to find BIL behaviour strange around my child

[isthisodd283]

feel free to tell me if you think i’m over anxious about this

basically my BIL is 40 - sister is 15 years younger. not sure if that matters but anyway.

i have a 10 month old daughter and my BIL is a bit odd around her and i don’t know if i’m just thinking too far into things.

my worry is basically he is the only person who will kiss her - i have asked a thousand times for him not to and he still does. he also does this thing where he nuzzles into her neck and kisses at her neck etc which makes me feel sick but don’t know if that’s me seeing things differently? also he will walk off into a room with her by himself. nobody else feels the need to have alone time with her so why does he? i follow him literally everywhere as i don’t like it. also he will not hand her back easily. if she’s crying or whinging or if someone else just wants to hold her he will outright blank them and pretend he can’t hear them and just keep a grip of her. it’s so weird. obviously i just grab her but like my mum for instance felt very put out by this

also yesterday we had a meal at my house just me my sister and a few friends (all women, no partners invited). he came into the house as he wanted to see my daughter specifically. wanted to tell him to fuck off it’s a girls night and everyone was just awkwardly waiting for him to get out. luckily dd just cried when he tried to hold her so he left quickly anyway.

but aibu to find him odd? i feel like i should trust my instincts and i would never let him or her babysit for this reason but don’t know if i’m being daft

OP I don’t understand why you’re being so passive in your own home, about him holding baby when she’s crying and you try to take her off him, about your sister letting him in... Why don’t you just stop letting her open the door in your house? You shouldn’t be more concerned about your mother and sister wellbeing than your own and baby. It’s too bad if your mother disagrees, you have to protect your DD, please. Your sister’s probably suicidal due to his coercion and control and unpleasantness, that’s not on you, it’s on you to protect your child, she’s the priority. Please OP don’t be emotionally manipulated like this into disregarding your instincts!

As much as I understand you can't just accuse people of being pedophiles, I really don't understand the people who are saying he's just being affectionate, try not to offend anyone, maybe lie about why he can't see her etc....I say F**K THAT. Your baby is counting on you to protect her and raise her knowing she can protect herself by saying 'NO' if someone, anyone, acted that way with my child and my instincts felt it was wrong I wouldn't umm and arrrr over it in case anyone got their knickers in a twist I'd look that person in the eye and very loudly and firmly ask why they had such an unhealthy urge to ignore a mother's request to have her own baby back?! Then I'd tell him to leave and not come back. Sinister intentions or not, he has zero respect for your boundaries as a mother.

@isthisodd283 what does your DH say about it? Couldn’t he speak to BIL about the boundaries?

I’m really concerned that OP seems too scared to do anything about this 😞 OP I can make the application for you into Sarah’s Law, and the DV one, Claire’s Law as PP mentioned. But I can’t take your place in your house 😕 I would do it in s heartbeat, I would tell him directly or your sister. I think it’s disgusting that your mother seems to be dismissing you like this but not really surprised. OP you’re concerned about everyone else’s feelings but your own and they don’t seem concerned about your feelings whatsoever. Are you a single mum or IIRC you mentioned DDs dad?

@sprite25 There are so many apologists for inappropriate behaviour that I wonder sometimes of their intentions! Apparently it’s just silly wokery to prioritise your baby over family member’s partner. Statistically, there must be pedophiles on here too.

@Palmfrond

I can’t help but wonder, how does this 40 yr old childless (??) man know how to change a nappy anyway?

Good point, maybe he watches videos online 🤮

@Palmfrond I’m really concerned that OP seems alone in this, with everyone dismissing her concerns and instincts.

OP, what exactly did your mother say about how he refuses to hand baby over, kissing/nuzzling after told not to? You don’t have to accuse him of being a pedophile, just the factual things that actually are occurring are enough red flags, he repeatedly ignored your boundaries.

OP I think it’s obvious that someone like you would be a perfect target for grooming, I think he’s already groomed your sister and mother.

@sprite25 Well said btw. But a lot of people are more passive and have been trained to ignore their instincts. I know because it was done to me and when I was molested at 7 by foster ‘carer’ I froze and had no idea what was happening and never disclosed until adulthood. And my own father said it’s my fault and responsibility, even though he trained me to obey all adults and ignore my own feelings and needs. He died the other week so I have to to forgive him but it’s extremely hard. If people knew how sexual abuse destroys you, even if happens at v young age, the body remembers, they wouldn’t be so shy and weary of taking action.

Even if no sinister intentions his repeated disregard for reasonable boundaries shows who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them.

I would not be happy at all with my mother dismissing me about this. DD is OP’s child not the DM. DM is only concerned with her other daughter’s feelings and her partner.

Is your DSis the golden child, OP?

I think we can support OP and point out the toxic elements of this situation without accusing this man of being a paedophile tbh. I can see the red flags in this situation don't get me wrong but there's just no need. Most men by age 40 will likely have changed a nappy or at least seen one changed even if they have no kids. It's pretty awful to accuse him of 'watching videos' I have male relatives and friends who are very affectionate with my daughter and play wonderfully with her. I think we can and absolutely should normalise this if we really want an equal and empowered society. The difference is though that these male friends and relatives don't make me feel in the least bit uncomfortable and don't do anything that I asked them not to. I think we can encourage OP to stand up for herself and set boundaries without accusing someone we in reality we know very little about if serious crimes tbh. It's irrelevent. He should be respecting her and her baby's autonomy. That's the only thing we can or need to conclude from this

I recently had to break off all contact with a person for similar disturbing behaviour, where boundaries were being pushed and I won't allow this person around my son anymore.

