Huge bust up over salt!!

[whatanightmaree]

Invited mum round for a Sunday dinner and she comes and helps me clean as I'm 30wks and I am struggling to keep on top of it.

Anyhoo I needed some salt for the beef so I went and asked OH if he would pop round to Tesco express which it literally a 1 minute drive and was greeted with a big fat NO "I don't want to" "it's only fucking salt no one wants salt" so I said well don't eat the dinner then if you can't do something so simple for me.

It turned into a huge bust up he was nasty to my mum and said some horrible things, told her to walk to the shop herself. She mentioned that when her partner was here (passed away)he would just nip to the shop for her and it wasn't and issue and he told her to stay out of it and "well he isn't alive anymore is he"

He's locked him self upstairs in the room all day watching his programmes but can't nip to the shop for me.

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable and whether I should just have accepted that he didn't want to go? As he seems to think that I should just accept his answer..

He went to the shop in the end and went back upstairs and locked himself in the room again!

Can you speak to the school regarding travel? Maybe they have something they can put in place for you?
How do you think you will do this in the future if you leave him? Your going to have to get the kids to school for at least the next 16 years.
Staying because he takes the children to school is not the answer, you need to get away from this man.

@AutomaticMoon

‘Nobody wants salt’ - that’s a pretty stupid thing to say anyway, doesn’t he know the fairy tale about the Princess and the Salt? In my country of origin we had a fairy tale but searching now, it seems it was stolen from a Shakespeare poem?!

sites.pitt.edu/~dash/salt.html

(Completely misses point of thread)

It is from King Lear. Brilliant play.

Anyway, I agree with pp that this sounds like a really toxic relationship and OP should seek support to leave.

OP, if you post on the relationships board you will get good advice.

hmm The OP is entitled to ask for help from someone who will actually help her.

Didn't say she wasn't. Should make one think though, if you need to ask your mother to help you when you're pregnant, while the father of the baby is sitting on his arse.

Could he have lost a lot of money and be stressed? If he wasn’t like this with previous pregnancy. The crypto market has tanked recently. No excuse for lashing out and that needs to stop now but wonder if he’s worried about finances ahead of the new baby?

Just to add, it should go back up again in time. But thought it worth asking the question just in case that’s the cause.

you make it sound so easy just to walk away from a marriage especially when I am heavily pregnant with little to no help and two DC's.

I’m sure your poor mum would be happy to describe her as ‘little to know help’.

*happy to know you describe her…..

@MistyGreenAndBlue

He's not a good partner at all, last week he told me that he doesn't have any respect for me and that respect is earnt not given and the only people he respects are his mum and dad.

Whereas the people who raised this hideous excuse for a human being would command, in me, no kind of respect at all.

Yeah because it’s always a woman’s fault if her son grows up to be a shit.

Get rid . What a waste of space. Can your mum help out when the baby comes?

Can you afford buy a car for you? A modest secondhand one? If public transport is a bit crap in your area and your anticipating a breakup it might be a good plan.

@whatanightmaree

To be honest it was nice for me to have my Mums opinion because all our arguments are down to him and he will try and spin the blame on me and say it's all my fault and that I am crazy. When deep down I know I am not and it's him.

He's not a good partner at all, last week he told me that he doesn't have any respect for me and that respect is earnt not given and the only people he respects are his mum and dad.

I finally saw how my son in law treated my daughter on one occasion when he slipped up and let his guard down. It was the beginning of the end for their marriage and she left him 8 months later. Someone else seeing the awful way she was treated gave her the courage to talk about everything else and realise how abusive it was.

Use this time wisely op. Get the support you need and plan for a life without him. He sounds awful.

@EmpressCixi

I would have just eaten unsalted beef and not made an ultimatum of go get salt or go hungry. It’s not critical.

I think the salt is just a symptom of a unhealthy relationship as you both talk horribly towards each other and your mother should stay out of your disagreements. How would you feel if his mum was taking his side and going on the attack against you?

Perhaps counselling would help the two of you communicate and respect each other better.

Nope, no counselling if you're in an abusive relationship.

I get sick of seeing posts like this. It's not a toxic relationship with faults on both sides and I'm astonished that this is your reading of the situation. It's an abusive man and his victim, so let's not start victim blaming here.

Ok. If you do not want to leave then perhaps couples therapy? Honestly he can't talk that way to you and get away with it. So other than that it's leave him or put up with him or therapy seems viable?

There is no counselling or therapy that will fix this. The man has made his contempt for his wife and her mother crystal clear. He's nasty, and a bunch of excuses that he may be depressed, he may be worried about money, maybe this, maybe that, are ludicrous.

He's nasty, and his wife and their children will not thrive if they continue to tolerate his appalling attitude. He has gone way beyond being able to expect their loving support through a tough time. Nobody else can fix someone who doesn't want to fix themselves.

@knittingaddict
I’m equally shocked you are conflating his refusal to drive to a shop to get 1 completely unnecessary condiment as being abusive. And based on that one situation, have jumped to an even more incredible conclusion that this is an abusive relationship with him as the abuser. And furthermore have from your ivory tower dismissed the entire field of relationship and mental health psychiatry, psychology and therapy as “useless”.

My opinion is not based on the op's first post, but rather her posts since then. It's obviously not just a a one off.

Also it is widely accepting by the vast majority of counselling services that couple's counselling with an abusive man is at best pointless and at worst dangerous. I think counselling is an excellant idea if you're a normal couple struggling with your relationship.

accepted

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't seem to love you.
Please, look into options on separation and divorce, get some legal counselling. You have your Mum nearby so that's a great help and she seems to be on your side.

@ParkheadParadise

If my dh had EVER spoken to my mum like that I would have booted his arse out the door. Fucking Arsehole.

This!! Absolutely no way should he disrespect your mum in this way. What he said to her was unforgivable. I would seriously leave him over that. Let's face it the whole laziness situation will only get worse after the baby is here.

I hope your Mum is okay x

I think it's sensible to consider the practicalities of being pregnant, other kids and new baby, C section, car etc. But I would be quietly getting my ducks in a row to end the marriage. Getting some legal advice at least.

@knittingaddict

Also it is widely accepting by the vast majority of counselling services that couple's counselling with an abusive man is at best pointless and at worst dangerous. I think counselling is an excellant idea if you're a normal couple struggling with your relationship.

Whatever. I see a toxic relationship that obviously worked for many years and was happy. You have a black and white view of things and seem to have a hair trigger, and as you say that is your opinion. Kindly let other opinions go unmolested by your “hating” on them.