Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

to find BIL behaviour strange around my child

221 replies

isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 12:48

feel free to tell me if you think i’m over anxious about this

basically my BIL is 40 - sister is 15 years younger. not sure if that matters but anyway.

i have a 10 month old daughter and my BIL is a bit odd around her and i don’t know if i’m just thinking too far into things.

my worry is basically he is the only person who will kiss her - i have asked a thousand times for him not to and he still does. he also does this thing where he nuzzles into her neck and kisses at her neck etc which makes me feel sick but don’t know if that’s me seeing things differently? also he will walk off into a room with her by himself. nobody else feels the need to have alone time with her so why does he? i follow him literally everywhere as i don’t like it. also he will not hand her back easily. if she’s crying or whinging or if someone else just wants to hold her he will outright blank them and pretend he can’t hear them and just keep a grip of her. it’s so weird. obviously i just grab her but like my mum for instance felt very put out by this

also yesterday we had a meal at my house just me my sister and a few friends (all women, no partners invited). he came into the house as he wanted to see my daughter specifically. wanted to tell him to fuck off it’s a girls night and everyone was just awkwardly waiting for him to get out. luckily dd just cried when he tried to hold her so he left quickly anyway.

but aibu to find him odd? i feel like i should trust my instincts and i would never let him or her babysit for this reason but don’t know if i’m being daft

OP posts:

WulyJmpr · 31/01/2022 08:06

At the end of the day she's your baby. Keep trusting your instincts. You can choose who she spends time with as you're her mother, whilst stopping short of having to accuse anyone of anything.

Keep blocking opportunities for your daughter to be harmed.

nalabae · 31/01/2022 10:09

@Jannt86

Just to add, from personal experience you will probably be waiting for a cold day in hell before your family actually support you in this so f&%k them and use your own initiative . Most families are funny and dysfunctional and prefer to bury their heads in the sand even when the signs are right in front of them. Your focus is to ensure that cycle doesn't continue. You don't need evidence that this man is or isn't a criminal to do that x

100% Agree

StrawberryPot · 31/01/2022 13:38

Babies are very kissable and huggable. I don't know anyone in real life that won't let anyone cuddle and kiss their baby. You don't trust him, just keep him in sight. I loved my uncle though and getting big hugs and squishes from him.

I don't know anybody in real life who

a) ignores repeated requests from a parent not to do something and

b) is so lacking in self-awareness that they can't see how such obsessive behaviour over a child they're not related to might be interpreted.

The nappy changing offer is an enormous red flag.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 14:59

@RedHelenB

OP is getting an unsettled, worried feeling about this man hugging and kissing her child and he doesn't respect the clear boundaries set out when it comes to doing so.

Babies being cute doesn't mean people get to override their parents wishes. And it doesn't make it wrong for a parent to act on gut instinct especially when it's about a man who by all accounts sounds inappropriate (ignoring requests and boundaries) as well as controlling (making himself constantly where OP's sister is despite not being invited).

ShinyHappyPoster · 31/01/2022 15:06

What a load of bollocks. Instincts count for everything when it comes to survival. So does common sense.
@Winniemarysarah what a talent to completely misread a post. The point I was obviously making is that you need to safeguard your DCs from everyone not just the people you think you have an 'instinct' about. If everyone could trust their instincts then no DCs would get abused. All adults need to treated as though they're a risk to your DC. Relying on 'instinct' means you miss risks.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 31/01/2022 15:47

You've asked him not to do something and he's ignoring you and indulging his own wishes by continuing to do it.

That's it. That's all you need to be concerned about in order to put very strong boundaries in place. Not his child, not his decision.

Quite aside from that, according to your own posts there are flashing red lights and warning klaxons all over this one, OP. Those gut instincts are there for a reason: listen to them. Sometimes abusers - not saying your BiL is one of these - get away with it because people are so willing to close their eyes to what's in front of them, to refuse to believe anyone in their orbit might be capable of committing such a major social taboo, and thus unwittingly enable them.

Overriding your boundaries in plain sight is a warning I'd be inclined to take seriously. YANBU.

2Gen · 31/01/2022 16:03

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Why ignore your instincts- so not to offend?- not a good enough reason, if it was normal and innocent he wouldn’t be pushing back and ignoring your requests

This! Please honour your instincts OP and keep him away from your DC. People say it might be innocent and OK, it might be but if it isn't, it doesn't bear thinking about. We should always put protecting our children above the fear of offending adults, or even other children. It makes you feel bad and anxious for a reason and ME, it's usually for a good reason. Even if it's innocent, better offend him than put your DC at any risk. Furthermore, the fact your DC cried last time he tried to hold her makes my alarm bells clang! Listen to her too- she doesn't like him and that would be enough for me and stuff what anyone else thinks. I'm sorry this is happening, it must be horrible!

Hollowtree3 · 31/01/2022 16:05

If anyone was (that I felt) being odd around my son, I would certainly follow my boy anywhere when that person was around.

AutomaticMoon · 31/01/2022 16:33

@RedHelenB

GrannytoaUnicorn · 31/01/2022 16:35

@RedHelenB

RedHelenB · 31/01/2022 23:22

I don't get the faces? Did you never get hugs from male relatives?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 23:57

@RedHelenB

I don't get the faces? Did you never get hugs from male relatives?

My lovely uncles gave me hugs and kisses, yes.

However my uncles and other male relatives aren't obnoxious or arrogant enough to override the wishes of a parent, so they wouldn't have been hugging me in a way that made my parents uncomfortable or kissing me when told not to...

He also isn't a relative. He's someone already controlling and territorial when it comes to OP's sister who has trampled on the boundaries set out clearly by OP when it comes to her baby.

Your uncles were lovely. Your parents trusted them. All was well.

This is an entirely different situation because he is rude, ignores boundaries, sounds controlling of her sister and OP as the baby's mother is uncomfortable with his behaviour.

You really can't see the difference? It's not equivalent.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 01/02/2022 10:08

I kiss my nieces on the top of the head or on their cheeks. I think nape of neck is very odd.

MondayYogurt · 01/02/2022 15:59

Who did he date before your sister? Wonder what is that woman's impression of him?

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/02/2022 16:03

Creepy, inappropriate and yes you must never allow him any alone time with her.

Ugh it makes my blood run cold just reading your OP.

As a PP says, do not wait for the endorsement or agreement of anyone else in your family, maintain a strong boundary with or without their approval.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/02/2022 09:04

I don't get the faces? Did you never get hugs from male relatives?

I'm not buying that these posts are in good faith for one second.

Palmfrond · 02/02/2022 20:22

@RedHelenB

I don't get the faces? Did you never get hugs from male relatives?

A previous poster speculated as to how many paedophiles there might be on MN, and tbh I don’t think you saying how much you enjoyed ishy squishy hugs from uncles is putting anyone’s mind at rest on that count.

AutomaticMoon · 02/02/2022 20:25

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I don't get the faces? Did you never get hugs from male relatives?

I'm not buying that these posts are in good faith for one second.

Right?!?

AutomaticMoon · 02/02/2022 20:27

@Palmfrond It doesn’t sound great al all, does it?! 😖

AutomaticMoon · 02/02/2022 20:28

I wonder how OP and her DD are doing.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 06/02/2022 21:36

@isthisodd283 Hi how are things??

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9