To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

I know how you feel

I think it's fine to do this

But when my dad died, mum felt too many people would be upset if we didn't have a funeral. It was horrendous. I have been to funerals before and I felt differently when I was young and the deceased were young - though I'd respect their wishes regardless.

I don't feel able to ask mum what she wants but I really don't want to go through a parent funeral again. It's not comforting, it's not helpful.

She has some really awful friends too. The sort I wouldn't want to have my phone number.

If she doesn't leave instructions and siblings are okay with it, then it will be a direct cremation.

@pantjog

I think funerals can potentially be very cathartic and an important part of the grieving process.

depends entirely on the people involved....and there are other options than a funeral for those who need a ceremony.

My mum died earlier this month. We had the funeral 10 days ago. She wanted a small funeral (30 or so people). I found the act of organising it - eulogy, readings, music, photos - very therapeutic. I actually wouldn't want to deprive my children the experience

My friend mother died, not unexpectedly although she wasnt with her when she passed.

3 years on, she suffers deadfully- she feels she never has never had point at which to say ''goodbye'' as there was no funeral. No chance for her to hear all the nice things people would have said about her mum.

Someone passes, and the next point is the funeral, the formal goodbye- some will find it very hard not to do that. I would

YANBU. Up to you.
My parents both want this option, I'm happy.
I've signed up to be dissected by medical students.

I’ve already written in my will that I do not want a funeral. It’s always traumatic for everyone closely involved and awkward and strained for people who were close enough friends/ colleagues to be expected to attend but not get emotional.

I’ve attended lots of ash scattering ceremonies, often months after the person died and they’ve always been really beautiful, emotional goodbyes when the rawness and shock has faded somewhat. I’d much prefer that for myself.

So for the people who say that these things should be the decision of the living, surely that also means that only your family should be allowed to decide if your body is donated to science/if you become an organ donor?

If you decide to donate your body isn’t that as much of a fuck off to your children as having a direct cremation? After all, they don’t have a say in that either do they?

YANBU. I feel the same about my own non-funeral. I’ve talked to my two (adult) DS, however, and while the younger is Ok with whatever I decide, the elder seems uncomfortable with the idea, as does my DH.

I used to think a direct cremation was a good idea. Once you are dead you are dead and how your remains are disposed of is unimportant. It's how you are remembered that is.

Then at the beginning of the year my dad died. The thought of him going to the crematorium alone, with no one with him broke my heart. We had a very small, very personal service for him. No singing, no hymns etc, but an appropriate service for him. I never thought I would feel like that, I always thought I was very pragmatic about funerals and didn't really see the purpose, but when it came to someone so close, I just couldn't do the direct route. I should also say, my dad didn't mind what we did!

@ThePlantsitter

I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

Sorry about your brother.

I've had a funeral for both a parent and a child. In both cases the funeral was a huge and unpleasant burden I could have done without.

I find your point of view extremely odd. It's as if you regard your funeral as some sort of treat for your survivors, rather than a horrific obligation imposed upon them that makes a bad time even worse.

Maybe different people have different feelings about funerals?

I don't care what anyone does with my body after I die. People can suit themselves, but I will let them know direct cremation is fine by me.

@ThePlantsitter

I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

Sorry about your brother.

Why would they?🙄

@jevoudrais DO IT! Anyone who loves you and cares about you will be fine with you doing this. To hell with 'tradition,' times move on. You do what YOU want, and what YOU are comfortable with. Your family will thank you later, trust me!

Obviously tell your family, but yeah just do it. It's incredibly selfish for anyone to tell you not to do it. How you want to go after you die, is entirely YOUR DECISION. Do NOT be bullied into not going for a Direct Cremation if this is something you want.

It's 100% OK! Me and DH already have our 'Direct Cremations' planned and sorted. We are both in our late 50s, and we did it late last year, our adult DC know, and they are very happy with it... Why would they not be, if we are?

I know several others who have this type of funeral planned too. I also know a woman whose dad died last summer, and I asked her when the funeral was, and she said he had a direct cremation.

She said it was a brilliant idea. No-one had to have the stress and worry and faff of arranging the funeral, and shoulder the costs of it.

Everyone who was close to him and loved him met up at the pub the Saturday after his cremation, and raised a glass to him, and shared their fond and funny stories of him.

Also, a direct cremation stops fake mourners turning up, pretending they give a shit about you. People who don't know you, and people who have had fuck-all to do with you for for 15 years or more, can't just rock up to the funeral and pretend they're mourning, or that they care about you, because there's no funeral!

Only the people close to the deceased will know anything about any get-together afterwards.

its up to you i think i dont thin its a fuck you to anyone-if people want to get together another time for a memorial thats up to them

id prefer a simple thing dont have dc just two sisters they can celebrate in their own way another time

Funerals are for the living. It gives them the chance to come together, say goodbye and take solace from a shared grief. So yes, I think it would be a "fuck you" to all that want to grieve your passing.

Memorial services are nice but they dont (imo) fulfil quite the same function. They are a chance to remembered and be thankful for a life but that comes later when grief is a little less raw (again imo, I get it may be different for others).

