Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by MIL & others, helping Ss's DM

253 replies

Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:23

MIL & GMIL are forever helping her, they say its because of SS, but they will help with things that wont even effect SS.

I get they can do what they want and its their time/money etc etc but...

I am also a mother of their S's child as well as the DP, it just feels like they are not being considerate of my feelings.

It does make me feel hurt, it's as if they care more about her.

IMO they of course should maintain a good relationship with the mother of their GS but they go above and beyond which she now relies on, and it would be nicer if they let her get on with her own life and problems and just care for gs.

Too much to ask?

Im sure I will get a tonne of abuse for this, but it honestly upsets me.

OP posts:
betwixtlives · 31/01/2022 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BurningTheClocks · 31/01/2022 10:41

So they’ve been grandparents for at least 13 years, and in a relationship with him and his mother for longer.
5 years and you still can’t share?
You don’t need the help and you begrudge her?

namechange30455 · 31/01/2022 10:41

@Sittingatawindow

For the record, I don't need/want help from them, I am perfectly capable to standing on my own two feet, unlike the victim ex
You have your DP to help you. Does his ex have a partner?

Does your DP do as much for your DSS as he does for your shared DC?

Lifedonttalktomeaboutlife · 31/01/2022 10:43

My ex’s DM is one of my favourite people. We are friends in our own right. I’m not sure what’s wrong about that? I’ve never had any indication that I shouldn’t feel that way, from ex or his gf. We are all adults with our own agency about our own relationships.

Ozanj · 31/01/2022 10:44

There are a lot of reasons why she might be getting more support than you and analysing them will just drive you mad. The bitter bottom line is, at some level, they probably do like her more than you if the time spent is very unequal and you can’t do a thing to change it. My in laws and my parents are the same and you can’t change them. All you can do is stop letting their behaviour affect you.

DropYourSword · 31/01/2022 10:46

Thats the thing, she is a part of their lives yes, but not as much as me.

They are doing far too much and it's insensitive

All through your updates it seems like you're just pissed off at them for being nice to your DPs ex?!
You've never mentioned that they are unpleasant or unhelpful to you, so I am assuming they treat you well too.

You're absolutely correct, it's their time and money. They can do what they want. It's only you who chooses to view it as insensitive, which you would only do if you've created an unnecessary competition with the ex. They sound lovely.

Original poster
Sittingatawindow · 31/01/2022 10:47

@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother.

OP posts:
Horst · 31/01/2022 10:47

What is it exactly they do that’s apparently too much and overstepping?

Babysit every so often? Buy the child a new pair of school shoes each year? Take the child on holiday for a week? A day trip out here and there?

Because none of say those things I could get worked up at.

Now if they they are paying the maintenance that would be over stepping but only because the dad wasn’t stepping up. Childcare so mum can work because dad only does EOW not really overstepping but again because dad isn’t stepping up.

purpleboy · 31/01/2022 10:47

Ahh op, your jealous, it's a horrible, nasty, irrational emotion.
Your doing no one any favors by entertaining this.
It's making you feel shit, what's the point in holding onto feelings that are so negative?
Your in laws have a GS that they care for, they want to be in his life, they have built a relationship with his mother for the past 13/14 years. It doesn't matter if you think it's too much contact, they don't and the end result is that it benefits your SS.
Try and take your emotion out of it and you'll find yourself in a better place.

MatildaTheCat · 31/01/2022 10:48

Maybe they just happen to love her?

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2022 10:48

I have a child who doesnt live with both his parents either. So we are not loads better off!
So they're your ex in laws too?

She's been in their lives longer. They're allowed any relationship they want. It's only over stepping if she thinks it is, or if it's overflowing into your life like you being expected to help

Otherwise, no, someone picking their own relationships isn't being spiteful to you. You sound 6

Horst · 31/01/2022 10:49

If she’s neglectful why doesn’t dad have full custody….

BitcherOfBlakiven · 31/01/2022 10:49

Ah the old “she’s a shit Mum but we don’t care enough to get residency” chestnut

JugglingJanuary · 31/01/2022 10:49

Grow up.

