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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge bust up over salt!!

222 replies

whatanightmaree · 30/01/2022 17:48

Invited mum round for a Sunday dinner and she comes and helps me clean as I'm 30wks and I am struggling to keep on top of it.

Anyhoo I needed some salt for the beef so I went and asked OH if he would pop round to Tesco express which it literally a 1 minute drive and was greeted with a big fat NO "I don't want to" "it's only fucking salt no one wants salt" so I said well don't eat the dinner then if you can't do something so simple for me.

It turned into a huge bust up he was nasty to my mum and said some horrible things, told her to walk to the shop herself. She mentioned that when her partner was here (passed away)he would just nip to the shop for her and it wasn't and issue and he told her to stay out of it and "well he isn't alive anymore is he"

He's locked him self upstairs in the room all day watching his programmes but can't nip to the shop for me.

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable and whether I should just have accepted that he didn't want to go? As he seems to think that I should just accept his answer..

He went to the shop in the end and went back upstairs and locked himself in the room again!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/01/2022 18:55

So your mum helps with cleaning while your partner sits on his arse?

SpacePotato · 30/01/2022 18:57

He wants out. He's blaming you for everything as an excuse to make it your decision to split.

Sorry op.

TracyMosby · 30/01/2022 18:57

@whatanightmaree

To be honest it was nice for me to have my Mums opinion because all our arguments are down to him and he will try and spin the blame on me and say it's all my fault and that I am crazy. When deep down I know I am not and it's him.

He's not a good partner at all, last week he told me that he doesn't have any respect for me and that respect is earnt not given and the only people he respects are his mum and dad.

Bloody hell op. He needs to go. Pregnancy is often a starting point for domestic abuse. Second pregnancy means you're more trapped.
lucylucyapplejuicy · 30/01/2022 18:57

That is not ok! Not for you or your poor mum. Firstly try not to stress too much as you and baby come first, I feel for your poor mum she must feel so upset. Is he usually like this or was this reaction not like him? He really is acting immature and selfish which isn't going to go down well when you add a baby into the mix.

Samanabanana · 30/01/2022 18:59

He sounds like a toddler

Astrak · 30/01/2022 19:00

It seems that your partner is rude and dismissive of both you, heavily pregnant with his second child, and your widowed mother.
I think that it's likely that other things are going on for him and that you should ensure you and your children (born and unborn) are in a place of safety as soon as possible.
Get all the Mumsnet ducks in a row, ASAP, and leave. Not necessarily to your mother's house, as he may cause her difficulties as well.
Good luck.

speakout · 30/01/2022 19:00

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable and whether I should just have accepted that he didn't want to go?

What do you think OP?

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/01/2022 19:01

@Motnight

This is him warming up to how he will treat you when the baby arrives.
Yup. This unfortunately Flowers

Staying because the kids need a lift to school isn’t right. Have. Chat to the school and see if something can be arranged

Original poster
whatanightmaree · 30/01/2022 19:04

My mum coming over to clean is more of a thing she like to do as she it gives her a reason to get out the house and I was needing the help but yes if OH was a better partner she wouldn't need to.

My mum doesn't drive and I haven't been too well so I have relied on him to help with school runs it would be tough otherwise. I did contact the school round the corner but they are full up now and said to apply in September so that isn't an option. If I wasn't pregnant I'd be ok getting buses everywhere, but the standing up and walking to the bus stops that aren't very close is too much.

He still thinks he is in the right so I won't be speaking to him at all. I've been on my feet all day and he's still lying in bed.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 30/01/2022 19:04

He sounds like a nightmare, but I'm not sure a tit for tat approach is great either.

Yes, yes OP dear, just keep the peace, don’t step out of your box.

Lalliella · 30/01/2022 19:04

He sounds horrendous. Your mother shouldn’t be cleaning for you. He should. And that’s how he repays her? He’s a nasty piece of work and a total man-child. Fuck him off OP.

Benjispruce5 · 30/01/2022 19:04

You have my sympathy.
I was making a dahl today and had no cumin seeds left. DH offered to get some, which he did. That’s normal behaviour. The fact that you’re pregnant too and that he spoke to your mother like that is a real worry.