Two of my aunts pre- organised their own funerals this way. It was what they wanted so the family accepted it.

I want the cheapest disposal of my body as practical.

If people want an event, they can organise a memorial. I'd rather funeral money was spent on a dinner and get-together before I died.

@ThePlantsitter

I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

Sorry about your brother.

Unless you know them personally this is a daft thing to say. Personally if my parents had chosen this I would just get on with respecting it. We are leaving our bodies to science and have discussed with our sons, both of whom think it's a great idea.

If you are dead the funeral is not about you, its about the mourners finding closure.

Direct cremation will be my choice , possibly my husband too.
I can't bear the waiting between death and funeral ,its torture on top of grief.
My dad's funeral was huge, he was very popular ,looking back it didn't give me any closure or help with my grief ,my choice would have been to curl up in my bed while it was happening.
The wake after was a relief ,it was good to laugh , hear stories about him ,be with our family who loved my dad very much and feel a general sense of relief it was now over.
My dad would have said what a waste of bloody money , he would have loved the 'party' but we would have done that any way had we have gone for direct.
I have been to a lot of funerals , they stir many emotions ,but i always feel cold , uncomfortable and awkward -i don't want that burden for my family.

I thought I might like this but Dad’s funeral is coming up soon and actually I think I have changed my mind. These days with live streaming we can include elderly family abroad who would liked to have come and we have been in touch with his colleagues (one of whom is getting straight off a long haul flight arriving at Heathrow that morning) and some of them are coming down and I think it is actually helping quite a few people, me included.

I may change my mind afterward his funeral I guess.

You know your DC best obviously. Is this something you could talk to them about?

My Wonderful mother died in July. Her funeral was 3 weeks after and I found the planning it and taking part in it hugely therapeutic and helpful. It was a useful focus in those early first days of hazy, foggy grief and as the day itself approached I gained a resolve that helped me stay functional.

On the day I delivered a eulogy and my older 2 children did readings. My father chose all her favourite hymns and music. We had all her friends and family present (many of whom we had not seen in a long time on account of covid) and it provided a wonderful opportunity to celebrate her.

We had a wake back at the family home and my mother is buried in the graveyard by her own parents.

All this has been a source of huge comfort to us as a family. I have - oddly I suppose - really quite fond memories of the funeral itself.

But people are all so different. For us the fact that my mother was deeply religious, the emotional needs of my father and children (and me) to have a proper goodbye and that fact that my father is comfortable financially such that a traditional funeral did not put a financial strain on him all made this the right decision.

If you want to fund the funeral yourself would an option be to take out a policy or create a savings account for this purpose, enough to cover a direct cremation? If your DC want something more then they can pay the extra. Unless you have such strong feelings about your disposal that you cannot tolerate the thought of either of you having a funeral at all, then it’s probably kinder to leave some discretion to your DC. Also have you thought about how the survivor of you / your DH will feel not attending a service for their spouse?

My Dad didn’t want a funeral . He left me to make the decision . He was cremated without a service and i was given the ashes. A short time later on a significant day a group of us gathered and scattered his ashes in his chosen place. Felt weird but by the end of the process it felt ok. I may do the same .
I attended a cremation ceremony the year before and it felt rushed. As we left the next gathering and coffin had already arrived and we’re waiting. In the end I preferred how we did it for my Dad.

We will be having a pure type cremation and a memorial service in our local church. We have no links to the crem and I find them such dismal places. Hopefully a minister who knows us will take a short, informal service with some prayers and songs and then back to the local pub for sandwiches. Ashes scattered in the churchyard and a tree or shrub planted. That would be my ideal.

@interferingma

My mum died earlier this month. We had the funeral 10 days ago. She wanted a small funeral (30 or so people). I found the act of organising it - eulogy, readings, music, photos - very therapeutic. I actually wouldn't want to deprive my children the experience

To elaborate further, it gave me an opportunity to order my thoughts. She wasn't an easy person but in doing that ordering (mainly in researching for the eulogy) it really helped me understand her. And the actual act of saying goodbye was so important. We had smiles as well as tears too. I realise im still very close to the event, but the process was a valuable one for me (and my sister). It also gave my young adult children an important experience. They rose to the occasion, taking a public role which I felt I couldn't. And are the richer for that. I think Mum would have approved and been proud of us all

My grandad paid for his full funeral sad requested no service, no cars etc.

We all still attended the grave to say goodbye and then had a gathering at a local pub - honestly, my dad was relieved he didn't have to plan everything and it wasn't a massive song and dance.

I actually know a few people who's parents have done direct crem/burials and no one so far has complained. It's enough to deal with someone passing before adding all the stress of planning a funeral on top.

I think it's each to their own, because when my dad then passed, making all of the arrangements and stuff really distracted and kept me busy - the day it's self not so much but the actual waiting and planning took my mind off of things.

Are your children old enough to discuss this with? I'm pretty sure if they were against it they could still make and change arrangements but they'd have to pay the difference