40 year old man who is getting married to a 25 year old that he’s known a year and has split with three times within that year?

Even without everything you’ve said - this mean is a walking red flag.

Sounds creepy. Trust your instincts.

Most cases of sexual abuse are done by a family member/friend/someone known and trusted.

You don't have to justify anything to anyone. Even if he happens to be completely innocent, you have the right and obligation to protect your child.

As far as I'm aware if the police do find they have info they need to share they will contact you in a way that you have told them is safe and appropriate

If there's a higher level risk it does become more complicated - but then if that is the case I wouldn't give a shit about the person who is the risk knowing I had their number! Literally!

Your sisters own difficulties are not your problem or responsibility here.

Like another Csa survivor upthread I too suffer from serious mental illness largely I believe as a response to what I went through.

So while I absolutely sympathise with your sister I still say your priority HAS to be to protect your child

Sinister intentions or not, he has zero respect for your boundaries as a mother.

Definitely!

@AutomaticMoon yes unfortunately you are right there will be abusers and enablers on mn.

Over the years I'm afraid I have come to the conclusion that not only is there a Paedo on every corner there's one in most families I reckon.

I think it's FAR more prevalent than even the estimates of the charities that work in this area.

From talking to various Mh professionals over the years they certainly seem to think it's pretty common based on how many service users they come into contact with who've experienced abuse. One told me (older person v experienced) said that she very rarely comes across a service user who HASN'T been abused or doesn't say so - and of course even in that scenario not everyone will disclose!

@Jannt86 No, childless men of any age won’t know how to change a nappy!
I do agree that one doesn’t need to jump to accusing someone of being a paedophile, but tbh OP doesn’t need to; Her kid, her rules. And tbh he and the situation with the sister does sound weird and bad.

@NuffSaidSam WHO said they believe everybody's a paedophile?!?!?! Absolutely nobody. You're just making stuff up for the sake of it now

@Maxiedog123

Is this your sister's husband?

Doesn't make much difference, and not saying that just because they are an 'in law' even your blood relatives can be all sorts of things and do all sorts. But it does annoy me and anger me when people think it's terrible that you could speak so badly of that person but not about the way they act. Sorry I'm not saying those were your reasons for asking just putting it out there.

Op if there is nothing to share via Sarah Law then your BIL won’t know anything of your contacting the police for a check. So please call back with all your info. Maybe do a Clare’s law app too in case he is a risk to your sister (some of his behaviour sounds controlling and manipulative).

If there is, then as you are the parent of the child they’d give you enough information to keep your child safe for any risk posed.

“ Even if no sinister intentions his repeated disregard for reasonable boundaries shows who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them. ”

This. It is beautifully put.

I’ll be honest and say I find his behaviour a bit strange but OP’s even stranger as it’s her child so she needs to just tell him straight that No he can’t hold the baby.

No, childless men of any age won’t know how to change a nappy!

Nonsense. Plenty of childless men know how to change nappies. Plenty of men will have grown up with younger siblings/nieces and nephews etc.
Anyone who works as a paramedic or auxiliary nurse has a good chance of having to have changed a nappy.
Anyone who works as a doctor, nurse or in a nursery will 100% have changed multiple nappies.
Doctors and nurses do placements in different areas including paediatrics.

However they still wouldn't offer to change their on/off girlfriends sisters baby's nappy because that's weird.

he never just picks her up. but how do i say ‘stop letting your fiancé into my house’. i basically have to stop letting her into my house too, which is fine obviously if it means he’s not around dd

You say "please don't let X into my house when he picks you up. The way he acts with DD makes me uncomfortable and he refuses to accept/respect my boundaries."

[quote Palmfrond]@Jannt86 No, childless men of any age won’t know how to change a nappy!
I do agree that one doesn’t need to jump to accusing someone of being a paedophile, but tbh OP doesn’t need to; Her kid, her rules. And tbh he and the situation with the sister does sound weird and bad.[/quote]
I totally agree that this man is being inappropriate and I wouldn’t have him around my child.

But I don’t think knowing how to change a nappy is that suspicious on its own - it’s not exactly difficult. No one showed DH or me how to do it and DD still ended up with a clean bum and a nappy on the right way.
Offering to change it however, is weird. Even by itself it’s weird, but combined with all the other things it’s definitely off.

but how do i say ‘stop letting your fiancé into my house’

Just like that. “Please stop letting your fiancé into my house.” And if she ignores you, you need to be equally blunt with him. “Do not touch my child. You need to leave now.”

He has ignored your requests to stop doing certain things, and has ignored you asking to pass your baby back to you. He’s lost the right to be asked nicely because you know he doesn’t listen and continues to cross boundaries and behave inappropriately.

Do you have a partner? Does he share your concerns even if your mum doesn’t?

Babies are very kissable and huggable. I don't know anyone in real life that won't let anyone cuddle and kiss their baby. You don't trust him, just keep him in sight. I loved my uncle though and getting big hugs and squishes from him.

Just to add, from personal experience you will probably be waiting for a cold day in hell before your family actually support you in this so f&%k them and use your own initiative . Most families are funny and dysfunctional and prefer to bury their heads in the sand even when the signs are right in front of them. Your focus is to ensure that cycle doesn't continue. You don't need evidence that this man is or isn't a criminal to do that x