe they do prefer the ex. How old are the children involved, and how long have you been the new girlfriend?
Original poster
Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:38

For the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex

OP posts:
Original poster
Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:39

They were together all of a year! Hardly a huge bond formed, that being said SS is a teen.

We have been together over 5 years

OP posts:
Thegirlinthewindow · 31/01/2022 10:39

What kind of things do they do for her that they don’t do for you?

GreenTeaMom · 31/01/2022 10:39

@Sittingatawindow

For the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex
@Sittingatawindow and now you’re calling her a victim? Honestly you sound ridiculous and if I was her I would HATE for someone with your mentality to be involved in my child’s life! I bet the ex is a lot more pleasant than you so I don’t blame them for helping her more! You nasty woman.
Skeumorph · 31/01/2022 10:40

They are afraid she will create distance between them and SS.

She has the power to do that, despite their son having equal 'rights'.

So they are keeping on side.

That will 100% be driving a lot of this.

Try and remember that and it might make it easier.

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