To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I can only imagine how much harder this must have been with covid restrictions. I would implore you to wait until more settled times (pandemic) to make your decisions iF you are able. I have personally found funerals very healing. May I suggest either a family conference, or writing down your preferences but leaving it open for your children to make the final decision when the time comes?that way they are spared a funeral if they don't want one, but can go ahead if they feel it would be healing without feeling they are going against you. The money would come out of your estate anyway and you could maybe Express such preferences e.g cremation/wicker coffin/no hymns, so they don't have too many decisions to make at a painful tme.

Both my Nan and grampy passed last year and neither wanted a funeral. I think it’s entirely your choice. I personally hate funerals and find them really hard- sad & awkward and I prefer to say goodbye myself, I don’t need a funeral to feel I’ve made peace with their passing. Equally if they’d said they’d wanted a huge funeral etc I’d have participated but I really think it’s your choice xo

My mum went to her best friend’s funeral several years ago. It was in a church, with some minister or other presiding, with hymns and prayers and what not, and she said all she could imagine was her friend sitting up in the rafters saying “what a load of crap.”

Funerals are generally full of platitudes and people turning up who never bothered with the deceased while they were alive, and don’t get me started on the embellishments to the eulogies.

While I understand if the family are told after the person has died they would be upset, if they’re made aware beforehand then they know the score. It’s no different to someone essentially setting out how they would want their funeral to be.

@Kickers567

The thing that upsets me about direct cremation is that there is no care of the body. I didn't want to see my dad again in the Chapel of rest (had already said goodbye to him where he had collapsed on his floor), But it felt good to choose clothes that he would have liked, and to know that he was cleaned up and taken care of.

I'm not sure why you think this. Mum had a direct cremation and we supplied clothes to the funeral home. We were able to visit her body and put some personal items in the coffin to "send off" with her.

My mum wants to do the same. Tbh she's always been quite a miserable joyless person. I think I would want to leave a small amount if I can and leave it up to relatives.

I will be sorting out a direct cremation for me. No service needed.

Only have ds. No other family bar cousins who live miles away.

Waste of money if you ask me. If d s wants a small gathering when I pop it he can arrange it. By the time it is my demise many will be doing the same so nobody will batter an eyelid.

When I went to my great aunt’s funeral it was nice to see the extended family. I hadn’t seen them since I was a child, and I’ll never see them again, so it was good to have a catch up.

I think two things.....people are posting on here about how they would feel....which is not how your family would feel. Have you got family other than your small children? Because TBH if they are too young to discuss it, then whatever happens, if it happens while they are young, it will be "normal" for them. Similarly when they are old enough to discuss it, then your decision will be "normal" for them.
As others have said, some companies offer various kinds of package....I think the only ones who only offer a true no options direct cremation are the ones who only offer that service and what may suit you better is an existing company who have added in direct cremation to their existing options. Last time I checked, some of the prepay services also offered options for the bereaved to add in other options at the point of burial if they wished to do so.....its not one or the other, there are middle way options to think about.

In every case in my family, good byes were said before the funeral and, to me at least, the funeral was only a source of stress and distress.

We had a direct cremation for my Mum then a celebration of her life a few days later at the venue that we would have gone to anyway for drinks and buffet if there had been a funeral. We got the humanist Celebrant to come and do a little service at the event. It was lovely and informal. Having 1 venue meant that everyone turned up there rather than going to the crematorium then going straight home.

I have come to the conclusion that it’s for the living to decide how they want to grieve and not for me, the dead person, to dictate.

I’ve organised for my body to be used either for science as a whole or as a donor. Obviously, depends on the nature of the death which I can’t predict (at this point).

So my family may or may not have a body to deal with. I feel it’s up to them how they wish to remember me and not how I wish to be remembered - that should be reflected by how I’ve lived my life.

On the other hand, my mother had details wrote down - what music, why and when it should be played. Certain people were asked if they wanted to speak and it followed the pattern of funerals in her family.

For me, I see it differently. I’m dead, there’s no after life and, at that point, my ‘feelings’ are irrelevant.

I have a lot of pagan friends and i'm a pagan myself, recently one of them died and had a pure cremation, his OH had covid so decided against a funeral.
We took the ashes when she was better to the hillside where we all used to do seasonal rituals and scattered his ashes there and one of us did a farewell that we had all contributed to in the open air.
It was 100 times better than a miserable crematorium and everyone had something to say.
We all left feeling completely uplifted.