They are adults who can choose how they spend their time/money. You & DP don't get to dictate that, whether she's an ex or a random.

Im just purely referring to them going above and beyond which feels like overstepping

Only DP's Ex can say whether they're 'overstepping' or not, because they are HER boundaries, not yours.

If you two want more help, just ask for it. But you can't demand they spend less time or money with/on another person, because you're jealous, or feel snubbed.

CanofCant · 31/01/2022 10:49

@Ozanj

There are a lot of reasons why she might be getting more support than you and analysing them will just drive you mad. The bitter bottom line is, at some level, they probably do like her more than you if the time spent is very unequal and you can’t do a thing to change it. My in laws and my parents are the same and you can’t change them. All you can do is stop letting their behaviour affect you.
Yeah this sums it up I'm afraid. All you can do is let it go. You said you don't need or want their help anyway. Obviously it's hurtful to you that they prefer her but it is what it is. Complaining and causing ructions certainly won't warm them toward you.
SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2022 10:50

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
So given that you think she's a terrible Mom, can you think of one reason that DGM and family might want to have a string presence in their GC's life? I assume as she neglects them, his Dad is in the process of getting custody?

BeeDavis · 31/01/2022 10:50

Oh OP, this hasn’t gone the way you wanted it to 🤡

Stookeen · 31/01/2022 10:52

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
And you don’t think that this might be exactly why she’s getting help from your MIL and her family?

TeeBee · 31/01/2022 10:53

I think I can understand a little bit about how you feel OP. My partner's mother still has a relationship with his ex and has her over regularly for coffee. It was a little weird for me at first but it really is much, much better for the child to see the whole family supporting their mum and for there to be as little tension as possible. I've come to accept that its par for the course with blended families and its just something we need to accept and work through. I think I had to acknowledge that on my part it was a little bit of jealousy and a little bit of wanting to be seen as the main person in DP's life. Honestly, after a while, you can just accept where those feelings are coming from and let it go. She can have her relationship with them, and you can have yours. I'd say maybe concentrate on creating and shaping your relationship with them, rather than worrying too much about what hers looks like with them.
I think you're getting an unfair bashing on here. They are your feelings and they do matter but I think you need to find a way of working through them. I realised with mine they were ego-based feelings rather than mature, solution-based ones that were not helpful for making a mutually-supportive environment for the children.

Ozanj · 31/01/2022 10:53

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
Is this what your DP fed to you by overplaying every mistake she ever made and underplaying his own? If this were really true then the parents of any decent dad would be supporting him to get full custody. But they’re not. They’re supporting her which means her reputation probably isn’t all he has made it out to be. Stop acting like you have any idea how she is as a mother other than what your DP feeds you.

JugglingJanuary · 31/01/2022 10:54

several children all with different dads

Pot/kettle.

CanofCant · 31/01/2022 10:54

[quote Sittingatawindow]@GreenTeaMom Yes I am because she is.

She has a constant stream of men through the house, several children all with different dads. Leaves them home alone, generally neglects them, but will gladly accept help if it will benefit her. Spends money on herself meant for the poor kids.

So actually no Im not the nasty one.

I don't particularly like her, but that is solely down to how she behaves as a mother. [/quote]
Why hasn't your boyfriend brought his child to live with him full time then?

If she really is that awful then it makes sense that your boyfriend's mum and sister want to support her in order to support their GC/nephew. I think it shows their are sensible and reliable people but you just want to have a jealous rant so go ahead but it will only make you feel worse.

hugr · 31/01/2022 10:57

Maybe they do like her more than you? You aren't coming off as kind, caring or compassionate in this thread.

CanofCant · 31/01/2022 10:57

It's actually very refreshing his relatives are helping her and not excusing the shit behaviour of their son/brother. If she is really so awful then he needs to get custody but he won't because he CBA so the women in his family have to step up and bridge the gap.

thisplaceisweird · 31/01/2022 11:03

Maybe they just ask for help more than you do.