To feel hurt by MIL & others, helping Ss's DM

[Sittingatawindow]

MIL & GMIL are forever helping her, they say its because of SS, but they will help with things that wont even effect SS.

I get they can do what they want and its their time/money etc etc but...

I am also a mother of their S's child as well as the DP, it just feels like they are not being considerate of my feelings.

It does make me feel hurt, it's as if they care more about her.

IMO they of course should maintain a good relationship with the mother of their GS but they go above and beyond which she now relies on, and it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs.

Too much to ask?

Im sure I will get a tonne of abuse for this, but it honestly upsets me.

What is upsetting you?

What are you wanting your IL's to do?

If it is to cut ties or refuse to be involved with your H's ex then you are very unreasonable. People can choose who they want to be friendly with and spend their time and energy on.

How is their involvement with the ex affecting you directly?

@Sittingatawindow

For the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex

What! So you don’t need/want help from them but are annoyed they are helping someone else? That’s actually really weird. Would you be annoyed if they were spending a lot of time say volunteering for a charity, or is it just this woman you don’t like?

So your MIL and GMIL should step back and allow further neglect to happen? You've no idea how difficult it is to not get involved so that the children are slightly protected from their car crash parent. Whatever they do for the Mother does give the children an easier ride. Has your DP always had 50/50 residency? You are being very churlish towards children.

I feel riled by the 'constant stream of men, children by different men' misogynist post and wonder would your DP have been part of that 'constant stream of me' and on of the 'different men'? He sounds like a prince and a good match for you?

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

If this is true, it sounds like those children need as much support and stability in their lives as they can get.

And this does beg the question - if your stepson is being neglected, left alone, endangered, deprived; what is his father doing about it?

They'll be doing it indirectly for DSS - it's not actually about your or her but their DGC. I don't think you (or your DH) stewing about this will be helping anyone. Be thankful they are kind and caring people and get on with your lives

@BikiniB0tt0m

Think of Lo like Arthur and Star if they inlaws and go where allowed to help more by the parents then perhaps the story would be difficult. Your SS is in a vulnerable position and his GP are doing the right thing by keeping a close eye on him even if it means offering more help them is usual

Eh?

Oh dear. OP you're not coming across well here. It's not up to yo he to gatekeep your inlaws involvement with the ex and their grandson/nephew. It sounds to me like you think they shouldn't have bothered keeping in constant at all seeing as 'it's was only a year so hardly a strong bond'

Clearly your DH was bonded enough to get her pregnant.

@Sittingatawindow

For the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex

You sound very angry and “victim ex” is just spiteful language. It’s a grandparent supporting their grandchild’s upbringing.

If you’re prone to be envious, this maybe wasn’t the best relationship for you to choose.

But you said you don’t want or need their help, so I don’t know what the problem is, unless you’re just being jealous?

You sound quite insecure OP but in your shoes I think I might feel the same. You won’t want to hear this but:

And this does beg the question - if your stepson is being neglected, left alone, endangered, deprived; what is his father doing about it?

Does sound like your DH needs to step up. Could you have SS live with you more?

Bloody hell, you’d hate me! When I divorced my ex almost 30 years ago (we didn’t have kids) my MIL said to me “it’s you and him splitting, not you and us don’t be a stranger, and because we live locally I see her from time to time.

Grow up!

One day you might be in her position and feel grateful that they have a good relationship with both the ex and the ss. You might be like ex.

What are they doing that you think is too much? Examples?

@Sittingatawindow if she is that bad of a mother firstly why not mention it in your OP and second of all, how shit is your DH if he is happy to leave his child with her for all of these years?

Chances are, she isn’t a bad mum, and you’re only throwing these new accusations out there because people aren’t agreeing with you.

Petty, petty, petty.

If your DP left you, would you not be grateful if his family continued to support you rather than complete snub you in favour of his new partner?

Like other posters, I'm still close with my ex-inlaws too. Closer than they are with my ex actually! They've always made it plain that even though we've been split for years, I'm still family.

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
Sounds like she needs the help then.

You need to get over this.

How much support do you get from your DH?
Sometimes we tend to blame women for stuff but really it's because we don't want to blame the 'man'.
Because if we blame him the reality of the situation is exposed.
We often see this on here where a man has an affair and the wife goes after the 'other woman' instead of her husband.

Also because your Step child is a male as well there seems to be a lot of pandering to men's needs going on.

Sounds like this other woman needs a lot of support.
They don't see you needing a lot of support.

But everyone needs support.
So (1) you don't feel supported and (2) why do you not feel supported enough? And maybe MIL and GMIL's support of the other woman may be little or nothing to do with you not feeling supported.

I could be very wrong about this not knowing the full story.

Maybe she needs more help than you? My sil used to harp on about how I got more help from my mum. I was a single mum working 50 hour week and lived 5 mins away. She was the wife of my wealthy brother and did not work. She didn't need my mum to drive an hour round trip to collect her kids from brownies so she could do yoga 🙄

You sound bitter and very jealous.
How lovely the il's are still involved with gs mum. She has probably needed support at certain times.
So many stories of ex's families cutting off ties, your il's sound very nice.

If your description of this woman's life is accurate then it's a really good thing your SS's wider family is heavily involved in his life. Good for them.

Absolutely fuck all to do with you.

Maybe they just prefer her to you?

Hellofrostymorning

Am I the only one struggling with the acronyms on the OP's posts?.

@BikiniB0tt0m

No you are not...I though SS was social services and got really confused confused but it's step son and DM? Darling mum?!! Not sure why she is calling her darling mum.

Thanks BB... Glad it's not just me!

Aw bless you OP. Being a stepmother is hard, especially on Mumsnet where you're viewed as the devil from the start.

This would bother me too. My mother and father in law are very respectful of mine and SO's feelings, and understand the complexities involved with being a stepmum. If my stepson's mother asks them for any favours, they will always text me first to let me know, and if it's something bigger, to ask if it's OK with me. You are their family now. Their grandchildren are their family, but their son's ex is not.

I think this is how it should be and I'm lucky, but my situation is different from yours entirely so I can see why not all people see it that way.

Basically op, what it boils down to here is that you are insecure and jealous.
If you were secure in your position within the family, you would not have an issue with them helping and supporting her and her dc.
Everyone can see it.