Ballcactus · 30/01/2022 19:05

@whatanightmaree

To be honest it was nice for me to have my Mums opinion because all our arguments are down to him and he will try and spin the blame on me and say it's all my fault and that I am crazy. When deep down I know I am not and it's him.

He's not a good partner at all, last week he told me that he doesn't have any respect for me and that respect is earnt not given and the only people he respects are his mum and dad.

His mum & dad, wow. Sounds like they did a good job with this absolute man-child waste of space
Hugoslavia · 30/01/2022 19:10

Ok. Playing Devil's advocate. You said that he is a good Dad to your DD and was supportive during the last pregnancy. But who does more for DD? Is he fed up that now you are heavily pregnant he is having to pull his weight more? Did he want another baby? Could he be feeling overwhelmed by it all? Is the financial responsibility on his shoulders? Is he resentful of your mother coming round a lot? Have you been more emotional this time round? (You mentioned that you kicked him put two weeks ago). Have you asked him what his problem is? Is he depressed? I'm just trying to figure out whether there is a reason for him being such a twat this time round if he wasn't like this last time round. Because something has obviously changed! And unless you or he can figure out what the issue is and address it fast, I think that you would be better off without. What he said to your mother was just cruel!

PinkSyCo · 30/01/2022 19:10

Hmm I’m starting to think you and your DH are both pretty lazy tbh.

twilightermummy · 30/01/2022 19:10

If he can speak to you like that in front of your mum, then he’s right, he has certainly lost all respect for you.

To the ignorant poster who scoffed at another who suggested his next move will be to hit her or throw something, is probably unaware of red flags such as this. He could potentially be cheating also for him to change so drastically from when you had your first baby.

This is only heading one way op and it isn’t good.

PigeonLittle · 30/01/2022 19:11

He's a nasty turd, and worse - he doesnt care who knows it.

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2022 19:12

Assuming your dh works Monday to Friday it's a bit off your mum comes and cleans on a Sunday

Original poster
whatanightmaree · 30/01/2022 19:15

@Hankunamatata mum comes in the week she doesn't normally come on a Sunday but I was doing dinner so she helped me clean.

@PinkSyCo what makes you think I'm lazy?

OP posts:
Jewel52 · 30/01/2022 19:15

He’s just a lazy selfish arse and the longer you put up with it, the worse it’s going to become. I know it’s tough because you have a child and one on the way, but it sounds like he’s checked out anyway. I hope you’re planning for a future that doesn’t involve him Flowers

Gardeningcreature · 30/01/2022 19:18

I can't imagine a scenario where my mum came round to clean my house and my lazy oh sat on his arse letting her clean up after me. Then being so disrespectful about her deceased husband.
He is vile op.

T00Ts · 30/01/2022 19:20

@PinkSyCo

Hmm I’m starting to think you and your DH are both pretty lazy tbh.
Shitty remark. I read this is being from a poster who is pregnant, in a shit relationship with someone who is different now, starts arguments and then blames the OP, and who just wants her mum around a bit to see if A.) she’s ‘psycho’ like her partner is telling her, B.) to have someone see what she’s dealing with and C.) just to have a friendly face.
butterfly990 · 30/01/2022 19:20

Does he work?

WonderfulYou · 30/01/2022 19:21

He still thinks he is in the right so I won't be speaking to him at all.

You both sound as bad as each other.

Basically neither of you actually like each other, you just stay together because it’s easier. But you spend the entire time playing these silly tit-for-tat games.

This would be fine if it was just you two but you have children to think about.
This is not a good environment for children.

epponneee · 30/01/2022 19:21

@pinkSyCo whereon earth did you get the idea that the OP is lazy???

OP please listen to the majority of posters - you need to find a way to get him out of your house - even if that causes some logistical problems. This is not someone you need your kids growing up around. How far is the school? Is there anyone who could help? maybe your mum could take daughter on bus a couple of times a week and you could do taxi the other times (so at least you aren't paying for taxi everyday.) or do you know any other school parents who might be able to help?