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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find BIL behaviour strange around my child

221 replies

isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 12:48

feel free to tell me if you think i’m over anxious about this

basically my BIL is 40 - sister is 15 years younger. not sure if that matters but anyway.

i have a 10 month old daughter and my BIL is a bit odd around her and i don’t know if i’m just thinking too far into things.

my worry is basically he is the only person who will kiss her - i have asked a thousand times for him not to and he still does. he also does this thing where he nuzzles into her neck and kisses at her neck etc which makes me feel sick but don’t know if that’s me seeing things differently? also he will walk off into a room with her by himself. nobody else feels the need to have alone time with her so why does he? i follow him literally everywhere as i don’t like it. also he will not hand her back easily. if she’s crying or whinging or if someone else just wants to hold her he will outright blank them and pretend he can’t hear them and just keep a grip of her. it’s so weird. obviously i just grab her but like my mum for instance felt very put out by this

also yesterday we had a meal at my house just me my sister and a few friends (all women, no partners invited). he came into the house as he wanted to see my daughter specifically. wanted to tell him to fuck off it’s a girls night and everyone was just awkwardly waiting for him to get out. luckily dd just cried when he tried to hold her so he left quickly anyway.

but aibu to find him odd? i feel like i should trust my instincts and i would never let him or her babysit for this reason but don’t know if i’m being daft

OP posts:
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/01/2022 13:06

@Mummytobe93

I’m guessing he dropped his wife off for the girls eve and poped in? Rather than went there out of nowhere?

Calmgirl · 29/01/2022 13:07

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It might be completely innocent but your description of his behaviour sent my alarm bells ringing.

grapewine · 29/01/2022 13:07

Nuzzling the neck just gives me 🤮. So far over the line. You need to find your voice on this, OP.

Rachaelrachael · 29/01/2022 13:10

As a mum to a 10 month old I would completely freak out if a non blood related family member was nuzzling my baby's neck, ignoring my requests to stop and taking her out of the room. Please trust your instincts! This behaviour sounds really worrying

ComDummings · 29/01/2022 13:13

That is disgusting. Trust your instincts. Always.

amylou8 · 29/01/2022 13:15

Sounds like the relationship I had with my Uncle, who was a lovely man. BUT you're uncomfortable, you instincts are saying something is off. Let him dote on your niece, but never ever unsupervised.

Mummytobe93 · 29/01/2022 13:15

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@Mummytobe93

I’m guessing he dropped his wife off for the girls eve and poped in? Rather than went there out of nowhere?[/quote]
If we read OPs post she said that “he came into the house as he wanted to see my daughter specifically.”

I’m tempted to assume (maybe wrongly) that said BIL hasn’t got a wife or kids.

girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 13:16

@Mummytobe93 she said her sisters 15 years younger than him. It's her sisters partner.

Original poster
isthisodd283 · 29/01/2022 13:18

sorry haven’t got through all the replies yet just to answer a few questions -

he dropped my sister off for the meal, which is when he came in. everyone else was already there and she was late which is why it was awkward too as everyone was just waiting for him to go. he was meant to drop her off and go to poker but he came in and said i’m just here to have a cuddle with (my dd) like why??

also no i haven’t realised with my sister. problem is everything i or someone else says to her gets instantly fed back so as soon as i voice my concerns they will be fed back to him and she will probably go no contact with me as i know what she’s like. that’s fine if my insticts are right but if my instincts are wrong and she cuts me off obviously not ideal

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 13:20

she will probably go no contact with me as i know what she’s like. that’s fine if my insticts are right but if my instincts are wrong and she cuts me off obviously not ideal

The problem is you won't know your instincts are right until it's too late.

grapewine · 29/01/2022 13:20

Your daughter needs you to put her first.

godmum56 · 29/01/2022 13:26

your babay your house your rules. Sorry but care for your baby trumps your relationship with your sister.

PaganOfTheGoodTimes · 29/01/2022 13:26

To the PP who says it didn't sound like a paedophile- I'm afraid this is exactly how it starts. The BIL is sending a message to OP and her DD, that his relationship with dd is special, the rules don't apply to him, and what he needs is the most important thing. Paedophiles groom families long before they start the abuse.

OP - trust your instincts on this. From now on he is never with the baby alone - doesn't touch her, and I wouldn't send dd unsupervised for babysitting at your sisters house either, it would be too easy for her to need to pop out on an errand for BIL..

Lorw · 29/01/2022 13:27

I nuzzle my nieces neck, makes her giggle but if my brother didn’t want me to do that I wouldn’t, I don’t think it’s odd in itself but if you’re not comfortable then you should put some very strong boundaries in place, if your sister goes NC then she’s the problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

Devo1818 · 29/01/2022 13:30

How long have they been together, out of interest?

