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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think not having a funeral is OK?

561 replies

jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 10:32

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

OP posts:
Kickers567 · 29/01/2022 11:01

The thing that upsets me about direct cremation is that there is no care of the body. I didn't want to see my dad again in the Chapel of rest (had already said goodbye to him where he had collapsed on his floor), But it felt good to choose clothes that he would have liked, and to know that he was cleaned up and taken care of.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 29/01/2022 11:01

SportsMother

ThePlantsitter
I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

Sorry about your brother. flowers
I would agree.

No-one will ‘understand’ in the way that you want to be able to make them. Hurtful to your children, and will be perceived as being done deliberately.

The other thing about funerals is that they are a way of showing respect. What you are proposing shows no respect to you as people or as one another’s spouses.
If (God forbid) one of your children pre-deceased you and their spouse said “what funeral are you talking about” how would you feel?

If my parents did this I would never think of it as a big “fuck you”. We have an excellent relationship and if they wanted a direct cremation then I would completely understand and wouldn’t think about me, only them. In fact, being selfish and thinking of me, it would take a lot of stress and upset away from me doing that as I’m an only child, don’t live close and have a life of my own. Far from a “fuck you” it would be a “thank you”.

If you perceive it as being “done deliberately” perhaps you have an already strained relationship with your parents as I would never read that as how you have described, a last petty act of upset or hurt.

You can certainly show respect without standing around a lifeless body, and nothing says respect more than following the wishes of the deceased. If they want an all singing all dancing funeral then that should be respected and understood (money obviously outstanding) same as it should be understood for a direct service.

Happenchance · 29/01/2022 11:01

I actually think a direct cremation could be better for your DC. Lots of people who they don't know would turn up to a funeral, so they may not feel that they can be themselves and say goodbye in the way that they want, and then feel guilty afterwards.

A direct cremation means that the ash scattering is the main event (for want of a better phrase) and your DC may be more comfortable saying goodbye in the way that they want because only a select number of people will be there.

CreativeCharlie · 29/01/2022 11:02

No funeral has ever helped me, quite the opposite in fact.

I want a direct cremation too.

Original poster
jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 11:03

DC are not yet old enough to consult, no.

I feel somewhat traumatised by the decisions made for my brother's funeral. He would have hated so much of it. I found that very difficult to deal with, it felt very selfish on the part of those organising. I had no choice but to attend, in terms of yes I could have physically or gone, but the fallout would have been so insane I felt I had no choice.

I don't want that for my DC or remaining family/friends.

OP posts:
Marmarind · 29/01/2022 11:03

There is a lot of family that don't get along in my family and a lot of trauma and resentments. My grandmother doesn't want a funeral as she doesn't want the grief to lead to funeral arguments or fights. She wants to donate her body to science and just be "disposed of".

I don't care either way. I've never been to a funeral anyway.

dopple · 29/01/2022 11:03

It's an option possibly if they know they don't have family and friends to attend or maybe they are out of country or died off.

Blossomtoes · 29/01/2022 11:04

@ThePlantsitter

I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

Sorry about your brother. Flowers

This. My son would be devastated if I did this. It’s the very last mark of love and respect for the person you’ve lost. It’s a very cruel thing to do to your kids.
AlDanvers · 29/01/2022 11:04

[quote jevoudrais]@AlDanvers I said archaic, but I didn't say abhorrent.

To me funerals are very old fashioned. Even chapels at crematoriums feel like religious buildings. The template services are the same layout as religious services have been for decades. It's the very definition of old fashioned. Only two of the six funerals I have attended were for people who were religious, yet all felt very religious and old fashioned.[/quote]
I didn't say you said both. Both have been said on this thread.

In which case christenings, weddings etc are all old fashioned?

Original poster
jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 11:04

That's interesting to know @Kickers567 I wasn't aware of that, food for thought. Thank you for sharing.

OP posts:
Original poster
jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 11:06

@AlDanvers yes, I think they are. I was religious and I did get married. But my faith is no more. None of the DC have been christened. I have been invited to a christening soon and am really torn whether to go or not. I feel I should for my friends, but I don't want to go.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 29/01/2022 11:06

ThePlantsitter
I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

Sorry about your brother. flowers
I would agree.

No-one will ‘understand’ in the way that you want to be able to make them. Hurtful to your children, and will be perceived as being done deliberately.

The other thing about funerals is that they are a way of showing respect. What you are proposing shows no respect to you as people or as one another’s spouses.
If (God forbid) one of your children pre-deceased you and their spouse said “what funeral are you talking about” how would you feel?“

What a strange response.

We have fantastic family relationships and will all be having direct cremations with personal goodbyes with ashes in places meaningful to each individual.

Can’t think of anything worse than being laid out in a random church or crematorium with a stranger talking about me.

Our family will eat, drink and be merry on a beautiful terrace in our favourite place then send us out to sea with the sunset.

W00B00 · 29/01/2022 11:07

My step father had a direct cremation. The people at the Co op who received his body from the care home could not have been kinder. My mum was allowed to view his body and they asked if they should dress him in particularly clothes etc. The ashes were also returned promptly.

