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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find BIL behaviour strange around my child

221 replies

isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 12:48

feel free to tell me if you think i’m over anxious about this

basically my BIL is 40 - sister is 15 years younger. not sure if that matters but anyway.

i have a 10 month old daughter and my BIL is a bit odd around her and i don’t know if i’m just thinking too far into things.

my worry is basically he is the only person who will kiss her - i have asked a thousand times for him not to and he still does. he also does this thing where he nuzzles into her neck and kisses at her neck etc which makes me feel sick but don’t know if that’s me seeing things differently? also he will walk off into a room with her by himself. nobody else feels the need to have alone time with her so why does he? i follow him literally everywhere as i don’t like it. also he will not hand her back easily. if she’s crying or whinging or if someone else just wants to hold her he will outright blank them and pretend he can’t hear them and just keep a grip of her. it’s so weird. obviously i just grab her but like my mum for instance felt very put out by this

also yesterday we had a meal at my house just me my sister and a few friends (all women, no partners invited). he came into the house as he wanted to see my daughter specifically. wanted to tell him to fuck off it’s a girls night and everyone was just awkwardly waiting for him to get out. luckily dd just cried when he tried to hold her so he left quickly anyway.

but aibu to find him odd? i feel like i should trust my instincts and i would never let him or her babysit for this reason but don’t know if i’m being daft

OP posts:

AutomaticMoon · 30/01/2022 00:28

Oh he sounds like a catch... 🙄 I would just keep my distance. What does your mother say about all this? Can she not talk to your sister? Or has she not seen the weirdness? If he comes over, he’s not allowed to touch DD since he’s shown such disregard for your very reasonable boundaries.

AutomaticMoon · 30/01/2022 00:41

@Palmfrond 😃 I was wondering where you said you were doing a favour to your DP. I think the PP got triggered, saw red, and read something that didn’t exist?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 00:47

[quote AutomaticMoon]@Palmfrond 😃 I was wondering where you said you were doing a favour to your DP. I think the PP got triggered, saw red, and read something that didn’t exist?[/quote]
Huh? I'm genuinely confused as the poster linked changing their own nappies with being a 'good husband' as if it's not something that should be expected by a wife and mother of the child. Maybe I misread, but that's certainly how it seemed to me.

It's just run of the mill parenting to change nappies, not something you do to be a 'good husband'.

I appreciate everyone has different expectations though and different relationship dynamics.

It sounded a bit like when men are praised for 'babysitting' their own kids if they look after them solo rather than it being seen as just parenting when a woman does so.

Not triggered, I just think it's outdated and disappointing in principle 🤷🏻‍♀️

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 00:47

Their own child's nappies that was meant to say!

StrawberryPot · 30/01/2022 00:51

Decent men go to great lengths not to overstep with other people’s children because they know that it makes parents anxious, they respect the child’s boundaries and they want to avoid any suspicion of wrong doing. The fact this man is crashing through normal social boundaries and so proprietary around your your daughter is really problematic.

^^ This

TaysideTeuchter · 30/01/2022 01:06

Jesus, so many red flags. I'd definitely distance myself from your sister for the moment, and I'd also look at home security (in case your sister and this creep 'pop round' unannounced.) Things like a door chain or a video doorbell etc. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

AutomaticMoon · 30/01/2022 01:23

@youvegottenminuteslynn Ah I’m sorry I understand better what you meant now. I see how the wording of it sounds problematic.

I’m also having a vision of @Palmfrond changing his own nappies now 😭

Yes, it’s just normal parenting but technically it’s still being a good husband, right? Sorry I’m on the spectrum and sometimes can’t grasp things people are saying. But I thought it was self deprecating not self aggrandising, maybe I’m too generous

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 01:27

@AutomaticMoon

That's ok, I know everyone reads things differently so appreciate you reading my reply and replying kindly

I just can't ever see a woman being called a 'good wife' for changing her child's nappies. It would just be considered something entirely run of the mill a mum does.

And should be considered the same when it comes to a dad IMO. It's an outdated disparity in how the bar is so much lower for men than women when it comes to parental responsibilities.

MsDogLady · 30/01/2022 05:34

This is highly disturbing.

This guy has repeatedly ridden roughshod over your/your baby’s boundaries. He feels entitled to overrule you and dominate her space.

He wouldn’t be going anywhere near my baby and I wouldn’t care who took offense. In fact, I would tell him and your sister straight up. It’s non-negotiable. Put your foot down, OP.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 30/01/2022 05:47

Get a Sarah's Law done. You can request online from your Forces' website, via 101, webchat or pop into a station. You'll have to wait awhile but it could be worth it.

MondayYogurt · 30/01/2022 07:12

Yeah he's controlling her.

She's probably too afraid to tell you.

He's going to try and get her pregnant ASAP I expect. Control control.

This guy is bad.

Graphista · 30/01/2022 12:17

And I wouldn't give two flying fuck if my sister didn't like it.

Same here

The baby is the more vulnerable of the two and requires the most protection

Widgetywoo instinct exists for a reason. The "causes" of it may be under debate (personally I agree with dr Paul ekman that it's really us reacting to minor/subtle clues we're noticing - micro expressions, chants in body scent etc - that which while we're not conscious of them we are responding to)

I'm 49 I've learned from various experiences - not just the Csa although that is one area - to trust my instincts ALWAYS

Recently such a reaction prevented me becoming victim to a very clever scam!