RuthTopp · 29/01/2022 13:32

Is he older and his own dc are past the baby / toddler stage and they are unlikely to have more children ?
It could just be that , or some other harmless reason.
However , if you feel uncomfortable about this , she is your child to protect how you feel fit . Speak to your sister and tell her you are getting to the stage where you do not want him in your home, reason being you have certain ways with bringing her up and he is not respectful of them and inspite of you asking him , he continues to go against you. A word in his war from her might work.
If not , make her unavailable to him . If you are at someone's house and they arrive , leave .

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2022 13:32

Trust your instincts. This is odd behaviour and he is sending the message he’s in charge, his relationship with your dd is special, sacred. It may or may not be sexually motivated but it certainly isn’t innocent. He is grooming her and those around her for reasons unknown.

I agree with the advice not to leave your dd alone with your sister.

Soubriquet · 29/01/2022 13:34

Why would he kiss her on the neck?! That’s just weird

A kiss on the head is normal but the neck is creepy

Yanbu

Clutterbugsmum · 29/01/2022 13:37

So he’s 40 and you’re sister is 25.

It could be innocent and he just wants a baby, and your sister not at the point in her life.
But either way he crossing your boundaries.

ShinyHappyPoster · 29/01/2022 13:44

Why does no-one kiss your baby? That's unusual.
As for your BIL, treat him the same way you would treat anyone because there are no neon signs or flashing lights when someone can't be trusted. He doesn't need extra safeguarding. All adults need the same. If you think you can rely on 'instincts' you will leave your DC at risk.

dottydodah · 29/01/2022 14:05

TBH I dont think you need a "reason " to not feel comfortable around this man.He is at best being bossy and demanding .Its your little girl not his FFS! Just limit visits .If he says he wants to hold her ,or demonstrate this odd behaviour then say you need to leave ASAP. Dont worry about offending anyone ! He is being very disrespectful .Listen to your gut feeling

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/01/2022 14:14

"also no i haven’t realised with my sister. problem is everything i or someone else says to her gets instantly fed back so as soon as i voice my concerns they will be fed back to him and she will probably go no contact with me as i know what she’s like. that’s fine if my insticts are right but if my instincts are wrong and she cuts me off obviously not ideal"

In which case I would raise my concerns directly with him. And I'd be very, very blunt. If your sister gets a bag on about that, that's on her. But you are your baby's mother and you get to say what happens to her.

So you posted "i have asked a thousand times for him not to and he still does." Then from now, he does not have any opportunity to kiss her. The instant he comes through your door you pick up your baby and don't let go. He comes near you looking to kiss her, you state firmly 'I've asked you not to, so I'm saying it again- NO.' Refuse to allow him to hold her. She's your baby, what you say, goes.

"also he will walk off into a room with her by himself." Then he doesn't get the chance to do so. You keep a firm hold of her, and tell him 'No, I don't like it when you take my baby out of my presence'.

"i follow him literally everywhere as i don’t like it. also he will not hand her back easily." Again, firmly refuse him. He doesn't get to pick her up, he doesn't get to take her out of the room and he absolutely doesn't get any say in the matter.

"if she’s crying or whinging or if someone else just wants to hold her he will outright blank them and pretend he can’t hear them and just keep a grip of her."
He can't pull any of this shit if he's not allowed to hold her in the first place. And frankly this behaviour of his is creepy as fuck to me.

"obviously i just grab her but like my mum for instance felt very put out by this"
Honestly, fuck your mother. She is YOUR baby; and your mother, your sister, her husband - they can all just go fuck themselves. Your baby, your responsibility, your call.

Trust your instincts.

Iggly · 29/01/2022 14:16

@PaganOfTheGoodTimes

To the PP who says it didn't sound like a paedophile- I'm afraid this is exactly how it starts. The BIL is sending a message to OP and her DD, that his relationship with dd is special, the rules don't apply to him, and what he needs is the most important thing. Paedophiles groom families long before they start the abuse.

OP - trust your instincts on this. From now on he is never with the baby alone - doesn't touch her, and I wouldn't send dd unsupervised for babysitting at your sisters house either, it would be too easy for her to need to pop out on an errand for BIL..

^this

It’s all in plain sight. So many people will look back with hindsight and say “yeah he was a bit weird”.

I would just not let him near your daughter again.

Iggly · 29/01/2022 14:17

You’ll also have to keep her away from situations where she may be near him when you’re not there as well. So any visits to family, any babysitting - think very carefully.

Suzanne999 · 29/01/2022 14:19

Trust your instincts. This doesn’t sound right to me, the kissing, walking into your house to see your DD and walking off into a separate room with her…..that’s not normal behaviour.
Firm boundaries are needed now.

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