It’s different because the body is cremated where there is a slot available but the care is the body is no less than you would expect at a standard cremation.

AlDanvers · 29/01/2022 11:08

Your “industry” should perhaps focus on that rather than the emotive nonsense (which frankly I don’t believe).

Can you explain why you think this?

We paid 3.5k. The FD came at 6pm to take her from home. Took her to their FH of our choice. Transported her to the hospital for PM. Transported her back prepared her body, had her ready any time we wanted to see her for 2 weeks. Brought her home the night before, came back the next day, 3 cars including hearse, took us to church then the crematorium. This included some flowers, casket etc. On top of that staff to do all this including 8 staff on the day. Then they arranged everything after with her ashes and we picked them up from them. Then running costs of all the staff, equipment, cars etc.

I don't think the price was bad at all.

warmeduppizza · 29/01/2022 11:09

Speaking as someone who has taken hundreds of funerals, with all the respect in the world - bereaved families tend to need someone to be there, mark the occasion, say some words they themselves can’t find at that time. A bit of order in the chaos, a bit of an anchor when they’re adrift. Most of the families I work with are very “Oh we don’t want anything much, we’re not religious, just get it over with”. But afterwards they say that they didn’t realise how valuable that time to say goodbye would be to them, and they’re grateful for it.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/01/2022 11:10

Unless you are religious funerals are about the living and can be a key part of coming to terms with loss.

Tell your DC you feel no need for a funeral ceremony and if they want to use some money simply for a wake to share their own memories then that is fine by you.

AlDanvers · 29/01/2022 11:11

[quote jevoudrais]@AlDanvers yes, I think they are. I was religious and I did get married. But my faith is no more. None of the DC have been christened. I have been invited to a christening soon and am really torn whether to go or not. I feel I should for my friends, but I don't want to go.[/quote]
And yet, you still think its fine to use such a negative word when other people are telling you it important to them.

Fair dos. Can't umagine your friends like it when you tell them their wedding and christening is archaic. But each to their own.

Willyoujustbequiet · 29/01/2022 11:11

@Blossomtoes

See I think the exact opposite. I think it would be very cruel of me to want to put my kids through something so traumatic. The last thing I can do for them is to protect them by not having a traditional funeral.

Kelly7889 · 29/01/2022 11:12

@jevoudrais

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

My Dad died of cancer 4 years ago and we had him cremated and they gave us the ashes. No funeral. My Mum, DH and me kept Dad's ashes and we went touring his favourite places over the next year, (mountains and water mainly) where we left and sprinkled his ashes. It was massive therapy for my Mum and us after his illness and death from cancer which were absolutely terrible, and made worse by catastrophic NHS mistakes causing him great pain at the end. It makes me feel physically sick to think of it typing this now,

So yes, it was great for us. It brought great comfort. Having a funeral would have brought us no comfort at all as Dad was not religious at all and would not have wanted a funeral for show or for convention only. We were all traumatised and heartbroken by the last month of his life and a funeral would have accomplished nothing except the public expression of that agony.

We saw many llittle shrines on mountains and by lakes and little pots of ashes with names carved on little stones, especially in Scotland.

Bringinthewine · 29/01/2022 11:12

On mum died suddenly last summer, she told me hospital that her cremation had been organised and paid for, but at the time I did not take much notice . ( assuming she would be coming home). Brother found the Pure cremation paperwork and mums body was taken from the hospital and her ashes were delivered to my door a week later. I was a little upset for a day or so but remembered my mum saying she hated funerals and never wanted to go to another. We were able to organise a memorial party for friends and family, 2 months later, with all the things mum would have loved. A couple of people were surprised, and questioned if it was my choice, but on reflection it was the party mum would have loved with lots of photos and family talking about all our wonderful memories. A lot of my family plan to do the same when our time comes.

SomewhereOnlyIKnow · 29/01/2022 11:12

As far as I’m aware bodies aren’t cremated as soon as the curtain closes, they are lined up until it’s their turn, so what’s the difference in direct cremation and just sending the body to the crem without a service ?

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/01/2022 11:12

It is widely reported that the average cost of a funeral in the UK is between £4,500 and £6,000 dependent upon location.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 29/01/2022 11:13

Tbh we used to have funerals within a week so it was all done and dusted. Now you wait weeks which isn't fair.

CornedBeef451 · 29/01/2022 11:14

DF was going to pre pay for direct to crem but since DB died just before Christmas he has now relented and said we can do what we want when he dies.

DB wanted direct to crem but had made no arrangements and he was dead so we decided collectively that his teenage daughters, wife and the rest of us needed a funeral.

For the first time I felt what a funeral was for, don't remove that option for your children.

ShippingNews · 29/01/2022 11:15

I've written out my wishes for my children - of course they could change things if they wanted to but think they'll go along with what I've said.

I want a direct cremation, and then they can scatter the ashes in a place I've nominated, and have a nice party afterwards to say goodbye.