To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

I've told my 3 (young adult) children that I don't want a funeral or wake - I don't have any friends tbh and would be so embarrassed when no one turned up! So my wish is to be directly cremated then have my ashes scattered (on an off-shore breeze) off the cliffs of my favourite beach then any money that is saved by not having a funeral and wake can be shared between them. Kids are fine with it.

My mother has said if I die before her it would be terribly selfish of me to not allow her and my siblings to say goodbye properly etc etc.

This thread has reminded me that I need to get my will sorted and have my wishes put into writing!

I'm not fussed on a funeral.

Half the people who go acr sad but never bothered with you in life, which seems so fake.

I'd rather close friends and family spent time together, perhaps a meal or watching a marathon of my favourite films or something in memory.

It doesn't have to be a funeral in the traditional sense. I do think loved ones need a sense of closure though in order to help the grieving process. You can chose what this looks like. A get together of loved ones in form or another. You decide.

My Mum was a believer in the afterlife and I read the eulogy at her funeral. She had planned her own funeral in so much as she chose her favourite hymns and readings, She had been very ill with cancer for about 3 months before passing. This was years before Covid. I was really dreading the funeral, but on the day I found it strangely comforting stood at the front seeing all her family, friends and neighbours gathered in the church. She had over 70 people there and I knew she had touched them all. The old man she cooked a Sunday dinner for, ladies from Parish Council she arranged flowers with, a couple of old school friends, people she used to work with, to great grand children, I felt proud of her and proud of myself for not crying whilst delivering the eulogy. Then trip to cemetery for burial for a smaller number. I am glad I had that experience and she had organised a catered buffet for afterwards where a lot of her older friends and colleagues came and told us lovely things about Mum when she was younger. My fil died during Covid and it was awful. DH was not allowed to travel to see him before he died. Only 8 allowed to crematorium including celebrant, 20 minute service with taped music and no singing. Very difficult telling some people they could not go in person but welcome to do the video link. Funerals are for those left behind. My mil is still upset she had to choose between children and in laws and fil's siblings to go to funeral.

This is interesting. I don’t really want a funeral as I’m embarrassed at how few people will come, compared with my sister who is way nicer, kinder and more sociable than me. I’m hoping I die first so I won’t be there for the mortification at the tiny handful of people who will be there. Don’t get me started on how utterly irrational this is!

Also, all the admin effort those closest to you have to go to to track down relatives and friends, make arrangements etc, just when they are at their saddest. It seems a counter-intuitive thing to expect people to do.

And after organising my mum’s funeral, I feel these funeral companies take advantage of the bereaved. It’s v awkward having conversations with funeral companies about cost cutting in relation to hearse, coffin etc when the money is there in the estate and you just feel like a cheap skate.

Also awkward when just one sibling is wealthier than the others and feels under pressure to foot the bill.

IMO the funeral is for those left behind, so it should be what they would choose - whether a direct, no fuss cremation, or the whole works. Might add that while sitting outside a pub in Tooting (SW London) recently, I witnessed a funeral procession with black plumed horses pulling a glass sided coach, coachman in black top hat, etc.

I hadn’t imagined that such funerals really happened any more. It was like something out of Dickens.

The last funeral I attended was my mother’s, not really a dreadfully sad occasion since she was 97 and had had advanced dementia for some years. So although it’s a horrible cliche, it really was a ‘merciful release’.

Because she was fairly traditional, we did have a ‘proper’ funeral, with favourite hymns, and her much-loved ‘Jesu joy of man’s desiring’ played as we entered.
I’m not at all religious, but I did find it comforting.

A childless aunt had been considerate enough to prepay her own funeral - a traditional but simple enough one - so we didn’t have to wonder what she’d have wanted.

I believe 'traditional' funerals will become less popular in years to come, mostly for those who are not hugely religious. It's not just the time taken to arrange everything, it's the cost, which is only expected to go up and up in the future (and I say all this as a funeral arranger).

My own mum is leaning towards direct cremation and I'll be honoured to arrange that for her through my own company.

For those of you who do want to have the full works my only suggestion is to invest in a pre-paid plan now (if you can afford to) so that you pay today's prices for your funeral director's costs. Make sure you use a company whose plan is fully regulated by the FCA.

I don't know how my dad did it. He was diagnosed with cancer and he paid for and chose his coffin etc so my mum didn't have to worry about it. Selfless til the end.

I think it’s awful how funerals take place so long after the death in the U.K. In Ireland the funeral is three days later: removals the night before. It’s intense and it happens when grief is raw and it feels appropriate. I would hate to have that window drawn out for a month.

I think funerals are really important. I wouldn’t like to skip any. Even the most tragic ones, - I mean I hate funerals, but they are healing and you share a pain with others.

Funerals are for the living not the dead.

My funeral is for me. I don't want money wasted on a funeral service.
A party sounds nice, maybe with some speeches.
Then scatter my ashes in a planting hole for a nice tree somewhere and have a little plaque maybe for those that need that physical symbol. I wonder if that can be done.