to find BIL behaviour strange around my child

[isthisodd283]

feel free to tell me if you think i’m over anxious about this

basically my BIL is 40 - sister is 15 years younger. not sure if that matters but anyway.

i have a 10 month old daughter and my BIL is a bit odd around her and i don’t know if i’m just thinking too far into things.

my worry is basically he is the only person who will kiss her - i have asked a thousand times for him not to and he still does. he also does this thing where he nuzzles into her neck and kisses at her neck etc which makes me feel sick but don’t know if that’s me seeing things differently? also he will walk off into a room with her by himself. nobody else feels the need to have alone time with her so why does he? i follow him literally everywhere as i don’t like it. also he will not hand her back easily. if she’s crying or whinging or if someone else just wants to hold her he will outright blank them and pretend he can’t hear them and just keep a grip of her. it’s so weird. obviously i just grab her but like my mum for instance felt very put out by this

also yesterday we had a meal at my house just me my sister and a few friends (all women, no partners invited). he came into the house as he wanted to see my daughter specifically. wanted to tell him to fuck off it’s a girls night and everyone was just awkwardly waiting for him to get out. luckily dd just cried when he tried to hold her so he left quickly anyway.

but aibu to find him odd? i feel like i should trust my instincts and i would never let him or her babysit for this reason but don’t know if i’m being daft

@isthisodd283

sorry haven’t got through all the replies yet just to answer a few questions -

he dropped my sister off for the meal, which is when he came in. everyone else was already there and she was late which is why it was awkward too as everyone was just waiting for him to go. he was meant to drop her off and go to poker but he came in and said i’m just here to have a cuddle with (my dd) like why??

also no i haven’t realised with my sister. problem is everything i or someone else says to her gets instantly fed back so as soon as i voice my concerns they will be fed back to him and she will probably go no contact with me as i know what she’s like. that’s fine if my insticts are right but if my instincts are wrong and she cuts me off obviously not ideal

Her problem. Your focus should be on protecting your child. Don’t give a fuck about what your sister thinks

Sorry, posted too soon.

What's the family dynamic like between you, your sister and your mother? Between your sister - if you raise concerns "she will probably go no contact with me as i know what she’s like" and your mother - "i just grab her but like my mum for instance felt very put out by this", I'm not getting a picture of a supportive family for you.

Also, I'd be considering just not letting him into my house. "I find your behaviour when your in my home disrespectful and I've decided enough is enough."

YANBU This is not ok. Don’t let him erode boundaries. So many abusers groom families this way.

I don't kiss babies. I have never kissed babies (I have none of my own).

This man's behaviour is a safeguarding red flag. You need to physically prevent him having physical contact with your child.

He sounds creepy. Follow your instincts preferably without offending anyone, but protecting your child take’s precedence every time.

I would say to BiL that if he insists on kissing her after you have said you are uncomfortable with it then he will not be allowed contact. Some families do snuggle and kiss babies so it might just be that he is used to this form of showing affection.

With the current covid situation you have a perfect excuse. In my day I would have cited germs and cold sores.

Can we assume he has no children of his own?

He could be a very loving uncle who will add immeasurably to your daughter’s life so try not to offend him.

I don't kiss babies. I have never kissed babies (I have none of my own).

Same. I don't think that's unusual - at least not anymore. There is no need. Especially not if the parents have said not to.

Can you do a background check? he sounds creepy

@Esspee

He sounds creepy. Follow your instincts preferably without offending anyone, but protecting your child take’s precedence every time.

I would say to BiL that if he insists on kissing her after you have said you are uncomfortable with it then he will not be allowed contact. Some families do snuggle and kiss babies so it might just be that he is used to this form of showing affection.

With the current covid situation you have a perfect excuse. In my day I would have cited germs and cold sores.

Can we assume he has no children of his own?

He could be a very loving uncle who will add immeasurably to your daughter’s life so try not to offend him.

To the last bit. No he couldn't be a fantastic uncle.

He ignores the ops requests to hand her baby back when she's crying. How can he possibly be a great uncle?

That and he ignores her requests with her daughters boundaries. He walks off with her (wtf?). He has shown absolutely no respect for the op in being the baby's mother.

Why should the op worry about upsetting his feelings? He clearly couldn't give a fuck about hers.

Yeah gross. He's ignoring your boundaries with your daughter. Imagine she is 15 and asking him not to kiss her and he keeps doing it?? Just because it's you asking in her behalf it's no less creepy. He's a creepy creep creep. I'd never let him hold my child again, and I'd tell him very clearly why.

Taking her off to be alone with her would be a big no from me ! Very odd.

This is very very odd.
Trust yourself and start putting in firm boundaries now.

Why was he allowed to let himself in your home when you had friends there and didn’t want him there?

Forget about any politeness. Next time he asks to spend time with her or hold her say no. That’s if you even need to be around him at all. If possible just don’t be in the same place as him.

