Page 10 | To feel hurt by MIL & others, helping Ss's DM

Sittingatawindow · 2022-01-31T10:23:49+00:00

MIL & GMIL are forever helping her, they say its because of SS, but they will help with things that wont even effect SS. I get they can do what they want and its their time/money etc etc but... I am also a mother of their S's child as well as the DP, it just feels like they are not being considerate of my feelings. It does make me feel hurt, it's as if they care more about her. IMO they of course should maintain a good relationship with the mother of their GS but they go above and beyond which she now relies on, and it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs. Too much to ask? Im sure I will get a tonne of abuse for this, but it honestly upsets me.

NRRK28 · 31/01/2022 15:52

Omg grow up. Its your choice to be in relationship with man who have other kids with another woman. You should accept and stop being petty. Imagine who that kid feel. He is not living with both their parent but your kid is. Omg. You are being selfish

Tomeeornottomee · 31/01/2022 16:05

It’s not up to you to decide what’s above and beyond. She is the mother of their GC and therefore down to them how much or little they decide to interact with her.

Zombiemum1946 · 31/01/2022 16:06

Yabu. The relationship with the ex is clearly close and strong be glad for the ssthat this is the case. . Focus on developing your own relationship with the in laws, it will be different from the ex but hopefully close.

Zombiemum1946 · 31/01/2022 16:10

Having just seen your update about the ex and the children being neglected, that would explain why she supposedly gets so much help. This is about the children suffering not really the ex. Are social services involved ?

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 16:40

@SnowWhitesSM

Honestly it's bullshit.

My amazing paternal grandparents stepped up massively for my and my siblings. I lived with them for a while in my teens, they took my brother to rugby training and matches x2 a week. Had us all round for dinner 1x a week. Babysat and paid for things like school uniform ect - even though my mum had an affair with my dad's best mate and kicked him out. My grandparents are really amazing.

You know, they were/are (my grandad is now dead) also amazing grandparents to my cousin who's parents were stable. The support they gave to give me and my siblings witb adding some stability in our very chaotic lives did not take away from my cousin. They also picked him up from school once a week, babysat for his parents so they could go away for long weekends, paid for his uniform as they were paying for ours (even though his parents didn't need that financial support they did that so it was fair). They didn't like football so didn't see his football matches but they contributed the same amount as what they did for my brothers rugby and went to see his plays instead of his matches.

And you know what - my lovely nan in her old age gets a ton of company and support. Me, my brother and my cousin see her loads. She doesn't go a day without seeing one of us. She's disabled now and can't drive or a do a lot of housework. We work it out between us all to do her shopping, walk her dog and spend loads of time between us all with her.

What you put out you will receive. There isn't an excuse imo to not be fair to everyone. If OP is feeling left out then maybe she and her dc are actually being left out.

Labelling someone else’s experience as bullshit, when they’ve detailed their abusive childhood, just because it differs from yours is a pretty low thing to do.

SnowWhitesSM · 31/01/2022 16:45

No it's not. There is no reason why the paternal grandparents are favouring one dc over another. I detailed my experience to show that actually some people can and do balance different needs in a family in a fair way.

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 16:49

@SnowWhitesSM

No it's not. There is no reason why the paternal grandparents are favouring one dc over another. I detailed my experience to show that actually some people can and do balance different needs in a family in a fair way.

And my situation shows why sometimes it has to be different.

You can disagree, but labelling my childhood as bullshit is downright fucking offensive.

Your experience is that, your experience, others have different ones. That doesn’t make theirs bullshit.

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 16:51

Also the op isn’t even whinging about her child, she’s whinging about herself. Which rather says it all

Happierthanever91 · 31/01/2022 16:54

I get it can make you feel a bit insecure if your MIL is still close to your DP ex but bad mouthing her is ridiculous and it's just making you sound jealous and mean.

I'm still close with my ex's Mum and whole family and I don't find that weird at all. If it isn't affecting your relationship with DP then just let it go.

SnowWhitesSM · 31/01/2022 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/01/2022 16:58

Does this mean that your eldest child's GPs don't really give a shit about you?

It's crap if that is the case - but it doesn't mean that everybody should treat their son's ex with the same distain/dislike/disinterest.

5keletor · 31/01/2022 17:10

So OP, what does that say about you, the women who choose to have a child with the man who also has a child with this woman who has so many children by different fathers, according to you?

The above is just going by your logic, because you seem hellbent on painting her in a bad light. I'm glad his family are stepping up to help, why won't he? Or are the stories he's told you about how she's such a terrible mum and person to try to excuse himself? If it really is that bad, why do you begrudge those kids having so much extra family support to improve their lives?

You sound very bitter and jealous, if this were me I'd be asking my DP why he wasn't helping as much when his child was involved and wouldn't be impressed at having to prompt him to step up.

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

saraclara · 31/01/2022 17:30

OP has yet to tell us what MIL does for the teenaged DGS that she doesn't do for OP's child.

If Stepson goes without (whether it's practically or emotionally) and MIL tops up, then that's okay, assuming that OP's DS has what he needs. It's about equity not equality. And of course a teenager's needs are very different, so the attention will be different.
If MIL is as affectionate with both, then I don't think OP has much to complain about. But until OP gives more detail, it's hard to say what's going on.

SnowWhitesSM · 31/01/2022 17:31

I'm the vile one? For being able to see why the step mum feels upset and to call out the bullshit (it is bullshit) on this thread where posters are piling into the OP and making her feel even worse about herself? No, I'm really not.

Lots of people can balance their families different needs. The OPS needs and the other dgc needs matter too. The MIL could include everyone and treat everyone a bit more fairly. That doesn't take away from ss, that adds to dgc lives.

