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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find BIL behaviour strange around my child

221 replies

isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 12:48

feel free to tell me if you think i’m over anxious about this

basically my BIL is 40 - sister is 15 years younger. not sure if that matters but anyway.

i have a 10 month old daughter and my BIL is a bit odd around her and i don’t know if i’m just thinking too far into things.

my worry is basically he is the only person who will kiss her - i have asked a thousand times for him not to and he still does. he also does this thing where he nuzzles into her neck and kisses at her neck etc which makes me feel sick but don’t know if that’s me seeing things differently? also he will walk off into a room with her by himself. nobody else feels the need to have alone time with her so why does he? i follow him literally everywhere as i don’t like it. also he will not hand her back easily. if she’s crying or whinging or if someone else just wants to hold her he will outright blank them and pretend he can’t hear them and just keep a grip of her. it’s so weird. obviously i just grab her but like my mum for instance felt very put out by this

also yesterday we had a meal at my house just me my sister and a few friends (all women, no partners invited). he came into the house as he wanted to see my daughter specifically. wanted to tell him to fuck off it’s a girls night and everyone was just awkwardly waiting for him to get out. luckily dd just cried when he tried to hold her so he left quickly anyway.

but aibu to find him odd? i feel like i should trust my instincts and i would never let him or her babysit for this reason but don’t know if i’m being daft

OP posts:

Original poster

isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 20:12

also (sorry i’m replying as i scroll through) that is one of my concerns - that i’m worried he’s just doing the ‘great potential dad’ thing as he is very very broody and my sister is not. i worry that what i’m seeing as concerning behaviour is just him trying to show her he’s dad material

OP posts:

MondayYogurt · 29/01/2022 20:16

I have never heard of any normal man acting like this. Even the ones who really like other people's children.

Is he going to offer to change her or bath her next?

Your sister was right the 3 times she broke up with him. Roll on the 4th.

notthatonethisone · 29/01/2022 20:18

@isthisodd283

How is ignoring you (the baby's mother) and your wishes showing he is good dad material?

How is ignoring requests to give back a crying child?

How is walking off on your own with someone else's baby?

These are all signs he will be a potentially dangerous father.

Toasterandjam · 29/01/2022 20:22

Same instincts should be followed even if he was a blood relative. Same whichever culture he's from. He went against your wishes. Not cool. You're your dd's parent. Not him.
Don't be concerned about upsetting anyone. Put your daughter above that.
He's gone against your wishes. You are your childs guardian.
Even if Sarahs Law comes back without any record of him offending, doesn't prove anything except maybe that he hasn't been caught yet. It's not always obvious. Found out someone that I would've trusted to babysit (but it didnt happen purely due to logistics) was later convicted of child connected offences. I was totally shocked.
Trust your instincts. Tell your sister and him you feel uncomfortable with him and he's nit to hold your child. Tough shit if they take offence. You'd never forgive yourself if something happened and you didn't act upon your instincts.

BurntO · 29/01/2022 20:23

Massive red flags OP.

JumpingPiglets · 29/01/2022 20:24

This is not a "Great Dad" routine, OP, and even if it were why would that excuse or explain his persistent breaching of your boundaries and social norms? Because it is a breach to go into a party when you aren't invited for a cuddle with someone else's child.

There isn't a good explanation for his behaviour. There is one very bad possible explanation- that he is grooming your family with a view to abuse. There are a number of less bad possible explanations - that he is a weirdo, that he is controlling of your sister, that he likes to control you as well, that his desires and wants are more important than other people's boundaries. But there isn't a good explanation.

You don't owe him courtesy or tolerance for his behaviour. You don't - as a matter of fact - owe anyone courtesy or tolerance.

user33323 · 29/01/2022 20:32

I think what you've described about walking in uninvited to your home to cuddle her sounds sinister. The reality, that he dropped off your sister and called in to say hello to her was polite and really lovely.

AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 20:33

Definitely trust your instincts! I say this as someone with from cPTSD from sexual abuse at age 7 in foster care, it’s usually a ‘trusted’ adult and in my case his wife knew but was jealous instead of making him stop.

user33323 · 29/01/2022 20:35

What are the men in your family like? Were/are your father and uncles and brothers etc physically affectionate? If not, maybe it's setting off unnecessary alarm bells because you are just not used to it when he isn't doing anything sinister.

AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 20:35

@user33323 WTF, he wanted to specifically say hello to a baby, a baby that he’s repeatedly trampled over the boundaries set by her mother, it IS sinister.

