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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think not having a funeral is OK?

561 replies

jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 10:32

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

OP posts:
iklboo · 31/01/2022 16:55

And I had a stand up row with the minister at the “do” afterwards.

The one at my nana's was awful. Kept pronouncing her name wrong (it was Bette but he called her Betty, Beatie). He got details wrong and gabbled through it like he had somewhere else to be. My parents told him not to come to the wake. I think they only had him because humanist ceremonies weren't heard of and it was the 'done' thing.

PollyFlint · 31/01/2022 16:56

@ThePlantsitter

I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

Sorry about your brother. Flowers

I am the child of someone who doesn't want a funeral, and I absolutely do not see it is a 'fuck off from beyond the grave'. It's their wish not have thousands of pounds spent on an event they see as pointless, and I say good for them. There's nothing insulting about it. I'm sure if we wanted to do something as a family to 'say goodbye' to them we could just go for a nice dinner somewhere and raise a glass to them instead. It is quite possible to celebrate someone's life without sitting there listening to a funeral service and then having a finger buffet.
islaviolent · 31/01/2022 17:20

My dad has had a conversation with me and my siblings about this he doesn't want it , and I'm not about to go about going against his wishes .

YanTanTethera01 · 31/01/2022 17:26

I don't want a funeral and don't want my kids to go to any unnecessary expense. They will say their goodbyes while I'm still here and that will mean more to them than some nonsensical ritual.

Blossomtoes · 31/01/2022 19:17

@YanTanTethera01

I don't want a funeral and don't want my kids to go to any unnecessary expense. They will say their goodbyes while I'm still here and that will mean more to them than some nonsensical ritual.
Surely it’s possible to say you don’t want a funeral without insulting those who value them by referring to nonsensical ritual? Or does lack of respect for other people come as part of the package?
VeryQuaintIrene · 31/01/2022 19:20

My father in law did this - he and his family aren't at all religious and didn't care about having a formal funeral - but about a year later they had a huge memorial for him, which was really meaningful for them.

ddl1 · 31/01/2022 22:30

@Blossomtoes

I think it was quite difficult for teen DS as well

Of course it was. It would have been devastating whatever you’d done. Grief hurts yet we seem to be hell bent on avoiding perfectly natural pain which is a part of the human condition. It’s supposed to hurt when we lose someone we love.

Of course it will hurt if we lose someone whom we love. And this will be the case whether there's a funeral or not. Neither funerals nor their absence will bring people back to life.

But for SOME (not all) people, funeral conventions will add to the pain, and twist the knife in. Obviously this isn't true for everyone, probably not even a majority. But for some it certainly is.

TheVillageShop · 23/02/2022 15:59

I think it all depends on the circumstances. If your DP dies and you are left with very little savings and maybe just the single old age pension to support you for what could be decades then it's madness to spend thousands on a funeral.

Notadramallama · 23/02/2022 16:56

I would be hugely, hugely relieved if my parents decided on direct to cremation. I hate funerals and would gladly never attend another one but find there's so much pressure to attend that I wouldn't feel able to not go. I'm an introvert and can't think of anything worse than having to show my grief in front of people.

NNmumma6349 · 23/02/2022 17:16

The happiest funeral I have attended was a direct cremation. My Grandma had wanted to be buried or cremated within 24 hours for religious reasons which wasn't possible in lockdown. This was the quickest option available to us at the time. I have to say it was the best outcome for us all. The undertakers were kind enough to let us know what day it would be as we couldn't choose the date or time ourselves. We all piled into her garden and celebrated her life in her home where we all felt comfortable, happy and safe. I know a few of the attendees including myself have since updated our wills requesting the same!
We used the co-op as they were local to us and I couldn't fault there service or care.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2022 17:17

I'm not having a funeral. My family already know this.

JudgeJ · 23/02/2022 19:05

@ThePlantsitter

I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

Sorry about your brother. Flowers

Many people haven't been able to have full funerals for the last two years. After my OH's cremation locally we had a small ceremony in the local church yard to inter his ashes and I think my daughters found that very comforting, it's something that those looking to a direct cremation could look into if they want a permanent place to go.
balalake · 23/02/2022 19:08

Whilst I want there to be a funeral when I die, if someone does not want one, that is their choice and I would respect that.

Not having a funeral does not prevent some form of memorial event taking place at a later date, say on what would have been their next birthday.

LilacPaisley · 23/02/2022 19:20

Do you think it's a fuck you even if they know it's what you want? I am finding it hard to imagine how it's seen as a fuck you

It's hard to imagine because nobody would see it that way, especially if they know it's what you want and you discuss it beforehand. I've been thinking seriously about this for myself and this thread is tipping me towards it. I've lost both parents and a brother and the funerals were horrible. I was distraught at each one. They made the loss worse. I do hope this new idea takes off so people can stop feeling guilty about having one.

LilacPaisley · 23/02/2022 19:26

I mean not having a traditional funeral.