This MIL isn't your gran, you are projecting quite a bit rather than using your experience as a different way to do something that works for everyone. You're using your experience as a way to justify why MIL is neglecting her other dgc and family relationships.

AnakinthePadawhine · 31/01/2022 17:37

@SnowWhitesSM

I'm the vile one? For being able to see why the step mum feels upset and to call out the bullshit (it is bullshit) on this thread where posters are piling into the OP and making her feel even worse about herself? No, I'm really not.

Lots of people can balance their families different needs. The OPS needs and the other dgc needs matter too. The MIL could include everyone and treat everyone a bit more fairly. That doesn't take away from ss, that adds to dgc lives.

This MIL isn't your gran, you are projecting quite a bit rather than using your experience as a different way to do something that works for everyone. You're using your experience as a way to justify why MIL is neglecting her other dgc and family relationships.

But the thing is OP is very clear that she does not need help, neither do her child. However, the ex does, and most of all, the most important really, so does the step son. In this case, Op's little feelings really do not matter. The MIL and GMIL are being good people to people that need it.

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 17:39

@SnowWhitesSM

I'm the vile one? For being able to see why the step mum feels upset and to call out the bullshit (it is bullshit) on this thread where posters are piling into the OP and making her feel even worse about herself? No, I'm really not.

Lots of people can balance their families different needs. The OPS needs and the other dgc needs matter too. The MIL could include everyone and treat everyone a bit more fairly. That doesn't take away from ss, that adds to dgc lives.

This MIL isn't your gran, you are projecting quite a bit rather than using your experience as a different way to do something that works for everyone. You're using your experience as a way to justify why MIL is neglecting her other dgc and family relationships.

There’s nothing to say that the Grandmother is neglecting the OPs child.

The Op is whinging about her not getting as much attention as the mother of the other child.

There’s actually very little about the children. Even the fact the step son is neglected was an after thought to the whinging.

Your comments about my childhood and calling of my grandparents is very clear and says plenty about you.

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 17:43

Thats the thing, she is a part of their lives yes, but not as much as me.

They are doing far too much and it's insensitive

No mention of the children.
No mention of the neglected step son.

All about the OP and her hurt feelings…

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 17:48

it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs.

Nicer for who? You?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 17:52

@JustLyra

Thats the thing, she is a part of their lives yes, but not as much as me.

They are doing far too much and it's insensitive

No mention of the children.
No mention of the neglected step son.

All about the OP and her hurt feelings…

Yeah this.

SnowWhitesSM · 31/01/2022 17:52

The OP is allowed to have hurt feelings. She says MIl doesn't help her like she helps ex and when she talks about help, she talks about dc help.

I haven't had this issue. I get on great with my dcs gran, and I got on great with my ex H mum and she had a relationship with hs ex. But I was a step mum and I have every sympathy for the OPS feelings. When you feel you don't belong it's not very nice. Being piled on by almost every poster telling her she's horrible and jealous is pretty vile imo.

Jealousy doesn't come out of nowhere. I would firstly assume the OP is a nice person and just wants to feel included and doesn't. Otherwise she wouldn't give a flying fuck about it. It reads to me like she just wants to be included more and feel like MIL gives a shit about her and her dcs.

I gave my story as an example of paternal grandparents supporting dc that need it and including other dgc that don't. The outcome for my nan is probably going to be a lot nicer than what MIL on this thread is going to get.

OP you're probably not reading this after the pasting you got but if you are - your feelings do matter. Maybe try being honest with MIL and tell her you feel a bit jealous and wish you were closer with her and see what happens.

JustLyra · 31/01/2022 17:57

Jealousy doesn't come out of nowhere. I would firstly assume the OP is a nice person

Anyone who thinks their neglected step-child should get less help from caring adults is not a nice person.
There wasn’t an ounce of concern about her stepchild, or her child. In fact she stated For the record, I don't need/want help from them - so all she wants is the support and help for the other child to be reduced.

You’re also not the only step-mum on the thread.

Ginger1982 · 31/01/2022 18:08

[quote QuirkyTurtle]@GreenTeaMom
It's got everything to do with me actually! I am raising their grandson 50% of the time, because I love their son and treat their grandson like my own. They are welcome to have the relationships they want, and I appreciate very much that they are respectful enough of me and my SO to let us know what's going on.

Thankfully we have a good relationship with my stepson's mother, but if things were different, it would affect our family dynamics quite a bit. So again, I don't think they HAVE to ask me for anything, but it's respectful to me and if things were different I probably wouldn't have such a positive relationship with my PIL and stepson's mum.[/quote]
This is so weird. So if your step son's mum asks his grandparents for a favour, like taking him out for the day, they have to ask your permission?? 🙄

BuickMcKane · 31/01/2022 18:09

OP you're allowed your feelings, of course you are. Some people on here get so entrenched in getting their point across they forget they're talking to other people with actual feelings and thoughts.

However, you won't get much sympathy if you start slagging off your SS mum, that's pretty bad form. And if she really is as neglectful as you say, it does beg the question why your DP hasn't taken her to court for full custody.

As long as your in-laws do plenty for your own DC as well as your SS, them being closer to his mum than they are to you is something you're just going to have to get over. The ex has been in their lives longer than you so it stands to sense they'll have a stronger bond. It might not seem fair to you, but it is what it is.

5keletor · 31/01/2022 18:35

To be fair, we've had no indication OP is a nice person. Her jealousy has come across very strongly, she begrudges children living in a dire situation additional help and support from close family, and slags a woman off for multiple things including having children with more than one man - as does OP!
If we go solely from her posts, she sounds quite vindictive, to be honest.