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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find BIL behaviour strange around my child

221 replies

isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 12:48

feel free to tell me if you think i’m over anxious about this

basically my BIL is 40 - sister is 15 years younger. not sure if that matters but anyway.

i have a 10 month old daughter and my BIL is a bit odd around her and i don’t know if i’m just thinking too far into things.

my worry is basically he is the only person who will kiss her - i have asked a thousand times for him not to and he still does. he also does this thing where he nuzzles into her neck and kisses at her neck etc which makes me feel sick but don’t know if that’s me seeing things differently? also he will walk off into a room with her by himself. nobody else feels the need to have alone time with her so why does he? i follow him literally everywhere as i don’t like it. also he will not hand her back easily. if she’s crying or whinging or if someone else just wants to hold her he will outright blank them and pretend he can’t hear them and just keep a grip of her. it’s so weird. obviously i just grab her but like my mum for instance felt very put out by this

also yesterday we had a meal at my house just me my sister and a few friends (all women, no partners invited). he came into the house as he wanted to see my daughter specifically. wanted to tell him to fuck off it’s a girls night and everyone was just awkwardly waiting for him to get out. luckily dd just cried when he tried to hold her so he left quickly anyway.

but aibu to find him odd? i feel like i should trust my instincts and i would never let him or her babysit for this reason but don’t know if i’m being daft

OP posts:
AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 21:13

‘he dropped my sister off for the meal, which is when he came in. everyone else was already there and she was late which is why it was awkward too as everyone was just waiting for him to go. he was meant to drop her off and go to poker but he came in and said i’m just here to have a cuddle with (my dd) like why??

also no i haven’t realised with my sister. problem is everything i or someone else says to her gets instantly fed back so as soon as i voice my concerns they will be fed back to him and she will probably go no contact with me as i know what she’s like. that’s fine if my insticts are right but if my instincts are wrong and she cuts me off obviously not ideal‘

HUGE red flag. Cannot believe a PP said he was being polite?! Like how do you figure 🤯

If you’re worried about your sister going no contact because her partner is acting inappropriately with your baby... If it was me, I would choose to protect my baby over the feelings of my adult sister. Your baby is not a toy, not for him to ‘practice’ being a dad on or whatever bs excuse he’ll come up with next. I think your instincts are spot on. Unless you have PTSD/cPTSD or other biological reasons (paranoia, etc) your instincts are functioning perfectly.

SisterAgatha · 29/01/2022 21:14

My BIL is like this with my niece who is now much older. Even more so than with his own daughter. I find him creepy as fuck. I’ve always remained as cold as I can towards him and as such he doesn’t go near my DD. My daughter (5) is the sort who would loudly say “don’t touch me” to any adult regardless of age or family position and i would never correct her for it either.

In your position I would become very cold towards him. Make it very open to him that you don’t trust him and will be watching his every move, without saying it directly. Every kiss would be met with a very cold “don’t put your mouth on my baby”, every attempt to wander off with her would be met with “where are you taking her? Bring her back”. Keep this all open and loud and eventually your sister will approach him for you, and he’ll give up because he knows the jig is up. And if he’s NOT a paedophile, his behaviour has still been corrected and all is good.

angryfalafel · 29/01/2022 21:19

It does sound so unnerving and it gives me the creeps just reading it.

You've had some good advice on here.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/01/2022 21:37

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Totally weird, totally inappropriate behaviour. My throat felt tight reading it.

He would not be welcome in my house and I would physically not let him over the threshold. I wouldn't attend any event with parents / family with my child if he was present. If he arrived I would take my child and leave.
And I wouldn't give two flying fuck if my sister didn't like it.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 29/01/2022 21:42

We have had a 2 year pandemic and your BIL thinks it appropriate to kiss your baby? What planet is he on? Talk to your sister / tell him his behaviour is not appropriate and keep well away. What does your partner say? Trust your instincts.

Palmfrond · 29/01/2022 21:57

Holy Hell absolutely fucking no.
I changed my own kids nappies something vaguely approximating my fair share of the time, because I wanted to be a good husband, but I can tell you for a fact that there is no normal man on this earth who’s going to volunteer to change some kids nappy who’s not their own, not even related by blood, not even related by marriage. Hell no.
And the neck nuzzling thing. Omfg. No.
You need to speak to family or friends irl about this. They will confirm it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/01/2022 23:12

I changed my own kids nappies something vaguely approximating my fair share of the time, because I wanted to be a good husband

Changing your own child's nappies isn't doing their mum a favour pal, it's part of parenting.

Livpool · 29/01/2022 23:28

This is very weird.

The only baby I have kissed it my own. And I have never kissed DS' neck - that is fucking weird

WidgetyWoo · 29/01/2022 23:39

Odd behaviour.

I had a man behave like that, walking away just out of sight with baby DD, waving me away and joking that she was okay with him, when it was obvious that I wanted her back. We were on holiday abroad and he worked at the hotel, in a country where men are generally friendly to children.