LightSpeeds · 23/02/2022 19:32

@EishetChayil

The funeral isn't for you; it's part of the grieving process for those left behind.
I agree with this. It's for the people left behind to decide what they need.
A580Hojas · 23/02/2022 19:33

My Aunt had specified a direct cremation, which is what she got.

The family all got together and a had a whole day memorial in a pub anyway because we wanted to. There were readings, memories, lots of emotional stuff. The only difference to a "normal" funeral is that none of us were actually present on her cremation day. I look back on her memorial with great fondness as it was the last time the family all got together (early March 2020).

Your loved ones are going to want to mark your passing in some way. Might as well let them choose.

My mother is approaching the end of her life. She recently told me and my brother "please do whatever you want for my funeral, I just have these two pieces of music I'd like played and to be cremated at X crematorium, any donations to X charity". I think she has the right approach.

A580Hojas · 23/02/2022 19:40

I don't think funerals are a "non-sensical ritual". Every faith and every culture in the world has some way or other of sending a dead body off. Bodies can't just be left to rot where they fell.

Sazzlepop22 · 23/02/2022 20:08

My parents have just explained their wishes to myself and sister, about having direct cremations. I am happy that they have thought about their passing and made their wishes clear to us both now. We will respect them and I am sure I will find some comfort in it, when the time comes.

As long as you discuss with your kids when it's appropriate, it's your wish and you can discuss alternative ways to celebrate your life.

Rory1234 · 23/02/2022 20:10

I lost a parent last year and they wanted this so it is what we did.

My family had our own immediate family only lunch where we played specially chosen music and ate food that reminded us of happier times.

I am so glad that is how things were. I absolutely couldn’t have coped with a funeral and having to see loads of people expressing their grief when I was so completely overwhelmed by my own.

Fl0w3ry · 23/02/2022 20:14

I think it’s a good idea. It would be nicer to have a positive event to remember a person - like a meal or a get together or a memory tree or something. Funerals are expensive and painful. I fully understand that some people need them to say goodbye though, in a ritualistic way. Personally, the way covid temporarily restricted numbers etc, it made me think differently about funerals. I’ve unfortunately been to a lot of funerals in my life, and I was also unable to attend funerals of a few people we lost in the pandemic because of number restrictions. I realised I still felt sad, not being at the funeral didn’t make that any worse though, and I was able to say goodbye in my own way.
I think if I were you I would just maybe run the idea by your immediate family and see what they think. They might prefer you spent the money from the pre-paid funeral with them now enjoying experiences together, when you are still alive.

Fordian · 23/02/2022 20:36

I have cut from first post to the end. Sorry. I normally scroll through threads but this is 500 posts long.

My tuppence? Both my parents died (me aged 47/53). Dad died overseas, and was cremated there, ashes flown back; whence we had a memorial service at the local church, followed by a 'do' locally. It was great.

Thus we did the same for mum (which she would have liked- no fuss). Non attended cremation, ashes delivered. Memorial service (both in church, 'remembering the life of...')

No one had the whole coffin thing, the coffin in the cold earth; or curtains closing around the coffin at a crematorium.

It's never great, but no less grim. And for dad, we had to get his ashes delivered to a local funeral director, from who we collected. He, himself, said he favoured what we were doing. A nice floral arrangement in lieu of a coffin was much easier to handle.

2bazookas · 23/02/2022 20:38

You can have a direct cremation , and also hold a separate little farewell or memorial service of your own. I've been to a couple of these and they were lovely, one was in the home of the deceased and the other in their garden . But you could do it anywhere, favourite hill or beach.

Quite recently a friend  died who has left their body  for medical   research; so no funeral.  The family held a little memorial service  at home.  No prayers , just friends and family gathered to appreciate his life and say goodbye.
Furries · 23/02/2022 23:45

@A580Hojas

I don't think funerals are a "non-sensical ritual". Every faith and every culture in the world has some way or other of sending a dead body off. Bodies can't just be left to rot where they fell.
I don’t think that anyone on this thread is advocating for bodies to be left where they fell - that’s a very odd takeaway re this thread!

I still can’t get my head around those that think it’s acceptable to go against the express wishes of the deceased. That, to me, is definitely a “fuck you”. The fact that, when you’re gone, your thoughts/feelings/wishes are so inconsequential - just feels wrong on so many levels.

Maybe I’ll change my will - if my wishes haven’t been followed, then my assets go elsewhere! I feel I have the right to decide what happens to me when I die.

I am NOT against funerals/cremation services. But I really think that the wishes of that person should be followed.

LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana · 24/02/2022 08:53

My mum has told me she has prepaid with pure cremation. We lost my dad almost 3 years ago and we have a small family. NC with brother. I wasn't sure how I felt to be honest as I was told I wouldn't be able to see her after she passed,which had helped with previous family who had died and my grief process. One thing that does worry me is because I'm NC with brother,I can imagine him getting very difficult re mum's ashes. Would they automatically go to me being the oldest? Or would they half them?No one seems to know anything. It does worry me :'(