@Vbree

My mum wants to do the same. Tbh she's always been quite a miserable joyless person. I think I would want to leave a small amount if I can and leave it up to relatives.

Being brutally honest, if you are only leaving a small amount, they won't have much choice....ordinary funerals are expensive.

Every family is different and I feel it’s something you need to discuss together.

I detest funerals and if I could I would never attend another. For me they are not helpful at all and feel like some kind of ritualised torture. I have recently decided to donate my body to the local medical school, I have the forms to complete and return but it says on there that sometimes they can’t/won’t accept a donation and my son is aware that if this happens a direct cremation would be my preferred option.

I've hated every funeral service I've been to but can tolerate the after meet ups to share memories. YANBU. I don't want a funeral and ideally would like a natural burial at a local site that when full becomes a nature reserve. I've told my husband and he is thinking along the same lines for when he goes.

Godmum sorry I probably leased that incorrectly. I'd hope to leave enough for a modest funeral if I can.

*Phrased!

I think funerals can potentially be very cathartic and an important part of the grieving process.

Three of my grandparents had funerals (one a military funeral) and my maternal grandmother chose not to (cremated and placed in a beautiful urn at my parents home). After she passed, the subject came up and my parents, my mother’s uncle and I all agreed we rather be cremated. Having been to several funerals, the thing I hated the most was seeing the shell of what the person used to be. I hated that was my last memory of them. Not their smiles and laughter but their deceased bodies, dressed up in something they would have never worn, in a frilly, glossy wooden box. My first memory was of a funeral, maybe that has coloured my judgement however I recall what my great uncle (hates funerals and will be cremated) said that has always stuck with me: “Don’t pay tribute to me when I’m dead, do so when I’m alive. I’ve been to many funerals (he in his late 70s) and it’s always full of people who show up to pay their respects yet few of them actually showed up in life for the person who died. I rather be cremated than have people who couldn’t bother to pick up a phone make a public spectacle of my death. My death is not going to be a morbid family reunion.”

I have been open to my DH that I rather be cremated and have my ashes either scattered in a beautiful place as part of a holiday (I love traveling and we as a family went on many trips), turned into jewellery (something they could carry along with them), or a tree (I love gardening and nature) as a tribute to my life whichever he and our children prefer. For the wake, a party near or on the beach where people dance and have a good time.

Absolutely right. I want direct cremation, also no wake/party/gathering/ashes scattering or whatever. I'll be dead, that's normal, & anyone around who knew me will have better things to do, I'm sure.

Lots of my family have indicated they would be fine with a direct cremation for themselves. I have never found funerals particularly helpful, more something to get through. I'd choose direct cremation for myself, and would be fine if anyone else preferred this too. As already said by others, family are free to gather in a way they like, and remember their loved one then.

Just for info - if you leave your body to be used for science, there will still be a funeral, whenever they’re done with you. But your family can choose whether to attend or not.

@Gatehouse77

I have come to the conclusion that it’s for the living to decide how they want to grieve and not for me, the dead person, to dictate.

I’ve organised for my body to be used either for science as a whole or as a donor. Obviously, depends on the nature of the death which I can’t predict (at this point).

So my family may or may not have a body to deal with. I feel it’s up to them how they wish to remember me and not how I wish to be remembered - that should be reflected by how I’ve lived my life.

On the other hand, my mother had details wrote down - what music, why and when it should be played. Certain people were asked if they wanted to speak and it followed the pattern of funerals in her family.

For me, I see it differently. I’m dead, there’s no after life and, at that point, my ‘feelings’ are irrelevant.

Are you sure that your body won't be returned at some point and have you got a alternative arranged in case your body is refused?....not all research or donor options agree to dispose of the body after they have used it.

My sister died a few years ago and she lived a European country where direct cremations are quite normal. We had a memorial for her in her favorite lakeside restaurant with all her friends and family and it was a very fitting way to rennet her and say good bye. Have lost both my parents who had traditional funerals I felt my sisters memorial was a much more fitting and personal way to say goodbye and mark her life.
It’s very personal though…

YANBU

I hate funerals and would much prefer this route.

Yanbu.

I didn't realise their was a no funeral option. That's what I want. I don't see the point in funerals. I've been to a few and would prefer not to do anymore.