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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by MIL & others, helping Ss's DM

253 replies

Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:23

MIL & GMIL are forever helping her, they say its because of SS, but they will help with things that wont even effect SS.

I get they can do what they want and its their time/money etc etc but...

I am also a mother of their S's child as well as the DP, it just feels like they are not being considerate of my feelings.

It does make me feel hurt, it's as if they care more about her.

IMO they of course should maintain a good relationship with the mother of their GS but they go above and beyond which she now relies on, and it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs.

Too much to ask?

Im sure I will get a tonne of abuse for this, but it honestly upsets me.

OP posts:
Everydaydayisaschoolday · 31/01/2022 11:04

They sound lovely. Your stepson is lucky to have them in his life. Once my parents divorced I never saw my dad or any of his family again. I can remember missing my granny. I was 3 then and I'm in my 60s now and it still hurts.

pinkyredrose · 31/01/2022 11:05

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids

Constant stream of men eh? And you know this how?

saraclara · 31/01/2022 11:07

Can you give us some examples of what they do for her and her son, OP? It's hard to tell the situation if we don't know what they're doing.

I'm going to guess though, that a) MIL knows that her GC is not getting the best of upbringings, and so is trying to help him through his DM, and b) she loves him but knows that her relationship with him is dependent on the whims of a somewhat chaotic ex-DIL. So she has to put a lot into her relationship with her.

I adored my MIL, and she loved me. Had my DH and I split, I know for certain that we'd have continued our relationship, and as she was a spectacular DGM, she would still have done everything she could for my kids.

Of course I expect that she'd have loved any DGCs who came along later, too. But I know that she had a friend who lost contact with her DGDs after a split, and it was something that really worried MIL. So I can imagine that she'd naturally work particularly hard on contact had I become an ex-DIL

Loveisthere · 31/01/2022 11:08

Does your child with your ex see your MIL your childs granny. You sound really jealous and need to grow up. As pp have stated your partner is obviously taking steps to take full custody of his dc as you say dc is neglected by the mother who had a whole year with his ex.

grapewine · 31/01/2022 11:08

@Sittingatawindow

For the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex
Petty and bitter is not a good look on anyone, and it doesn't motivate people to want to help you.
HelloFrostyMorning · 31/01/2022 11:08

Am I the only one struggling with the acronyms on the OP's posts? Confused

AnakinthePadawhine · 31/01/2022 11:09

several children all with different dads. .... Yes, that is quite terrible. Good thing you did not do that, right OP?

Your husband is mad because his family will not let him forget his son in favor of his brand new family. You are mad because you are petty.

HelloFrostyMorning · 31/01/2022 11:11

@Sittingatawindow

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

Oh dear. You have lost any sympathy you may have had on here with this comment ...

As you were. Wink

BikiniB0tt0m · 31/01/2022 11:13

@HelloFrostyMorning

Am I the only one struggling with the acronyms on the OP's posts? Confused
No you are not...I though SS was social services and got really confused Confused but it's step son and DM? Darling mum?!! Not sure why she is calling her darling mum
saraclara · 31/01/2022 11:13

@HelloFrostyMorning

Am I the only one struggling with the acronyms on the OP's posts? Confused
They're standard mumsnet acronyms, so in guessing you're new here?

I'm not keen on then, but they're used all the time.

Nickwinkle · 31/01/2022 11:14

It sounds like jealousy and resentment because she's your partner's ex :/

You need to remember your in laws had a relationship with her before you and she is still their family as she's the mother of their grandchild. Of course they're going to want to do everything they can to make sure their grandchild is okay.

... Why are you so resentful? Do they not offer you any help and/or give you attention? Or, thinking about it, is it just because she's an ex?

Mylee · 31/01/2022 11:14

Wow you are a real delight aren't youHmm

Seeline · 31/01/2022 11:15

IF, and it's a big if, things are as bad as you are describing, it sounds as if the poor kids need all the help that they can get!

The GM and SIL are protecting the child, not necessarily helping the mother.

And if you don't want/need the help and support I don't really get what your issue is?