Please dear god even if you can’t manage no contact then never leave baby alone with him.n

@ShinyHappyPoster

Why does no-one kiss your baby? That's unusual. As for your BIL, treat him the same way you would treat anyone because there are no neon signs or flashing lights when someone can't be trusted. He doesn't need extra safeguarding. All adults need the same. If you think you can rely on 'instincts' you will leave your DC at risk.

What a load of bollocks. Instincts count for everything when it comes to survival. So does common sense. And no one kisses young babies that aren’t their own anymore. Between Covid and more awareness of the herpes virus people generally aren’t stupid enough to take the risk anymore.

I’m sorry to say op that when I read posts like yours it’s clear why the dynamics in some families allow child abusers to abuse their victims.

This man has overstepped boundaries several times and no one has stopped him. In fact your sister, not recognising his inappropriate behaviour, is enabling it. Sounds like several people find his behaviour uncomfortable and yes he’s continued to be allowed to hold your baby, kiss her and stay in your home when he’s clearly not part of the intended activity.

Keep him the HELL away from your child!

Frankly I'd be doing a Sarah's law check on this creep

As a mother your job is to protect your child. Learn to be MUCH more assertive

Put him on notice! Do you have a partner/is baby's dad around? If so he needs to have a word telling him to back the hell off!

Grooming and abuse can and does occur when adults are present

He sounds a bit odd, but not like a paedophile if that's what you're getting at?

What are you basing that on? I'm a Csa survivor myself

so as soon as i voice my concerns they will be fed back to him

Good!!!!

This guy needs told

Your dd comes before your sister

To the PP who says it didn't sound like a paedophile- I'm afraid this is exactly how it starts.

Yep

Sadly those without experience/training often don't know this.

Paedophiles don't jump straight to worst case scenario it's a very slow buildup

It’s all in plain sight. So many people will look back with hindsight and say “yeah he was a bit weird”.

So so much happens in plain sight it's a way of teaching the targeted victim that others think it's ok and they should too!!

Can you do a background check? he sounds creepy

That's what Sarah's law is.

If you aren't comfortable being upfront, just blame Covid19.

"BIL, we are in the middle of a pandemic, do NOT kiss or touch my child. This is not up for discussion, you need to respect my wishes"

I would find it with weird, creepy and inappropriate. He is either a creep or lacks self awareness. You child is priority not your sister's feelings

It is very unusual for a man to be so loving towards a child who isn’t even blood related. This doesn’t necessarily mean this man is a pedophile of course, but I definitely would not chance ever leaving my DD alone with him that’s for sure!

@NuffSaidSam

He sounds a bit odd, but not like a paedophile if that's what you're getting at?

I think it's quite sad that no-one else kisses your baby! But, he should respect your wishes on that and give her back when she cries/you ask him to. None of that is acceptable.

If you don't feel comfortable, then keep your distance.

You know just how a paedophile behaves around children do you???

Is he Italian or Mediterranean ? That is extremely common in my sisters Greeks Cypriot family things that would make me a bit shifty are perfectly normal and accepted in hers

He's starting to groom her. Trust your instincts.

You know just how a paedophile behaves around children do you??? hmm

Op asked for opinions.

I gave mine. Like every single other poster on this thread.

Would I assume, based on the description of his behaviour, that he was a paedophile? No.

I find his behaviour highly concerning, and it makes me question the large age gap and dynamic between him and your sister. How old was she when they first got together?

You are quite right, it’s creepy not normal behaviour. Don’t be afraid to be much more assertive, don’t worry about offending anyone in order to protect your child.

@NuffSaidSam

You know just how a paedophile behaves around children do you??? hmm

Op asked for opinions.

I gave mine. Like every single other poster on this thread.

Would I assume, based on the description of his behaviour, that he was a paedophile? No.

Yes it's fine to give an opinion but you must be prepared for people to comment on any ridiculous things you say!

Paedophiles do not immediately start undressing children ffs! 🤢

Attitudes like this are why so many abused children are never believed

Why are you putting his feelings above your daughter??? He doesn't hold her. End of. If someone ignored me saying not to kiss my child, that would be the last time they would be in my vicinity. Don't allow it next time, and if he insists, you look that creepy motherfucker in the eye and say I said no.

*Yes it's fine to give an opinion but you must be prepared for people to comment on any ridiculous things you say!

Paedophiles do not immediately start undressing children ffs! 🤢

Attitudes like this are why so many abused children are never believed*

Sure, comment away. That's how Mumsnet works.

People with ill intent towards children generally try not to arouse suspicion. This person is very openly behaving in a socially unacceptable way. To me, and this is just my opinion, he sounds like an odd person/poor social skills rather than a paedophile.

Believing that everyone is a paedophile is not the solution to children not being believed when they report abuse.