Toasterandjam · 29/01/2022 20:39

Recently heard a new stepdad complimenting a friend of the stepkids but really ott way like 'oh you look sooo beautiful today' made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. This stepdad is also very vocal when playing with the stepkids as if to say look what a great stepdad I am. I don't trust him but again its instinct and it can be just such a situ where its in plain sight, as others have pointed out.

irene9 · 29/01/2022 20:47

It's weird. It's sounds too much. Especially the going off into another room. Just follow him and take her back off him. Or say 'can you stop with the nuzzling please! She's not a puppy!! Ha ha" Make a kind of joke out of it.
Why did your sister go for an older man?
Is your own Dad very distant or absent either physically or emotionally?

Original poster

isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 20:47

@MondayYogurt

I have never heard of any normal man acting like this. Even the ones who really like other people's children.

Is he going to offer to change her or bath her next?

Your sister was right the 3 times she broke up with him. Roll on the 4th.

he has offered to change her already. solid no to that one and he hasn’t asked again

i agree. really desperate for this wedding to not go ahead tbh

OP posts:

Santahasjoinedww · 29/01/2022 20:51

Offering to change someone else's baby is by far so off the scale of weird imo.

Tonkerbea · 29/01/2022 20:51

He asked to change her? WTF? I'd risk my sister going non-contact to keep this man as far away from my child as possible.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 29/01/2022 20:56

Listen to your instincts and tell him and your sister that you don’t like the way he behaves with your child. Don’t sugar coat it!

MondayYogurt · 29/01/2022 20:58

Ah, so he's already tried to access her that way.
I expect your sister's babysitting suggestions may have also been prompted by him.
Honestly, my family member dated a man when she had a young child and he kept asking to bath him. Immediate gut reaction and she dropped him.
You know.

AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 20:58

@user33323 What’s unnecessary is his creepy insistence on nuzzling and kissing the baby’s neck after being asked not to. Showing disregard for boundaries like this is a red flag. The little baby is getting plenty affection from her parents and presumably her grandmother, etc.

The baby cannot speak for herself and I’m really glad OP trusted her instincts so far and didn’t allow him to babysit or unsupervised contact.

worriedmummyofboys · 29/01/2022 21:00

AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 21:00

@MondayYogurt Good to see people following their instincts! She probably saved her DS a life of pain and suffering.

LeftTheWashingOut · 29/01/2022 21:01

Hmm I'm now starting to worry if I overstepped recently with my ten month old niece when we visited multiple times over Christmas (overseas visit). I'm the SIL in this case. I didn't hesitate to nuzzle her neck to get her to giggle, and frequently wandered off to other rooms to show her things, as did my DH. I changed her, DH bathed her. although in this case her parents are pretty lazy and she does go round the room like pass the parcel when there's any other family members present so they probably didn't even notice us doing it.

However If I'd be asked to stop I'd have done so in a heartbeat though. So I think I'd perhaps cut him some slack as perhaps he's used to seeing other babies where parents are more just happy to have five minutes of peace, but then big red flag is him not respecting your requests and not handing her back as soon as you ask.

BettyFilous · 29/01/2022 21:02

I have never heard of any normal man acting like this. Even the ones who really like other people's children.

Decent men go to great lengths not to overstep with other people’s children because they know that it makes parents anxious, they respect the child’s boundaries and they want to avoid any suspicion of wrong doing. The fact this man is crashing through normal social boundaries and so proprietary around your your daughter is really problematic. Your update about about offering to change her? Wow! I wouldn’t have let a man behaving like this within 50 feet of my kids. When you were posting about your sister cutting off contact with you, my first thought was “result!” I’d be extremely frank with your parents and other family members about your concerns, as this man sounds determined & it needs everyone’s eyes on him at all times if you choose to continue contact.

Georgeskitchen · 29/01/2022 21:04

Strange behaviour, you are uncomfortable with it so it needs to stop. Has anyone else commented on it?

AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 21:05

No OP don’t make a joke about it, please don’t discount yourself like that. It’s a serious concern and don’t feel guilty or ashamed, you have absolutely the right, no the duty! To protect your lovely baby. And when she’s older teach her to be brave and not ashamed of looking rude, to protect herself. I wish I knew this. Sorry if I sound dramatic but cPTSD is pretty much a disability, it’s not cute and there’s no real help either, from the nhs. More help can be accessed by perpetrators than survivors, tbh.

lordloveadog · 29/01/2022 21:10

Listen when your instincts tell you something is wrong.

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