BikiniB0tt0m · 31/01/2022 11:15

I've been on mn a long time and had to reread a few times to catch up to be clear

pinkyredrose · 31/01/2022 11:16

If she's that bad a mum your partner should really be going for full residency of his son, is he going to do that?

granny24 · 31/01/2022 11:17

@Seeline

IF, and it's a big if, things are as bad as you are describing, it sounds as if the poor kids need all the help that they can get!

The GM and SIL are protecting the child, not necessarily helping the mother.

And if you don't want/need the help and support I don't really get what your issue is?

Absobloodylutely.
BikiniB0tt0m · 31/01/2022 11:18

Think of Lo like Arthur and Star if they inlaws and go where allowed to help more by the parents then perhaps the story would be difficult. Your SS is in a vulnerable position and his GP are doing the right thing by keeping a close eye on him even if it means offering more help them is usual

Zilla1 · 31/01/2022 11:18

'going above and beyond' the line you determine, presumably.

I suppose it depends on your view of the family but you might feel reassured that they are making efforts after their DS' relationship ends rather than ostracising their ex-DIL/DSIL which might not be a good precedent for you.

Why do you think you should determine how much is appropriate for them to decide to do for someone who their DGS/DN? presumably loves and who was a part of their family? Why do you feel threatened by this?

Dibbydoos · 31/01/2022 11:20

They're over compensating, and it will all end up difficult as they eventually feel like tgeyre being taken advantage of.

Your DP needs to gently assert himself to manage what is becoming over reliance.

You are not being unreasonable imo.

Sittingonabench · 31/01/2022 11:20

The level of halo and interest people shown is dependent on more than perceived value in someone’s life.
They may like her
She may need more help (it seems she does so not sure why you resent her getting help)
If her living situation is unstable that will effect grandson so friendly doesn’t cut it.
Help should ho where help is needed IMO and it sounds like they’re doing that. I think you’re coming from a place of insecurity which is normal but you should be aware of it and acknowledge the good.

Velvian · 31/01/2022 11:21

Op, they can obviously see that you can stand on your own feet and your DC has everything they need at the moment. They are likely helping the ex for your SS's sake.

Keeping a good relationship with their GC's mother is very sensible.

Youngstreet · 31/01/2022 11:21

I agree that the family are helping their dgc via his mum.
It's normal op and you will have no idea of what is really happening behind the scenes.

Zilla1 · 31/01/2022 11:22

HNRTT but you judge her as a 'bad mother' then criticise your MIL and SIL for helping her out? Perhaps they can see some short comings and think it might be better for the DGC/DN to provide help for his DM rather than cutting her off. If you think she is selfish and a b'ad mother' then how do you think removing support will help her?

Might be an idea to look to be the best person and member of the family yourself and spend less time judging other people (and yes I get the irony but you asked for advice).

SteppingOverTheMark · 31/01/2022 11:23

Well, I can actually see where your coming from.

DSC mum has given us a lot of grief and caused a lot of stress in our lives…I don’t agree with MIL being “two faced” and playing happy families with her.

Furthermore, DSC mum used to use this connection to find out personal information about DH and I. That is unfair and not about DSC.

The difference for us maybe is that DH was only with her a very short period of time, never married and separated during pregnancy. I suppose if there’s a lot of history then it’s a bit different.

Furthermore, I think (and a lot of mental health professionals believe) that it can really blur boundaries for kids and confuse them.

You’ll get flamed on here, most SM’s do when it comes to trying to implement boundaries. I feel for you.

allthingsnaice · 31/01/2022 11:27

So on the other hand your DP was with someone for a year, knocked her up then left her? And you're annoyed that his family didn't stop having a relationship with their grandson and the mother of the grandson? Wow!

OP these are not your boundaries to enforce. MIL / SIL are their own people who can have whatever relationship they want with their grandson / nephew and his parents.

The comments about her being a victim / constant steam of men / children by different fathers just sounds so judgemental and horrible. Whether or not you disagree with your DPs families actions, you've actually given zero comment about the actions / how they impact you / what's wrong with them, and instead gone on a terribly personal attack which adds nothing to your argument apart from make you sound not very nice.