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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by MIL & others, helping Ss's DM

253 replies

Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:23

MIL & GMIL are forever helping her, they say its because of SS, but they will help with things that wont even effect SS.

I get they can do what they want and its their time/money etc etc but...

I am also a mother of their S's child as well as the DP, it just feels like they are not being considerate of my feelings.

It does make me feel hurt, it's as if they care more about her.

IMO they of course should maintain a good relationship with the mother of their GS but they go above and beyond which she now relies on, and it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs.

Too much to ask?

Im sure I will get a tonne of abuse for this, but it honestly upsets me.

OP posts:
Tattler2 · 31/01/2022 12:36

OP, people get to determine how much of an investment they wish to make in any relationship. They also get to determine how meaningful each relationship is to them. Your partner cannot determine how much is too much for his mom and grandmother to invest in a relationship with his ex. That is solely a decision for them to make. You would not appreciate them telling him how to conduct his relationship with you, and it is equally inappropriate for either of you to attempt to place your personal boundaries around their relationship with his ex.

Divorce or break up severed his relationship with the ex; your partner was not given custody of his parents or grandparents parents feelings in the divorce settlement.

They may like you, and they may also like the ex. It is possible that they feel the same about the 2 of you or they may even like her more than they like you. Those are all personal feelings ,and no one gets to dictate the personal feelings of others.

Develop and evolve your relationship with the MIl and GMIL and forget about their relationships with anyone else. Stay in your lane and allow them ti.navigate their lanes

Viviennemary · 31/01/2022 12:36

Too many initials. Who are these people.

GreenTeaMom · 31/01/2022 12:36

@QuirkyTurtle

Aw bless you OP. Being a stepmother is hard, especially on Mumsnet where you're viewed as the devil from the start.

This would bother me too. My mother and father in law are very respectful of mine and SO's feelings, and understand the complexities involved with being a stepmum. If my stepson's mother asks them for any favours, they will always text me first to let me know, and if it's something bigger, to ask if it's OK with me. You are their family now. Their grandchildren are their family, but their son's ex is not.

I think this is how it should be and I'm lucky, but my situation is different from yours entirely so I can see why not all people see it that way.

@QuirkyTurtle they are adults and have their own relationships with people, why do they need to let you know or ask your permission? Literally nothing to do with you in the slightest.
BABAHOTEL · 31/01/2022 12:37

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
What made your DH have a child with her? Why hasn't he applied for full custody?

unname · 31/01/2022 12:38

Just have your DP ask them to stop mentioning it. It’s really not to her business and nothing to do with you.

KurtWilde · 31/01/2022 12:39

I'm a step mum 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't base my opinion of people on that status. I base it on whether someone is being unreasonable or not, regardless of who they are. And OP is being unreasonable to think it has anything to do with her what other people choose to do with their time.

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 12:39

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

Well, yes you are.

If what you’ve said is remotely accurate then your step son is being neglected by his mother.

Rather than focussing on that you’re in a massive huff and think that two of the caring adults in his life should do less things to make his life better.

That’s a beyond shitty attitude.

QuirkyTurtle · 31/01/2022 12:40

@GreenTeaMom
It's got everything to do with me actually! I am raising their grandson 50% of the time, because I love their son and treat their grandson like my own. They are welcome to have the relationships they want, and I appreciate very much that they are respectful enough of me and my SO to let us know what's going on.

Thankfully we have a good relationship with my stepson's mother, but if things were different, it would affect our family dynamics quite a bit. So again, I don't think they HAVE to ask me for anything, but it's respectful to me and if things were different I probably wouldn't have such a positive relationship with my PIL and stepson's mum.

whitebarn · 31/01/2022 12:40

@Crunchymum

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids

IF this is true, then your DP needs to be going through the courts for custody!

I agree - surely if life is so bad for his DC there, he would want them to live with him and be safe?
MrFsAunt · 31/01/2022 12:41

JustLyra 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

GreenTeaMom · 31/01/2022 12:41

[quote QuirkyTurtle]@GreenTeaMom
It's got everything to do with me actually! I am raising their grandson 50% of the time, because I love their son and treat their grandson like my own. They are welcome to have the relationships they want, and I appreciate very much that they are respectful enough of me and my SO to let us know what's going on.

Thankfully we have a good relationship with my stepson's mother, but if things were different, it would affect our family dynamics quite a bit. So again, I don't think they HAVE to ask me for anything, but it's respectful to me and if things were different I probably wouldn't have such a positive relationship with my PIL and stepson's mum.[/quote]
@QuirkyTurtle it has nothing to do with you.

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 12:42

@QuirkyTurtle

Aw bless you OP. Being a stepmother is hard, especially on Mumsnet where you're viewed as the devil from the start.

This would bother me too. My mother and father in law are very respectful of mine and SO's feelings, and understand the complexities involved with being a stepmum. If my stepson's mother asks them for any favours, they will always text me first to let me know, and if it's something bigger, to ask if it's OK with me. You are their family now. Their grandchildren are their family, but their son's ex is not.

I think this is how it should be and I'm lucky, but my situation is different from yours entirely so I can see why not all people see it that way.

