To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

I feel the same way as you but I suspect we'll be in the minority.

I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

Sorry about your brother.

I would say do what you find easiest and most cost effective.

If they wish to have a memorial to say goodbye they can do this as and when they wish

I think it’s something you need to discuss as a family.

Personally I would much rather my loved ones met at a local restaurant and had a good meal and few drinks sharing memories than have a traditional funeral service. I know for others the service itself is important though.

I don't want a funeral. I'm happy for everyone who knows/knew me to go to the pub together for a knees up.

I personally find funerals helpful but if you don't, that's fine. I would prepay for what you want, but perhaps don't lay down the law to your family - leave them to decide if they want an additional memorial or gathering at the time. That way they know your wishes but can also do something for themselves if they need to.

This removes the pressure (and cost) of having a funeral because it's 'tradition'.

If they still want a service then they can arrange a memorial service themselves.

I want a direct cremation and have stipulated to my family that I do not want a funeral, for all the reasons you have stated op plus if people want to see me they can do so whilst I'm here.

Mil threatened to do this, it didn't happen. I was going to do it for my mum but it the end we did a cremation with a short half hour slot for a few songs and to say goodbye. It worked well as just a few of us, no drama and cost me £1k.

A friend did a direct funeral a couple of years ago. After a suitable time several fruends met up for a meal, we had a place set for her. We had lunch, drink chatted about the good times we'd had. It was nice, no one felt bad about not wearing black as she hated that. Her family did something similar. She had what she wanted in the end and tgats what mattered. Thinking of doing the same for me. ...

I hate funerals. My sister has signed up with Pure Cremation and I think I'm going to too. The kids will have my ashes, they know where I want them scattered, and I'll leave them a lump sum to have a family party, where they can reminisce, play my favourite 70s/80s disco music and celebrate my life.

Its difficult because I don't care about my own funeral. Whatever the kids and dp wants is fine with me.

But, I would have even pretty devastated if mum hadn't have had a funeral. But it depends on your families. Mum died 8 weeks and 2 days ago. We had to wait 4 weeks for the funeral which fell between Christmas and New year. The wait was awful. But I did feel the funeral itself helped.

Mum was Irish, living in England. She cane home the night before, full mass etc. It is important for us to do all the bit.

Exh families really wouldn't have minded either way. Dps family are more the direct cremation type too. My dad said we can do what we want with him, he isn't Irish or Catholic. But I would want a funeral for him.

I dont think not having one is wrong. But I would personally find it upsetting, if it was my parents. But again, I would still go with the wishes of the person who died. If dad was very adamant about no funeral. There would be no funeral.

I hate funerals and am definitely going for a direct cremation. If I have time I'll organise a family get together in a lovely restaurant or venue and a hundred pounds as a gift to people

RagzRebooted a similar funeral-( 20 mins at Crem and cremation) cost me over £4000. I don't know how you managed it for£1K

I don't want a funeral and agree they are awful 😞 everything about them

My in-laws have both said that this is what they want. Their point of view is that most of the people they'd want to be present are gone now and the people who aren't should visit now while they're still alive. DH, DS and me are okay with it if that's what they want.

We did direct cremation for my dad as it was during lockdown and I didn't feel the funeral of 6 people for half hour would be comforting for us or the people unable to attend. He was 68 and he death was a shock (not Covid related).

One of the hardest bits about it was getting an email that said when he had been cremated e.g we got an email at 2pm saying he has been cremated at 11am. This is standard and might be worth mentioning to your family how it'll work in practice. It felt difficult to know it had happened and I'd been going about my day at that time unaware. However, I don't regret the decision and know my dad would have approved.

When we had the ashes returned we had a small gathering to scatter them at his favourite place with a larger group, a drink or two and good chat. It was the closure we needed but relaxed and less pressure than a funeral.

Direct cremation or burial would be my preference too. I’d rather my family and friends spent the money on a get together and piss up than spend a fortune on a funeral.

Do you think it's a fuck you even if they know it's what you want? I am finding it hard to imagine how it's seen as a fuck you.

I'm perfectly happy to leave £x aside for a party or a dinner. But I don't get the whole service with flowers and songs with a body in a coffin. It hasn't helped me with anything when I've attended before. I've been to the funerals of 4 x grandparents between DH and I, a friend and my brother.

The funeral isn't for you; it's part of the grieving process for those left behind.

@Anonymouseposter

RagzRebooted a similar funeral-( 20 mins at Crem and cremation) cost me over £4000. I don't know how you managed it for£1K

Wow. We paid 3k for mums. Funeral directors brought her home, the night before, came back the next day (obviously) and to the church from there. included 2 family cars, church service and 20 crematorium bit and then cremation. Mum is now back at home in a wooden casket.

I don't want a funeral either and have looked into direct cremation, I've spoken to my Children about it and they seemed fine.

Honestly funerals arent about you, your funeral isn't your decision and you cant control how others grieve. Many people benefit from funerals and I dont think you can take that away from your DC because you don't like funerals.

Personally I've never lost anyone close to me where I've been able to just go to the pub for a good old knees up after, maybe a year down the line. This is one of those things where yes we don't want anyone to grieve about us but the reality is they will.

It should be your choice. I would hope that those who mourn your loss would have some way of remembering you, but if you have no religious faith, it does not have to be a funeral service.

If that is your decision, please let your nearest and dearest know soon, not leave them to find out when you have died.

As for funerals generally, the Islamic and Jewish practice of the funeral/burial within a very short period of time after death is one I would wish could be adopted for other people.