However, I had baby twins and it was only DD he kept picking up, not DS. I mentioned it to my mother and said I felt uncomfortable. My mother (who is not normally very supportive and generally brushes things aside) reacted by matching straight over to get DD and told him firmly to stop picking her up as I didn’t like it.

I was surprised at how reacted straight away, but she said the same thing about instinct.

WidgetyWoo · 29/01/2022 23:40

( it happened on more than one occasion, not just a one off)

ozymandiusking · 29/01/2022 23:42

Trust your instincts. She is your baby. So, he doesn't get to kiss her wander off with her. Don't let him in the house without your sister.
Make an excuse, lie, anything.
I don't think his behaviour is normal.

FlasherMcGruff · 29/01/2022 23:43

I can’t accept that a normal man without children would volunteer to change a baby’s nappy that’s not related to them (when the baby’s parent is right there and able to do it) for no reason at all. That with the neck nuzzling and kissing that you’ve asked him not to do is crossing a very clear boundary. I also would not leave him alone for a second and I also think you need to say a very urgent, serious word of warning since he’s apparently thinks your requests so far can just be ignored.

“NO. It’s totally inappropriate for you to behave like that with my baby. You are crossing my boundaries. I will not tell you again.”

Original poster
isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 23:46

thanks so much for all of the responses. i feel a bit less like i’m being daft now! the problem i have is that everytime i see my sister i see him - he picks her up and drops her off everywhere and shows up randomly if we go out. if i avoid him i have to avoid her. i am thinking of just not meeting up with her for a while to avoid him completely.

i hate that she’s marrying him, he screams red flags to me - he answers her phone when i ring her all the time, he invites himself into my house, he just seems very controlling and really makes me feel funny. one of the times they broke up he sent her a massive love letter begging for her back and it was such a ridiculous emotional letter that it came across as fake etc. i don’t know. just something off about him but how do i even say that. all i can think right now is cutting her loose for a bit and , if she asks why, being honest

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 23:48

also the pp who said he was being polite by coming into my house uninvited just to see my baby when i have guests over… just… HmmConfused

OP posts:
IrishMama2015 · 29/01/2022 23:52

OP my DSis boyfriend was like this. Overly attentive to my PFB and always trying to walk off with him, full on physically affectionate with them, praising me for breastfeeding, always offering to mind while we worked. Really strange out of character OTT stuff. We had known him ten years and he was NC with own family and nieces and nephew and a lousy father to his DC with my DSis. Completely turned my stomach,other people commented on it to me. I really set our boundaries and never let him alone with them. He f'ed off and abandoned his own children and DSis a few years back now. I don't miss him

blubberyboo · 29/01/2022 23:56

Yanbu
He sounds really creepy and controlling of your sis
Keep your guard up at all times and don’t be afraid to be firm and demanding

BlackeyedSusan · 29/01/2022 23:58

He is already abusing your and your baby's boundaries. Really worrying.

phaginarelange · 30/01/2022 00:05

This man has been asked not to kiss your baby and ignored your wishes. Nuzzles her neck?? Protect your child and keep this man away from her. He knows what you're thinking and doesn't give a shiny shite. Trust your gut, before he abuses your daughter

nalabae · 30/01/2022 00:13

Does your child always seem to cry when he holds her?
You need to tell him his behaviour isn’t appropriate and she’s your kid.
Trust your gut

Tamworth123 · 30/01/2022 00:14

Pp have coveted things re your dd, but your 25 (?) yr old sister also sounds like she needs an intervention with this 40 yr old creepy, controlling, suffocating weirdo.

If they've finished 3 times already, surely she can be reasoned with.

Awful to give up on her unless ut's impossible she's so young. Her brain may not even have developed maturely until 4vyrs ago. He's almost old enough to be her Dad.

Tamworth123 · 30/01/2022 00:14

*covered

Tamworth123 · 30/01/2022 00:16

If she proceeds with the relationship/marriage, you may end up having to go NC and that will be even worse for her.

Chocaholic9 · 30/01/2022 00:16

I agree with the other people on here to trust your instincts. My instincts about creepy fuckers have usually proved correct.

Tamworth123 · 30/01/2022 00:18

Oh and incidentally, the vast majority of jen change their own kids nappies under duress/resignation/duty, as with many kid related care tasks ..... it is truly weird for a bloke to want tondo messy, snelky intimate care tasks with an (opposite sex to boot) baby who is not his.

The neck kissing and nuzzling is weird too.

Poor baby even just from the effect of stubble, without getting on to anything else.

Palmfrond · 30/01/2022 00:22

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I changed my own kids nappies something vaguely approximating my fair share of the time, because I wanted to be a good husband

Changing your own child's nappies isn't doing their mum a favour pal, it's part of parenting.

I was giving a man’s perspective re the impropriety of the BIL’s behaviour and the safety of the OP’s daughter, not trying to be an apologist for the patriarchy, pal.
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