My instincts have on almost every occasion proven to be accurate. There is 1 where it hasn't but that is a "long game" one I'm still awaiting outcome on.

You're not being daft op.

the problem i have is that everytime i see my sister i see him - he picks her up and drops her off everywhere and shows up randomly if we go out.

That in itself is alarming in terms of possible controlling relationship

he just seems very controlling I would say is not seems. Might be worth checking womens aid website for how to manage this

Who you admit to your home is up to you. Personally I'd be at the threshold saying to sister "you're welcome anytime - he is not!"

PalmFrond I understood what you meant that pp was being daft! I got that you meant nobody enjoys changing nappies even when it's a parental duty so for someone who doesn't have to do it to volunteer that's weird! During my nurse training even other women on the neonatal ward would "trade" for other tasks if possible it's weird to volunteer for an unpleasant task like this when it's unnecessary

In addition to the Sarah's law check, a Clare's law (domestic abuse) check may also be in order! I'd also be googling :

"Sisters boyfriends name" and "court case" "sentencing"

billy1966 · 30/01/2022 14:49

@Graphista

Completely agree.

I wouldn't apologise to my sister either for prioritising my baby over some freak she has picked up.

I would absolutely have an exploding head at some man I didn't take to nuzzling my daughter not to mind wanting to change her nappy.

Your tolerance is far to high of inappropriate behaviour.

In 25 years I have NEVER heard of a many volunteering to change a nappy.

My gut is screaming at the very idea of it.

Palmfrond · 30/01/2022 16:08

I can’t help but wonder, how does this 40 yr old childless (??) man know how to change a nappy anyway?

Jannt86 · 30/01/2022 16:39

YANBU. I would tell him straight up he's not to touch your baby and if he disrespects this then he is not allowed in your house. He may just genuinely missed the cues that you're uncomfortable but if he's not a creep he will respect your conditions. I don't wanna freak you out even more but I'd seriously be taking into consideration how you can keep yourself and child safe. Thinking about house security as pp have said is a good start x

Original poster

isthisodd283 · 30/01/2022 19:01

@TaysideTeuchter

i have both a door chair and a ring doorbell so home security is good. i think i have to talk to my sister as the issue is not the home security - it’s that for example if she’s at my house he will come to pick her up and she will get up and answer the door and he comes in everytime to see my baby. he never just picks her up. but how do i say ‘stop letting your fiancé into my house’. i basically have to stop letting her into my house too, which is fine obviously if it means he’s not around dd

OP posts:

Original poster

isthisodd283 · 30/01/2022 19:03

also mentioned this to my mum today and she seems to think i’m being very dramatic and doesn’t see it. she says i’m making a very strong accusation etc etc. however i would say my sister has mental health issues and recently is saying she doesn’t want to be here etc etc so not sure if my mum just doesn’t want any confrontation to rock the boat iygm

OP posts:

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 30/01/2022 19:10

Maybe see your sister on an eve outside your house, meet at a restaurant or somewhere so bil drops her there

Throckmorton · 30/01/2022 19:27

Given its perfectly possible for abusers to abuse their victims in plain sight, I would not ever let him touch your daughter again. Or ever be near her to be honest. And as someone said upthread - I'd be looking into a Sarah's law request.

FoamBurst · 30/01/2022 19:32

Did you ring for a background check?

Mummytobe93 · 30/01/2022 19:36

Sadly if that’s your sister attitude OP there’s nothing you can do. She needs to focus on her own mental health & relationship as she doesn’t seem happy.

Nevertheless, your number one job & responsibility is to safeguard your children at all cost - even falling out with your family.

I’d be honest with her when you’ve got 5 minutes on your own.

Buttercup54321 · 30/01/2022 19:43

Is he desperate for a baby of his own?

Darbs76 · 30/01/2022 19:43

Some people do just kiss babies, I don’t think that in itself is anything to worry about. I wouldn’t like him taking my child into another room, but again not necessarily anything to read into. He might just be very paternal and love kids, just ask him not to take her out of the room and if he won’t listen then I’d tell him not to hold her if he can’t respect your rules

Jannt86 · 30/01/2022 19:59

@isthisodd283

You're not accusing at all. You're setting boundaries for you and your child because you don't feel comfortable. Nobody can say for sure that he is or isn't any kindof devient but it's irrelevent really. He's making you feel uncomfortable and has literally no legal or moral right to even look at your baby without your consent. I'm really sorry that your sister is having a tough time but your priority is still your defenseless child. I would say your mum should be spending less time dismissing your concerns and more time focussing on building your sister's confidence up and making her own home a safe space for her so that she can evaluate her relationship with this man and leave him if/when she decides that it's an abusive relationship.

Original poster

isthisodd283 · 30/01/2022 20:01

@FoamBurst

Did you ring for a background check?

i did but they asked loads of information such as addresses for my sister and stuff and i panicked and said i needed to research a bit more first as i’m scared they’ll find out i did the search? going to have a proper look later on and make sure

OP posts:

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