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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge bust up over salt!!

222 replies

whatanightmaree · 30/01/2022 17:48

Invited mum round for a Sunday dinner and she comes and helps me clean as I'm 30wks and I am struggling to keep on top of it.

Anyhoo I needed some salt for the beef so I went and asked OH if he would pop round to Tesco express which it literally a 1 minute drive and was greeted with a big fat NO "I don't want to" "it's only fucking salt no one wants salt" so I said well don't eat the dinner then if you can't do something so simple for me.

It turned into a huge bust up he was nasty to my mum and said some horrible things, told her to walk to the shop herself. She mentioned that when her partner was here (passed away)he would just nip to the shop for her and it wasn't and issue and he told her to stay out of it and "well he isn't alive anymore is he"

He's locked him self upstairs in the room all day watching his programmes but can't nip to the shop for me.

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable and whether I should just have accepted that he didn't want to go? As he seems to think that I should just accept his answer..

He went to the shop in the end and went back upstairs and locked himself in the room again!

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 19:23

@WonderfulYou

He still thinks he is in the right so I won't be speaking to him at all.

You both sound as bad as each other.

Basically neither of you actually like each other, you just stay together because it’s easier. But you spend the entire time playing these silly tit-for-tat games.

This would be fine if it was just you two but you have children to think about.
This is not a good environment for children.

Agree.
Dontknowwhattodo99 · 30/01/2022 19:24

It’s so hard to sometimes see things for how they actually are but what you’ve written in all your posts OP suggest that you are In quite an abusive relationship. Abuse often ramps up around pregnancies. I think you should speak to some supports such as Woman’s Aid, even if there are positives in the relationship telling you he doesn’t respect you is disgusting and your bar should be set so much higher for yourself, and your children. Good luck in everything….💐

Original poster
whatanightmaree · 30/01/2022 19:25

The thing is though when this baby is here he will be happy and will do everything for him. I just don't think he gives a shit about me tbh as he said himself he doesn't respect me. But to his family he makes out he's a great husband and a good dad.

@butterfly990 he dropped down to part time because he wanted "freedom" he's into NFT's and crypto though and does well with that its his whole life.

Realistically I know we won't be together forever I just keep thinking in my head if I can get through this pregnancy I can be done with him but to be honest I kind of need him right now.

OP posts:
Icepinkeskimo · 30/01/2022 19:26

You've got a lovely mum, and by the sounds of it a jealous partner.

Your mum did no wrong and for him to speak like that to her... the bags would be packed and he could swan if to his own parents.

You don't need him, and he doesn't deserve you. You just need to have some self belief x

FoamBurst · 30/01/2022 19:27

You both sound childish. But just get rid of him you've said he's a shit partner. He won't change.
Having to taxi the dcs to school is not a reason to have someone back.

Thatsplentyjack · 30/01/2022 19:27

[quote EmpressCixi]@StillWeRise

So telling someone they cannot eat any dinner if they won’t or can’t go to the shops at a drop of the hat, is not a horrible thing to say? And then when he does eventually go to the shops after this sinks like a lead balloon, you then say “no way in hell” can he eat even then?

Ok then, I see you think respect and being decent doesn’t have to go both ways in a relationship. So long as a MIL has arbitrated in favour of her precious offspring that means she must be right....[/quote]
Ignore this poster OP, they are talking shit. Of course your mum should beack you up when you are in the right, and no, it's not much to ask that he goes to the shop for salt when he has 2 women doing everything else for him while he sits on his fucking arse.

PinkButtercups · 30/01/2022 19:29

@PinkSyCo

Hmm I’m starting to think you and your DH are both pretty lazy tbh.
Agree.
Mummytobe93 · 30/01/2022 19:32

I can’t imagine going to bed and waking up next to someone who says to my face the don’t respect me , and I’m about to give birth to our second child!

Are you sure it’s worth enduring it for the sake of school runs? Sounds like you both checked out of the relationship.

Your kids are going to pick up on the toxic atmosphere very quickly.

Cherrysoup · 30/01/2022 19:32

Could you move in with your mum?

RosiePosieDozy · 30/01/2022 19:36

Wtf to the posters saying OP is lazy. She's cooking a dinner for the family and asked her partner to go to the shop. Her mum offers to help clean. How is this an indication that OP is lazy??? Nasty remark.

