To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

My grandad wanted this my family arranged a funeral regardless

I thought I’d just want a direct burial and have stipulated that in my will, but after my brother died last year (non-covid but in lockdown) and we were only allowed 12 people in the chapel, I have changed my mind. So many people wanted to come who couldn’t, including extended family. We had a delay of a month due to post mortem, and I think I would have struggled without a service to go to. For me it really gives closure.

My mother had no funeral and I am still pissed off about it, my father and siblings didnt want the hassle and they refused to let me step in so me and my son could give her a funeral.

she didnt even get last rights because my sister is a atheist (my mother wasnt).

we saw my aunts funeral online, that helped a lot.

Weve pre-paid for direct funerals. Our thinking is that if the family need some sort of closure after we have died they can hold a ‘memorial’ around the scattering of our ashes in a place of their choosing so our deaths dont have to be completely unrecognised. Just cant see the point of spending huge amounts of money when we dont care.

I'm having a direct cremation. All paid for...my family know. No one is throwing a hissy fit.

@northumberlandavenue completely agree. My friend's Irish grandmother died recently and the funeral was very soon after her death. I think that is much healthier than waiting often 4-6 weeks. We ended up waiting four months for my brother's funeral.

DM died in November and had always said she didn't want a funeral, a cup of tea all together would be fine!
As it turned out she ended up being donated to medical science as per her wishes but we had looked at a direct cremation incase she wasn't accepted.
And with lockdown we're leaving doing the cup of tea until her birthday.
Made no difference to mine or Dsis grieving but I know it wouldn't be for everyone and some friends were very surprised there would be no funeral but they are much older and I suppose it's what's expected.

@Theunamedcat that gave me a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach if he truly expressed he wanted that and family chose to go against that

We’re both specifying direct cremation. Family are all good with it. They have a lunch at our favourite place and scatter our ashes in the sea in a lovely, summers day.

I think a funeral is the last thing you can do for a loved one. So I don’t like the idea of direct cremation.

Also if I leave money for a knees up that wouldn't be til a year or so down the line anyway, I don't think you can get probate sorted much sooner than that?!

I would be extremely relieved if I knew a loved one wanted no funeral. I have an elderly dm and her funeral wishes are quite specific - although she has made financial arrangements to cover it - the organisation and attendance of it all will be the last thing we’ll want to do when she goes. We will do, of course, as those are her wishes but personally I would much prefer your plan. And will be discussing with my own dc at some point.

No one likes having to go to a funeral 🤨
Personally, I want a full Requiem Funeral Mass like my dd, mum & dad had.
Funerals are for those felt behind. It's the last thing I did for them was organize their funerals.
Everyone's views are different and that's ok.

I agree I don't want a funeral it's depressing and all consuming. Others have different opinions, I will discuss this with my family but I would rather direct cremation, and then those close to me can mark it how they wish.

My will states that my family should use the "most cost effective" method to dispose of me. There's only really my brother and nephews and my brother is on the same page as me. I want my money to go to my family, not a funeral director.

irish here and they wat funerals work here is done and dusted in 3 days. it's a lot for the family having to organise it all very quickly but I couldn't imagine my loved one waiting 8 weeks to be buried. we normally have them home asap and probably weirdly all sit about in the room with an open casket. then a mass, burial and a soup/sandwich in a hall after. of course normally ends in the pub.

I agree with you, but I have no children. I never found closure in funerals. I just find them awful.

[quote jevoudrais]@Theunamedcat that gave me a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach if he truly expressed he wanted that and family chose to go against that [/quote]
It was a church funeral too im pretty sure he never crossed a church threshold apart from duty calls he was not a religious man my father isn't either he stands in church and holds the song book as a book stand for the rest of us! I swear if my sister tries to make my dad have a religious ceremony after death I'm putting an open book on his coffin

Working in this industry I see alot of families hurt by direct cremation.

We get them sobbing at our door asking why their loved one isn't allowing them to grieve. Often direct cremations aren't done locally, you are shipped off to a central crem often miles away. So family can't even come to 'wave you off'.

Please discuss what you want with your family but please listen to what they want too.

Funerals are for the living not the dead.

My brother died very suddenly i did a eulogy at his funeral as did many of his friends i found it very comforting to hear all the stories about him. It was definitely part of the process.
However when my mum died very different she was old had been very very ill for 8 years the funeral was small for obvious reasons and i had already mourned her years before.

@MrsSkylerWhite

We’re both specifying direct cremation. Family are all good with it. They have a lunch at our favourite place and scatter our ashes in the sea in a lovely, summers day.

Exactly my wishes. I've told mine to be nice to me when I'm alive and make the most of me! I think the key thing is discuss it with family and don't shy away from it, calling it morbid.

I would ask everyone closest to you how they would feel about a memorial service instead of a funeral. If your children/ anyone else really close says they would struggle more then you can rethink I guess. But I would think a memorial instead gives people space to come together without the need for a body in a coffin.

@jevoudrais

Do you think it's a fuck you even if they know it's what you want? I am finding it hard to imagine how it's seen as a fuck you.

I'm perfectly happy to leave £x aside for a party or a dinner. But I don't get the whole service with flowers and songs with a body in a coffin. It hasn't helped me with anything when I've attended before. I've been to the funerals of 4 x grandparents between DH and I, a friend and my brother.

I think YANBU.

But I don't have children, which is my primary reason for not wanting a funeral. My partner and I have written in our wills that we are to simply be cremated.

I loathe funerals and don't accept that they provide 'closure' or whatever. I know people left traumatised by the whole process of organising one, let alone attending.

I think, however, it's important to discuss this with children if they exist. Knowing a parent's wishes is key and explaining why ought to help!

We had a direct cremation for my Mum. She hadn’t actually told us what she wanted except that I knew she wanted to be cremated and given that there were only 4 of us who would attend to have a funeral seemed a bit overkill. (Me, dh and two dc). Oddly enough people she hadn’t seen or spoken to for years (including my Dad who she divorced from when I was 12 and my ex mil and fil!) were really angry with me and funny with me about it as they assumed there’d be a funeral and they’d get to go. I just thought if you couldn’t be bothered to make contact during the last years of her life why would you think you should just turn up at a funeral? So no, fuck them. We got the ashes and scattered them privately on one of her favourite walks. My dad etc were even angry with me about that and kept asking to come!

I think it's ok.
It's whatever suits your family.

An older man I knew ( in his 80s) donated his body to science so there was no funeral because there was no body and he didn't want a memorial service.

Instead the family invited everyone who had known him in any capacity and wanted to pay respect to his local pub.
About 80 - 100 people dropped in over the course of an afternoon to have a drink and raise a glass to him.
There was no formality to it and if people felt moved to they would stand up and tell a story about a period in his life. It was a recognition of his life and a really wonderful way to send him off but it wasn't a funeral.