It would bother you that people were stepping into a situation where your step child was being neglected (as the op has stated)

Really? You think in laws should ask permission in that circumstance?

QuirkyTurtle · 31/01/2022 12:42

OK I can see you don't agree and that's fine @GreenTeaMom.

User310 · 31/01/2022 12:43

Op, you’ve already answered your own question, you don’t need the help, she does.

She obviously relies on the support and they are part of her support system. I can understand it upsets you but in the nicest was possible, you are being possessive. This is part and parcel of having step families.

QuirkyTurtle · 31/01/2022 12:44

@JustLyra to be honest I didn't read the full thread! If my stepson was being neglected then of course I would expect them to help but again they would probably let me know? In any case, that would never happen because it would be SO and I who stepped in to help so my PIL didn't have to!

Apologies if I misread or misunderstood something.

DiddyHeck · 31/01/2022 12:44

@QuirkyTurtle

Aw bless you OP. Being a stepmother is hard, especially on Mumsnet where you're viewed as the devil from the start.

This would bother me too. My mother and father in law are very respectful of mine and SO's feelings, and understand the complexities involved with being a stepmum. If my stepson's mother asks them for any favours, they will always text me first to let me know, and if it's something bigger, to ask if it's OK with me. You are their family now. Their grandchildren are their family, but their son's ex is not.

I think this is how it should be and I'm lucky, but my situation is different from yours entirely so I can see why not all people see it that way.

If my stepson's mother asks them for any favours, they will always text me first to let me know, and if it's something bigger, to ask if it's OK with me.

I take it you didn't nip that in the bud immediately and tell them it's absolutely none of your business and that they don't need to be seeking your permission?

No, thought not...

TabithaHazel · 31/01/2022 12:44

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
Sounds like she is a vulnerable person, so good for your partner's family for being kind to her.

You haven’t really given any as to what the unfair treatment consists of so none of us can really say if you are being unreasonable or not.

steff13 · 31/01/2022 12:45

DP agrees they do far too much

Their relationship with her is separate from you and him. It's not really for either of you to say what's too much.

QuirkyTurtle · 31/01/2022 12:46

@DiddyHeck No of course they don't NEED to ask for permission. Usually they don't, they just let me know what's going on. I appreciate that everyone involved in this family (parents-in-law, SO, stepson's mother and her partner) acknowledge that we all need to be on the same page for this to work as positively as it is.

DiddyHeck · 31/01/2022 12:47

[quote QuirkyTurtle]@GreenTeaMom
It's got everything to do with me actually! I am raising their grandson 50% of the time, because I love their son and treat their grandson like my own. They are welcome to have the relationships they want, and I appreciate very much that they are respectful enough of me and my SO to let us know what's going on.

Thankfully we have a good relationship with my stepson's mother, but if things were different, it would affect our family dynamics quite a bit. So again, I don't think they HAVE to ask me for anything, but it's respectful to me and if things were different I probably wouldn't have such a positive relationship with my PIL and stepson's mum.[/quote]
Their relationship with her is literally none of your business, no matter who's raising their grandchild.

but it's respectful to me and if things were different I probably wouldn't have such a positive relationship with my PIL and stepson's mum.

So your PILs are doing it out of fear of upsetting you. I can't believe you're ok with that Hmm

QuirkyTurtle · 31/01/2022 12:49

@DiddyHeck

I do the same for other people involved. For example, the first time we took my stepson to the zoo (he's 2), we texted his mum to say 'We are planning to take him to the zoo. Just want to let you know and see whether this is something that YOU wanted to do for the first time, and if it is, we will find something else to do."

Not out of 'fear' of upsetting her, but because I genuinely do not want to upset another person I have a good relationship with if I don't need to. We don't need to ask for her permission to do anything on our custody time, or even let her know. But I find that it is the respectful thing to do, and she agrees.

Although I do now realise that my situation is entirely different from what is discussed in this thread so not really relevent.

jeaux90 · 31/01/2022 12:50

OP do you know internalised misogyny is a thing?

Why is your DP not doing more?
Why are you resentful of her having help?
Why are you resentful of her being a single parent or co-parent?
Why are you resentful of her relationship with the ILs?

I think this whole situation says a lot more about you and your DP than her.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2022 12:51

If my stepson's mother asks them for any favours, they will always text me first to let me know, and if it's something bigger, to ask if it's OK with me.
Hang on.
So if the mother of their grandchild asks for a favour they don't use their own initiative, they don't even ask their son, but they call and ask the current wife if they're permitted to help their own grandchild?

I'd assume from this you're a bloody nightmare and they're worried you'll stop them seeing their other grandkids / son if the princess is upset

Wife2b · 31/01/2022 12:52

It’s difficult to comment without context. What are they doing for her? And if it’s bordering on neglect as you say, are SS involved? It sounds like she needs the support for the benefit of the children.

Glitterygreen · 31/01/2022 12:52

I think people are being harsh. It is very hard to be in a relationship with an ex in the picture, even via the in-laws. It is genuinely tough and I don't think most would like it.

OP is entitled to have feelings about it. She is not going to her MIL and demanding that she doesn't speak to ex any more. She is just sharing her own feelings.