Your partner is out of order, behaving like a teenager and an embarrassment to act like this in front of your mum. I guarantee this won't get better. Bin him before the baby comes.

Fritilleries · 30/01/2022 19:36

@Gwenhwyfar

I think it's a bit shit to use the car just to get salt. If it's a minute's drive away he should be walking.
That and he's an absolute twunt.
Mum2jenny · 30/01/2022 19:37

Are you my daughter and changing dates? If you are my dd, you will already have the baby!

If you are not my dd, best wishes for the future.

ancientgran · 30/01/2022 19:38

Well he sounds nasty and lazy. The only thing I'd ask is did he involve your mum or did she join in? As a MIL my rule is I don't get involved, it never ends well. The only time I would get involved is if I felt my child, male or female, was in danger in some way but otherwise no.

Having said that even if your mum involved herself in it that is no excuse for him making such a ridiculous fuss about such a small thing and definitely no reason to be abusive.

Do think carefully about your next move.

Benjispruce5 · 30/01/2022 19:38

Car not needed if 1 min drive must be pretty short walk too!

Honeyroar · 30/01/2022 19:42

@whatanightmaree

To be honest it was nice for me to have my Mums opinion because all our arguments are down to him and he will try and spin the blame on me and say it's all my fault and that I am crazy. When deep down I know I am not and it's him.

He's not a good partner at all, last week he told me that he doesn't have any respect for me and that respect is earnt not given and the only people he respects are his mum and dad.

Yes last week he said he had no respect for you, this week he proved it!

Your poor mum. What a horrible bloke. I’d have had enough. You’ve enough on your plate without putting up with him.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 30/01/2022 19:43

I would have just eaten unsalted beef and not made an ultimatum of go get salt or go hungry. It’s not critical.

Like fuck I would have, especially at 30 weeks pg, while he's sitting on his arse watching telly.

Gregsprinkles · 30/01/2022 19:44

You can get on the waiting list now for changing school. You don't have to wait til September.

me4real · 30/01/2022 19:45

I agree with PP's by the way- he's already psychologically abusive, by telling you you're not worthy of respect. And a bit weird that he virtually respects no one else in the world.

He could well become abusive in other ways- because he already is abusive.

NotNowAlan · 30/01/2022 19:45

Plan your exit. This is no way to live, and I always find pregnant women being mistreated really upsetting. He should be cherishing you, the mother of his children.

My marriage is far from perfect but if I say I need to do something or get something, 9 times out of 10 my DH will say "I'll do it". We've been married 35 years.

Figgygal · 30/01/2022 19:45

Honestly what he said to your mum is absolutely unforgivable

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/01/2022 19:52

Wtf are the few PPs on, saying the OP is lazy?!

JinglingHellsBells · 30/01/2022 19:52

Do you drive OP?

Is there just one car and he has it?

I don't understand why the only options are bus or taxi (or car driven by your H)

How far away is the school?

LoisLane66 · 30/01/2022 19:53

30 weeks and you can't walk to the shop yourself? 1 minute in the car or 6 minute walking? My ex worked offshore and was absent for much of the time when I was pregnant including 4 out of 5 births.
Mum lived over 200 miles away and I did it all myself including looking after the other 4 later on the same day as giving birth to the 5th in hospital. A friend looked after them until I came home and I drove myself home and cooked dinner. .because I could. We had a lovely evening and I went to bed at the same time as the children. Salt? Haha. Get over it.

Original poster
whatanightmaree · 30/01/2022 19:56

@Mummytobe93 I don't know how else I can get through these next 9 weeks without him and the weeks after because I'm having a planned section. My mums moving back to our hometown so i won't even have her but I know she will stay at my house if I need her too.

@JinglingHellsBells I drive yes but we only have one car and it's in his name so he will take it if he goes.

@LoisLane66 I was in my pyjamas sitting down cooking I can barely walk anymore due to spd groin pain and my lower back is killing me why on earth would I do that when my husband is upstairs and can go and come back within 5 minutes. Well done you were not all the same!

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 19:57

I'm just wondering how many posters on here would tell their partner if they didn't go for salt they wouldn't get any dinner!